


The Long Road Home

by GwenhwyvarReads



Series: The Journey ( A Western AU) [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, F/F, Western AU, horse!Garnet, nonbinary!Ruby, recovery and growth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-02-01 14:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 49,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12706725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GwenhwyvarReads/pseuds/GwenhwyvarReads
Summary: A sequel toOn The Lightning Trail.Finding a new path is only the beginning and the road to finding home is longer than you might think.





	1. The Tiger on a Chain

Sapphire was the most stubborn, suspicious, and ill tempered human being Ruby had ever met. Unfortunately, she was in the right this time and she was hell bent on having everyone in hearing distance know it too. Ruby shifted uncomfortably and scratched at the nape of their neck. A small crowd was starting to gather, but Sapphire continued to harangue the shopkeeper for his exorbitant prices. If it had been left up to them, Ruby would have paid the price rather than be confrontational over something as trivial as money, but Sapphire wasn’t the type to be happy until she’d grabbed the bull by the horns and wrestled it into submission at her feet. 

The interior of the general store had been open and brightly lit when they had walked in to purchase supplies, but all too soon Ruby had seen the shadows of an oncoming storm in Sapphire’s expression. Now they were finding it easier to study the grain of the well-swept floorboards. After weeks in isolation, with no other company than their horse and a taciturn criminal who held her personal space as sacrosanct, the sounds of humanity and the press of bodies made Ruby feel like they could barely breathe or even think clearly. But they could hear perfectly well and the whispers were as venomous as anything Sapphire had ever said to them. 

A quick glance up and around told them it was as bad as they feared. The pinched lips and upturned noses of some of the women spoke all the words they self righteously wouldn't say to her face. No, instead they would whisper behind their hands and stare at the worn but clean linen shirt and trousers as if Sapphire were wearing nothing but undergarments of the most tawdry variety. In fact, they might have found that less scandalous than this blatant disregard for female propriety. Disgraceful and shameless display. Uneducated and unmannered. No better than she ought to be. Heathen. People never took kindly to a person who didn't know their place in the world. The place they were born in and where most would die in, having never stepped outside the prescribed boundaries and definitions. 

Ruby pulled their jacket closed a little tighter. If Sapphire heard or cared, she didn’t show it, but their cheeks felt hot enough to fry bacon. They tugged at her elbow insistently. She was attracting too much attention like this and the last thing they needed was to leave behind an entire town that was talking about a pair of their description. Ruby didn’t want a single track left behind in case someone became suspicious of the former deputy’s story. This was personal too.They’d lived wearing the clothes they’d wanted and acting as they pleased, allowing others to reach their own conclusions. They’d been protected, in a sense, by an acceptance based on ignorance and the way Ruby saw people treating Sapphire made them feel ill. Her indifference didn’t matter as much as the inescapable truth. That could be them. Easily.

But then absolute silence fell and, startled, Ruby looked around for Sapphire. She had turned towards the crowd and the look in her eyes would have chilled the blood of anyone who knew her for what she was. As it was, the townsfolk drew aside much like Ruby imagined the Red Sea had parted for Moses. She strode out the door with her head held as high and proud as a queen. Ruby found themselves almost left behind and was forced to make an undignified scramble after her before the human tide closed in around them again. 

They walked down the street in silence for a few minutes before Sapphire, without any warnings or explanations, dragged them into the relative privacy of the shadows between two buildings. Possibilities flashed through their mind, filling the single space between one heartbeat and the next with confused terror. Had someone seen through their ruse and Sapphire was trying to evade capture? Had someone simply taken such offense to her state of dress that they were being chased? Maybe being surrounded by society again had weighed too heavily on the fractures in Sapphire’s mind and this was the breaking point. She put her body between them and anyone walking by on the street, pressing a cool palm to the fading bruises on their cheek. 

“I'm sorry, Ruby. We're trying not to attract attention and I end up drawing a crowd. And you look like a mule dragged you facedown through main street, which really isn't a bad metaphor for our day,” she said. Ruby hesitated. It was one thing for Sapphire to say something, but she might not appreciate hearing agreement. The intimidating scowl on her face softened to something almost remorseful. “Go back to the hotel and let the mule handle this.” 

There were several very pressing reasons why Ruby should have been reluctant to allow a supposedly reformed murder to roam loose through a town she was already on her way to turning upside down. They didn’t argue. If they were going to trust Sapphire, then they had to give her a chance to demonstrate her reliability. Above and beyond that, the truth was Ruby felt tired enough to curl up in the dirt and sleep in the alley. Sapphire took their elbow and led them back to the hotel without any further conversation. 

The room they’d rented was small and sparsely furnished, but it had been scrubbed clean with near religious fervor. Sapphire had been pleased and paid in cash for three nights. Ruby had only cared that it had a bed and that the room was on the second floor at the back of the building. Because of that, the single window looked out on the peace of the prairie and it offered some distance from the street noise. The only view Ruby was interested in at the moment was the back of their eyelids and they barely paused between kicking off their boots and falling face first into the faded quilt on the bed.

At some point they cracked open eyelids weighed down with exhaustion, not entirely free from the grip of sleep, to find the quilt had been pulled over them. The room fell out of focus as Ruby blinked slowly, sinking back into the warm, dark embrace of sleep. Another blink. Sapphire stood by the window with a steaming copper kettle, filling the basin on the washstand. Her clothing was thrown over the chair and the ragged fringe of her hair had been neatly trimmed.Their eyes followed the downward sweep of protruding backbones and the movement of the soft rag she was using to bathe over ribs that stood out pitifully under fragile skin. Blink.

When Ruby truly woke up, it was to the soft glow of the kerosene lamp. Sapphire was sitting at the foot of the bed with a tray in her lap. She'd pulled her hair back into a tight bun and exchanged the second hand shirt and trousers for a high collared brown calico dress The effect was plain and practical to the point of being austere, further distancing her from the elaborately gowned and groomed woman she'd been before. Ruby found themselves idly wondering if they could buy her a nice broach or cameo and something for her hair.

“You left the door unlocked, you know. Heaven alone knows who might come in if you keep doing that,” Sapphire said, one corner of her mouth quirking up into a crooked smile, “A robber or perhaps even a murderer.”

In the last two weeks, Ruby had discovered many unexpected things about Sapphire. She could be playful in her own way and had a wry sense of humor. She could be protective. She cared. Inexplicably, against her own selfish nature and paranoid thinking, Sapphire cared. Ruby rubbed the sleep from their eyes and smiled back. It was strange and new, this feeling, these actions, but just because something was new didn’t mean it was bad. Sapphire was a woman who did nothing in half measures, throwing all that she was into her choices in life, and that made Ruby feel as if they might have found a kindred spirit, despite all their differences.

She helped them into a sitting position and laid the tray on the mattress between them. It was very simple fare, a pitcher of milk and two bowls of honey sweetened porridge, but the doctor in the last town had been very firm with his warnings about food. Their bodies had been starved for too long to handle anything difficult to digest and they would need to build up to more solid meals. Teasingly, Ruby waved a spoon in her direction and asked, “How do I know I didn’t lock the door and picking locks isn’t one of your many talents?” 

“You don’t,” Sapphire answered. No trace of emotion marred the smooth neutrality of her expression, no hint of her intentions. Ruby laughed awkwardly to cover their anxiety. They never knew exactly where to draw the line with Sapphire; what she would be amused by and what would offend her. And what just made her think they were a fool. A touch, her hand pressing lightly on the back of theirs, redirected their wandering focus. Ruby caught the almost imperceptible curve of her lips, the slight crease at the corner of her eyes, and knew then that she was teasing too. When they laughed again, this time genuinely, she laughed with them before pressing a bowl into their hands. 

Eating was done in companionable silence at first, passing the pitcher of milk back and forth between them. Ruby was ill at ease being quiet for long, but Sapphire was not given to idle conversation and they were trying to be considerate. She cleared her throat and, much to their surprise, filled the spaces between them with words. “I can’t pick locks, in case it ever truly comes up. Except for safes, most locks are easier and faster to break than pick, but even that's missing the bigger picture. A lock might be sturdy, but a door is only as strong as the wood it's made of, the hinges it's on, and the person that guards it. You don't attack the strongest point of a problem, you exploit the flaws. It's like when you kicked down the cellar door instead of wasting time.”

“Hah… yeah.” Ruby knew they were strong. They were grateful to be good at one thing, at least, but it was hard when they compared strength against the more refined and varied skills of others. “Brawn over brains saved the day, I guess.” 

“No, that was you thinking quickly. It involved the proper application of force because that was the best choice for the situation.” She was studying them now, staring with narrowed eyes over the hand that Ruby didn’t think Sapphire was even aware she’d raised. She habitually covered her mouth and obscured her expression in various ways. The more emotional she became, the more she hid, or so they assumed. They jumped and almost dropped the pitcher of milk when she said, sharply, “You aren't stupid, Ruby. Don't vex me by disagreeing, because I know I'm right.”

Ruby smiled in spite of themselves, huffing a soft laugh and raising their hands in surrender. Trust Sapphire to try and be comforting in a way that was domineering. Yet it was that very fact that made Ruby certain it was sincerity. This was purely, irritatingly, endearingly Sapphire. It was also a small step forward. She’d admitted to something she could not do. In small ways, Sapphire had been offering details about herself and her life since the day they’d found her in the ghost town. She had chosen to set the mask aside. 

What they would find under the facade didn’t concern Ruby, what was there was there, regardless of if they knew it or not, but Sapphire’s trust was a fragile thing and giving any part of herself was too new. Their desire to know more about their companion had to be weighed against the risk of digging too fast or too far. Ruby felt it would have been better in less clumsy hands. Still, was it really trust if they were too afraid to test it? Sapphire seemed willing to talk for the moment, so Ruby asked what they hoped was a simple question. “May I ask another question? Why did you always use a knife?” 

“Guns make too much noise, poison isn't always available and buying it leaves a record behind, and you can't always count on having a cliff.” The matter-of-fact tone left them feeling nonplussed, but Ruby couldn’t dispute her logic. If they didn’t know how to feel, then Sapphire seemed for the moment even more uncertain. Fascinated to see any clear emotion, they watched lines break the smoothness of her face, following the downward arcs of her mouth and eyebrows, and then change direction as she abruptly smirked. “And you proved the cliff method doesn't always work, even when you have one.”

“There's also this,” she continued. The smile fell away as she touched just below the eye that was clouded and blind. “Even if a gun didn't make enough noise to bring to bring a crowd running, I … my aim improved once I adjusted to the change, but back then I couldn't have hit a target reliably. When all you have is speed and surprise, when you have one chance to kill before it becomes your last chance, you can't gamble on missing a mark. I didn’t always use a knife, though. Not every time.”

The temptation to ask her to continue that thought was almost overwhelming, but Ruby felt that how she killed was less important than another question that had nearly burnt a hole on their mind. Ruby offered up a silent prayer that they weren’t making a terrible mistake and asked, “Sapphire… what did you think would happen? Was … how many was going to be enough? When was it going to end?”

Instead of immediately answering, Sapphire picked up the empty tray, stacked the bowls on it, and carried it to the small table by the window. With her back to them, Sapphire said, “It was going to end when I died. I knew that someday I would make a mistake or my luck would simply run out. It was inevitable.”

Goose flesh broke out on Ruby’s arms and the back of their neck. They prayed the adjoining rooms were vacant, because their voice broke badly as they tried not to scream at her. “How can you say that so calmly? How could you just accept death like that?”

The room was instantly plunged into darkness as Sapphire turned the key-like wick raiser on the lamp. In a world without light, she was only one shadow moving among other shadows, silent and barely distinguishable from the rest. Her voice seemed to come from no particular direction, sliding down their skin and sinking into their heart like cold steel. “What was I living for then, Ruby? To kill again and nothing more. It wasn’t much of a reason to embrace life, mine or anyone else’s.”

Here were the depths that Ruby had hesitated to uncover, but their eyes were adjusting to the dark and Sapphire was becoming easier to see. It was these parts of her, the fatalistic apathy, that worried them most. That she wouldn’t kill them, Ruby accepted, and that she wouldn’t go on killing, they were willing to take on faith, but, as strong as they were, they were afraid they didn’t have the strength to pull her up from a state of mind they couldn’t begin to understand. They felt just as lost as they had in the wilderness, in some ways, which is why Ruby reached for one of the few pieces of hope they felt was in reach. She had spoken of that reason as something in the past. “What is the reason now, Sapphire?”

“Different,” was the brief answer. Ruby didn’t appreciate that she’d turned off the lights after giving them a hair-raising explanation of her preferred method of murder, but they put it down to her constant need to conceal her feelings… and her theatrical side showing through. In compensation, it seemed as if being deprived of sight made their hearing that much sharper. Ruby heard it when she swallowed nervously, heard the catch of breath and the hint of vulnerability when Sapphire added, “Better. I think this will be much better… but I’m tired now. Please turn around so I can get undressed and into my nightgown.” 

Arguing that they could see nothing in the dark was pointless and Ruby respected her need for privacy, so they obligingly turned to face the wall. They must have nodded off waiting, because the next thing Ruby became aware of was someone gently shaking their shoulder. They were lying curled on their side and the quilt stuck to the side of their face as they struggled to sit, but the hands that helped them up were as patient as they were persistent. 

By the time they’d wrestled off their clothing and put on the loose shirt that had been tossed over their head, Ruby was awake enough to be anxious again. This would be their first night spent indoors since the dugout. Sharing a hotel room and a proper bed felt more significant than sharing box of grass or sleeping under the stars, but even bringing up their discomfort seemed inappropriate. Sapphire was the one who hated being touched, except after the bandits Ruby didn’t know how to feel about it either. And Sapphire was the one who, without being asked, had decided to spend every night since… since that had happened… holding them. 

Nothing stopped the nightmares completely, and for the first time in their life, Ruby wasn’t sleeping well. Dreaming took them back to a place where they were helpless and trapped and screaming. They pressed a hand to the ache in their jaw and for the thousandth time explored the empty socket where they’d once had a molar. They’d seen more in one night than sometimes they knew how to live with, things they alternately tried not to think about and couldn’t avoid thinking. 

When they would wake up to Sapphire stroking their hair and holding them tightly, murmuring reassurances to them, Ruby felt safer and yet couldn’t forget Sapphire’s face when she killed the bandits. She killed without hesitation or remorse. Having Sapphire beside them was like keeping a feral animal of unstable temperament; they were grateful for the protection, but concerned for the general population. Just as frightening was that they couldn’t find any mercy in their own heart. That was not a trait they wanted to have in common with her, but… was it so wrong? It was wrong to want anyone to die, to take the law into their own hands, but they couldn’t help it. Part of Ruby was glad the men had fallen to Sapphire’s judgement instead of the law. 

Ruby tried to push away the confusion. They were too tired and nothing made sense anymore, except maybe Sapphire. Which told them more than anything else that their world had changed. There was a braided rug beside the bed and that was where Ruby finally decided it would be the most considerate place to sleep. It turned out to be the least comfortable as well. They hadn’t realized how the ridges in the braid would dig into their skin or how insecure they would feel without Sapphire’s arms around them. Ruby rolled over onto their back and stared at the ceiling, wondering -

“What _are_ you doing?”

Ruby squawked in alarm and sat bolt upright. A shadow was leaning over the edge of the mattress and they could feel the intensity of Sapphire’s stare despite not being able to see it. They shivered and prayed they hadn’t spoken aloud, or worse, that she had learned to read their mind, as they half feared she someday might. If she did, she might find they weren't worth the peculiar devotion they sometimes thought they could see in her eyes. They were trying so hard, though. “I’m… I was trying to… I thought that you-”

“Would not want to see you laying on the floor when there’s a perfectly serviceable bed in the room? Yes, that’s exactly what I was thinking too,” she snapped. “Do you want to spend the night on the floor? Are you comfortable down there?”

“No.” It was embarrassing how relieved they felt to be given a question they knew the answer to. They didn’t even need to think about it. Ruby listened to Sapphire growl and the creak of the metal bedframe as she got out of the bed. A foot nudged their stomach. 

“Then this is my suggestion to you. Get up off the rug and into that bed before I change my mind.” Her voice was low and soft, but Sapphire’s patience was as alarming as her threats - possibly because there was very little distinguishable difference between the two. Still, Ruby hesitated. They couldn’t even say why, because they desperately wanted to lay down somewhere warm and go back to sleep. Sapphire made the choice easier with a single, grating syllable. “ _Now_.” 

The bed was everything they could have wanted. Ruby burrowed under the quilt and into the warmth where Sapphire had been laying. She must have grabbed the comforter from the foot of the bed, because an extra weight settled over them. Bliss. Their last thought before sleep claimed them was how normal it felt when Sapphire stretched out beside them and wrapped an arm over their ribs. It was unmistakably possessive, which was another new thing in their world, but Ruby was happy to belong somewhere at least. Even if it was to a murderer.


	2. Memory is Best When it’s the Worst

_Pain_. There was nothing real in their world but the pain that seemed to come from every direction. An arm looped around their neck, cutting off all air until the darkness came alive with red and white flashes. A fist slammed into their gut that would have driven them to their knees if only the arm would let them go. No, no. Somehow they were on the ground. On the ground and _God the pain_. Someone was wrenching their arms behind their back so hard it felt like they might pull free of their shoulders. Dragged up again. Pushed. Pulled. Punched. Thrown. 

They thought they might have been screaming. Laughter, cruel and harsh, surrounded them but it still better than the few words they could catch. Their shirt was ripped open and Ruby knew what was coming next. Trying to escape. Useless. Helpless. Hopeless. Maybe they were crying. They felt like crying. The bandits were pulling their pants off. It couldn’t be real but the pain was too real to hide in denial. But then they were falling and no one was pulling at them anymore because she was there. An avenging angel with blood dripping from her hands. A demon, her sharp features ruddy and infernal in the firelight.

Ruby woke with a jolt, their heart pounding. Red stained dreams faded away in the pale, colorless light of dawn that filtered through the curtains. Sapphire was a grey silhouette against the gently billowing cloth, already dressed and pinning up her hair. The world existed in that uncertain place between sleeping and waking and Ruby curled up in their little pocket of warmth between the sheets. The cool breeze that wafted through the open window carried scent of damp grass and it felt soothing as it stroked their cheek.

“We’re late in the season for traveling, Ruby,” she said quietly, barely breaking the stillness. It didn’t surprise them that she knew they were awake. Sapphire was always alert to changes in her environment and Ruby was beginning to understand why she needed to live that way. Awareness and planning had become her reassurance when no other comfort could be found. “I'm concerned that we won't be able to beat the snow, but staying here longer than the time we've paid for would be a mistake. This is the first step in covering our tracks; the most important one. I believe we should spend the next two days getting as much sleep as we can and eating. We need to leave the room sometimes, if only because we don’t want to look like we’re hiding.” 

“The best lies are the ones that are mostly truths. We've discussed this, but I want to review our story before we go any further. We’re traveling back west to be with family. If anyone asks, we’re married. We don't look related, so it's the most plausible excuse for what they'll think is a man and woman traveling alone together. The only other excuse would be an insult to me and I won't have it!” She seemed embarrassed by the emotional lapse and turned away, muttering, “There will be gossip enough as it is.”

Ruby knew perfectly well what people would think of a woman travelling with a man who wasn’t her relative or her husband. Just as it had the other day, it struck Ruby how contradictory society was. A man might keep an an unwed woman and it would be no mark against him, but the woman would be branded as a whore. Her respectability would be forfeit. Ruby knew she’d seduced more men than they really wanted to know, but they could not picture her finishing the act. From her point of view, there could be no greater insult than to suggest she willingly gave her body to others for money. But what about for personal gain?

“You’re thinking.” It was a statement, not a question, and now Sapphire was staring at them intently. “You’re going to tell me in the end, so instead of wasting our time arguing, consider that it’s faster to say it now.” 

“I… did you…” Ruby fumbled with the words, trying to force a mind confused by sleep and shaken by memories into coherent order. They weren’t even sure what they wanted to ask, so it wasn’t too surprising that what came out next wasn’t exactly what they meant. “I know you seduced a lot of men and, in the end, they died, but as part of your routine, did you ever…”

“No.” 

The single word from Sapphire cut through the space between them with chill finality. Her posture went rigid and, for the first time since the they had reported the death of Lady Masque, Ruby saw her hand twitch towards her hidden knife. They were on dangerous ground now, but the memories of that night pressed in on them. They tried again, still searching for the right question. They were afraid they didn’t have many tries left, but still they apologized and asked. “I'm sorry. I didn’t think so and I wouldn’t have thought less of you even if you had, but I … I can’t imagine you willingly having sex with -” 

_“No.”_

Sapphire’s breath hissed through her teeth in short, convulsive puffs. Her toner was sharper still, but not like a knife this time. Sharp like the shards of something breaking to pieces. Ruby thought back to the day they'd met and the tumble they'd both taken from Garnet’s saddle. Ruby didn't remember what they'd been bickering over, but not even time could dull the memory of how Sapphire had reacted to being pinned down. They had never witnessed a human being sink into such blind hysteria and despair, thrashing so madly to escape that she would have harmed herself if not for their reluctant intervention. Ruby had wanted so badly to understand what could have driven her to that point. Understanding had come at an unimaginable and terrible cost and, God forgive them, they weren’t sure understanding had been worth finding. Not at this price. “I’ve never felt so helpless in my life, Sapphire.” 

They rolled over onto their stomach and pressed their face into the pillow. Ruby had never thought of themself as a crybaby, but lately they never seemed more than a few heartbeats away from tears. The salty liquid saturated the pillow, slowly but surely making it harder to breathe, and the next shuddering breath they took ended in a sob. The mattress sagged under the weight of another body and Sapphire’s hand came to rest on their shoulder. She said nothing, but stroked their hair and their shoulders. Each touch spoke the words that didn’t come naturally to Sapphire’s lips. She cared. She understood. 

As the tension began to leave their body, she said, “And I swore I'd never be so helpless again.”

Every night she lay beside them as if to tell the world it would have to get past her to reach them and every day, in small, subtle ways, she would permit her hand to touch their own. Ruby had appreciated the rare moments when Sapphire had reached out to them during their time in the dugout, but that was before they had known how it felt to be reduced to nothing more than a body. But Sapphire had survived having even that taken away. Ruby was certain of that now. That she chose to give anything of herself to someone else, to them, was enough to make the tears well up again.

Eventually, Ruby knew they couldn’t lay there any longer. The light from the window was growing brighter and their body didn’t care about their feelings. After getting a taste of good food the night before, their stomach was craving more, and their bladder wasn’t much better in its demands. Sapphire helped them sit up and they were surprised to see she was holding out their handkerchief. The worn square of red cotton printed with white daisies was the only piece of their original clothing that had been salvageable. Most would have thrown it out anyway, but Sapphire hadn’t commented on their sentimentality. Her own clothing had been burned the night she had chosen a new path. 

“What if I never feel like talking about what happened?”

The woman who had become what she most hated for a chance at revenge looked them in the eyes. Ruby hadn't ever told her, but they fancied that the blue of her eyes was like the sky, changing with the seasons and circumstances. As bleak and cold as the winter sky could be, the perfect blue of a sunny spring day made the soul glad to be alive. They wondered if her eyes had once been that bright, long ago before the winter had come. They wondered if she'd ever known summer, filled with passionate storms and endless days. Most of all, they hoped, they believed, that a life held many seasons and perhaps they'd see spring reflected in her eyes one day. 

For now, what they saw was something solemn and sincere. Sapphire laid her hands over their own and said, “That’s your choice and I would understand it better than anyone. I know enough of what happened. I don’t need the details, Ruby, unless you want to give them to me. Do whatever it is that you need to heal… or you’ll regret it in the end.” 

She didn't need to add “like me” for Ruby to hear what she was really saying. Sapphire was too intelligent to not see the irony of her life and the part she’d played in continuing a cycle of trauma and violence. By her own admission, she’d reached a point where she had no reason left to live and had so poisoned herself with hatred that you’d have thought salt couldn’t save her. But something had changed in the woman who stood holding their hands now. 

“I don't need more from you, either, Sapphire. It's enough.” 

Sapphire nodded and smiled a little for them. Maybe it was conceited of them, but very few things made them feel as accomplished as those small, increasingly less rare smiles. If they were completely honest, it made them feel downright special and maybe sometimes it even made their stomach feel a little fluttery. But that wasn’t a good thing to focus on, not right then and not with Sapphire. Breakfast. Breakfast and getting dressed were safer topics. 

A small silvered glass mirror hung on the opposite wall and that was where Sapphire turned her attention as they dressed. It felt indescribably good to be wearing clean clothing again and Ruby was almost feeling almost like themselves again when they pulled the gold pocket watch out of their vest to check the time. It was the only other thing that had survived their journey and the only possession they genuinely valued. It had been their Pa’s before them and he’d trusted they would keep it safe when they left home with it. True, it had acquired a few more scratches, but so had they. They polished lid with their sleeve and tucked it back into their vest. 

“I know the point is to hide, but I really don't look like myself anymore. I don't even feel like me,” she said, echoing their earlier thoughts, except that she didn’t sound happy about the changes. They had used walnut oil to dye her blonde hair a deep brown. Paired with the bronzed tone their weeks in the sun had given her skin, it made her native heritage obvious and the blue of her eyes that much more startling. Sapphire craned her neck, trying to see herself at every angle, but no view seemed to please her. She adjusted the collar of her dress and smoothed her skirts, her frown deepening until she sighed. “I look like a farmer’s wife.” 

Instead of provoking her by pointing out there was no shame in being a farmer’s wife or in the way she looked in general, Ruby offered to get breakfast. She wasn’t happy with how she looked, for one reason or another, and they were the last person who could dismiss someone for feeling uncomfortable with their appearance. 

Later, after they'd eaten, Ruby spread a map out on the bed between them. Trains were out of the question, because they both were in agreement that nothing was worth parting with their animals. Taking a stagecoach, which had previously been favored by Sapphire, wasn't an option for the same reason. Ruby hesitated to propose finding a group to travel with, considering how unsociable Sapphire could be, but they felt compelled to make the suggestion. Sapphire promptly shot it down by pointing out it was very late in the season for traveling long distances. Anyone planning to travel west by the roads had already left or resigned themselves to wait for spring. Sensibly. 

Neither of them were satisfied with the plan, but in the end they decided to push as far west as they could before the snow started falling. They'd find a place to hole up, which would be expensive, but at least it would put some distance between themselves and anyone who might question their story. Part of Ruby ached to be home faster, but they weren’t a fool. Neither they or their animals were in good physical condition and they had survived too much to risk their lives now in haste. 

“Maybe we can find temporary work over the winter,” Ruby said, mentally counting up the funds they had. They could afford to pay for a comfortable room with money to spare, but the very idea of an entire season spent in idleness made them itch. Judging by Sapphire’s expression, which suggested she thought they’d gone mad, their companion wasn’t of similar opinion. “Don’t wrinkle your nose at me, Sapphire. If you keep making faces and frowning, you’re going to get permanent wrinkles. It might even be too late, actually.”

They’d never before found vanity an endearing trait, but something warm and fond stirred in their heart when Sapphire clapped both hands over her nose and glared over her fingers. They grinned back, to say they were teasing, to provoke her more, and smothered a laugh as Sapphire made a show of huffing and abandoning the bed. The way she flounced across the room to the pile of packages from the previous day was probably even more absurd than she intended, but Ruby treasured these moments of playfulness between them. They’d accused her on more than one occassion of having no friends, but it had been hypocritical of them. They were amiable and got along with most people, but their real friends were few and far between. Ruby hoped they might be able to count her as one now.

“I don’t know that you deserve this, you grinning scapegrace, but I can’t abide the waste of money. Hold out your hands and close your eyes,” Sapphire said, pulling something from the packs and holding it carefully out of sight. 

Ruby thought of how they’d once played the same childish game with her and wondered if she remembered too. They’d been almost mad with excitement and had needed her to share in it and help keep that small hope alive. Sapphire had looked up at them, pathetically confused and suspicious, before closing her eyes. If she’d been any other human being, they’d have pulled her into their arms and hugged her. She wouldn’t have appreciated the affection or understood how touched they’d been by her trust, so they had given her a gift instead. The idea that she was trying to give something to them in the only way she understood was foremost in their mind when Ruby held out their hands obediently. 

Something smooth and round was pressed into their cupped palms. Ruby rubbed the pad of their thumb against it and determined the surface was waxy and slightly pitted. Sapphire told them to open their eyes after a few moments of failing to guess correctly and Ruby discovered she'd given them an orange. Curious, they looked up at her. Sapphire, they’d realized long ago, rarely did anything spontaneously. Even her expression was guarded, staying neutral until she knew where things stood and could decide on her next move. It made their head hurt trying to follow her thought processes, but the insight was worth it. Ruby smiled so she would know they were pleased. 

Sapphire visibly relaxed and, with that taken care of, Ruby tried to understand the orange.They were more used to seeing them at Christmas, but October wasn’t too early in the season and it was a relatively expensive gift. Something bought as a special treat only. Maybe she was trying to say she valued them? Or maybe, like a child who had experienced a bad scare, she was giving them a sweet? They certainly felt like a child when Sapphire took the orange and began peeling it for them. 

“Neither of us are up to steak and potatoes, but you always talked about how you liked sweet foods. In fact, you drove me to distraction with it and… nevermind. I thought you might like a change from porridge and broth,” she was saying. Ruby recognized the stiffness of her shoulders and the way she kept them carefully in her peripheral vision as anxiety and that, even more than the gift, left them in wonder. A human being who they’d feared was impossibly self-centered was trying to please them. Ruby shook their head, trying to rid themselves of thoughts that distracted them from the most important fact. However small or clumsy the effort was, Sapphire was thinking of their happiness. “Fruit is better for you than candy. Mandarin oranges are less messy too - look at this.”

When she put aside the peel, Sapphire showed them how the fruit pulled apart into neat little pieces. Gently squeezing one between their fingers to watch the juice move beneath the thin skin was worse table manners than they normally used, but now that Sapphire was softening to teasing they couldn't pass up the chance. She slapped their shoulder and demanded they stop playing with their food, but Ruby only had eyes for the way the corner of her mouth quirked up like she couldn’t resist being amused. By them. The victory of that left them laughing in delight, despite Sapphire pushing harder until they were sprawled on the mattress, and they held the much abused orange piece aloft. 

A few more squishes proved they weren’t cowed by her and Ruby popped the piece into their mouth. There was one moment of pleasure, reveling in food that had real flavor and the sweet juice running down their throat, and then the juice touched the hole left by their missing tooth. _Pain!_ At the last moment they turned a scream into a cough, choking and gasping. Sapphire was bending over them and talking and Ruby tried to explain, but the sharp stinging _wasn’t stopping_ and they were blinking tears of pain from their eyes and they couldn’t breathe and they hated that something bad that happened in the past was stopping them from finding happiness in the present.

“Sorry, sorry. I shouldn’t have been eating lying down,” Ruby croaked. Sapphire didn’t seem convinced and they doubted the strained smile they offered would change her mind. They just couldn’t bare the idea of telling her the nice thing she’d done had been a mistake. She might be hurt by that. She might stop. So Ruby ...didn’t lie, exactly, they just told a partial truth. “ Really, I should have sat up to eat. It got caught in my throat, but I like the taste. Why don’t you share it with me, Sapphire? If it’s mine, then I want you to have half for yourself.”

So they ate it together, slowly and quietly, with Ruby carefully chewing on the other side of their mouth and putting every other piece into Sapphire’s open palm. They both ignored the tremor in Ruby’s hand. When they’d finished, Ruby said, “Before we leave, I think I should see a doctor or a dentist if they have one. The tooth is gone, but they might have some advice on keeping the wound clean or how take care of it better. I guess it some injuries are going to take longer to heal than I hoped.” 

Sapphire said nothing, but she held their hand for a long time.


	3. Snowbirds

If the mud wasn't up to Garnet’s knees, it wasn't for lack of effort by the weather. They shouldn't have been out after sundown in driving rain and Ruby was so cold that they could barely feel the reins in their hands. Sapphire was pressed tightly against their back. She’d been dead silent since they’d left the town behind, but from the shivering Ruby guessed even her outrage couldn’t keep off the chill. 

They’d made even worse progress than expected. Frequent stops in the towns along their route, each stay lasting a few days as they struggled with exhaustion, had slowed them down. An early winter was already closing in. Ruby was increasingly frightened to keep pushing westward, but no place they'd come to felt right. It might have been foolish, but even if their mind said they'd run out of time, something in their gut said not yet. Not yet. Ruby wasn't sure what they were searching for, but they would know when they found it. 

It definitely wasn't the last town, where the pair had been stared at with unconcealed suspicion from the moment they arrived. The town was big enough to have a place where food and drink was served. They’d been let in the door grudgingly and served at a price Ruby chose not to tell Sapphire about. There had been a hotel that claimed to be full, despite a visible lack of guests, and Sapphire had nearly dragged them out the door when she felt their polite questions had strayed too close to begging for her dignity to endure. 

That has been hours ago. The weather hadn’t looked so bad and they’d still had some time before sunset to find shelter, or so Ruby had thought. Hoped. Prayed. Damn it. They couldn’t even see the road anymore and had given Garnet her head. If nothing else, letting her set the path and pace might help avoid a broken leg, but the rain wasn’t letting up and they couldn’t wander all night long. Sapphire’s breath on the back on their neck was the only warmth left to them and even that was an added worry, because she seemed to be wheezing. Ruby patted her hand where it was clenched in their shirt and felt for Sass’s lead rope. 

The mule did them one better by pressing her nose into their reaching hand. It was a measure of how worn out the ornery creature was that she didn’t bite them for leading her into such misery, and Ruby rubbed her nose consolingly before she could change her mind. Of the group, only Garnet seemed to be confident, moving slowly but steadily onward. Ruby pulled gently at the reins, testing, but Garnet didn’t turn or stop. Well, it wasn’t as if they had any better ideas. They’d been naive enough to think they’d left hopelessness behind in the prairie, but Ruby was relearning a truth they’d forgotten: to be surrounded by uncaring strangers was worst kind of isolation of all. That was when they saw a small light in the darkness.

No, a small lamp in a window. Ruby squinted and looked around, just barely making out the outlines of a farmhouse and what might have been a barn. They had no reason to expect the outlying areas would be any more friendly than the town, but that lamp in the window had to be a sign. It was going to have to be a sign, because Ruby didn’t see any other options. Sapphire’s head was heavy on their shoulder and they shrugged to get her attention. She reacted sluggishly, lifting her forehead after a few moments and dropping it back down like even that was too much effort, and that made up Ruby’s mind. If they had to beg, they would beg, but they needed to get everyone into some sort of shelter. The barn would work if this person, whoever they were, didn’t care for the idea of strangers in the house. 

Ruby had wanted to knock on the door and speak to the owner alone. When Sapphire could afford to pave her way with money, her arrogance had been both expected and ignored. Now it was a liability that Ruby didn’t know how to explain without starting a fight, but Sapphire wouldn’t stand for things happening in her life that she wasn’t a part of. At least her knock had been polite, even if her scowl wasn’t going to win friends. Muffled footsteps could be heard from behind the door and Ruby used their last seconds to pray this person would see the hurt under Sapphire's prideful posturing. Maybe their clasped hands and desperation would speak louder. 

Normally, when a person opens a door at an unholy hour of night, they open it a crack only and peer out. That had been what Ruby was expecting. They’d been prepared for that and was ready to plead their case. Instead, the door was thrown wide open and a lamp thrust so close to their face that Ruby was momentarily blinded. They felt Sapphire stiffen beside them and threw out an arm, smacking her across the chest harder than they meant to and uncertain who they were trying to protect from whom. They were still blinking spots from their eyes when an elderly sounding woman’s voice asked what they were doing.

“I...I… so sorry...didn’t mean to wake you up… raining and cold… help?” This was getting more embarrassing by the second. Ruby knew they were babbling and they could almost feel the exasperation rolling off Sapphire like body heat. It wasn’t helping. But the door wasn’t closing and they were starting to see clearly again. The elderly woman in front of them was tall and lean. The stark shadows thrown by the lamp made it hard to tell, but Ruby got the impression of beauty in the way a dried rose was beautiful, holding the perfection of form despite the fading and wear of time. They bet her thorns were still sharp too, judging by the narrow eyes watching them from behind wire lenses. The fire iron in her free hand might have added to the impression too. “Even the barn, Ma’am. Please, we don’t want to be a problem.” 

“Child, you’re speaking nonsense and it’s far too late for that,” she said, sounding oddly serene for someone holding an iron stake. The woman smiled just enough that a dimple showed on her left cheek and the expression brought a certain softness to the angles and furrows of her face. “Put your horse and mule in the barn, properly, mind you, and come inside. I’ll not have either of you catching your death of cold on my doorstep.” 

Having given them their marching orders and apparently confident in their obedience, the woman handed Ruby the lamp and closed the door. They wondered if they were dreaming. It had the unreal feeling of a dream, but they forgot everything when they looked over at Sapphire. They might have died laughing except that Sapphire might have really killed them if they had, but a new expression had come over her face: the perplexed and slightly insulted look of a woman who’d met her match. Her eyebrows were almost touching and the pursed, almost pouting lips were too much. Ruby hid the laughter bubbling up with a coughing fit.

The barn wasn’t too far from the house and was laid out very simply, the majority of the ground floor taken up by three large loose boxes. A pair of dairy cows were sleeping in one and Garnet walked into one of the empty ones as confidently as if it had been hers since birth. Sass followed on her heels, balking at the open gate and choosing to snuffle around the corners of the loose box before allowing Ruby to catch her. A kerosene lamp in a building filled with straw was a hazard, so Sapphire stood nearby holding it while Ruby stripped the animals of their harnesses and packs, rubbed them down, and made sure they had fresh water and hay available if they wanted it. 

The familiar routine was soothing for them. Ruby breathed in the scent of fresh hay and wet horse, warming up with the activity, but they couldn’t help but be distracted by Sapphire. She still hadn’t said anything and, though Ruby had looked at her periodically as they groomed the animals, they couldn’t begin guess her mood behind the indifferent mask. The casual way she was leaning against a post was nothing more than an act. Sapphire’s good eye was turned towards the barn door and the way she sometimes would yawn and stretch covered the way she turned to take inventory of the rest of the area. They stood in her blind spot and Ruby didn't know how to feel about either: her lack of trust in the world or her apparent trust in them. They had no doubt that the artfully relaxed appearance could and would snap to full attention in an instant.

Walking back to the house seemed lonely without the warm bulk of animals huddling close to them, anchoring them securely. The world outside the circle of lamplight was a dreary jumble of shadows that loomed, indistinct and seeming to move in unnatural ways, all around them. Wind moaned around the corners of buildings they could barely see and the night chill settled deeper into their bones. The moon peeked down at them through a hole in the clouds, but it only made Ruby feel more cut off. Even the moonlight couldn't reach them. They hesitantly bumped the back of Sapphire’s hand with their own. A few times. Anxious to insist and too insecure not to. Sapphire’s hand briefly closed around their own, squeezed, and let go. Did that mean stop? Was she saying she noticed, but was too distracted or tense? She never looked away from the house. Ruby might have puzzled over it until they made themselves ill, but at that exact moment there was a shout from the back door. 

“Here! Over here!” Light appeared at the back of the house and they followed it around to another door. The lady waved them into the kitchen, but Ruby hadn’t taken more than a few steps past the threshold when a hand on their chest brought them to a stop. The lady shook her head and wagged a scolding finger at them both. “Oh no you don’t. Not a step further into my home. You’re both dripping water everywhere and you have muddy boots. What you’re going to do now is put on the dry clothes I’ve left on the table and leave your boots by the door. I’ll be in the parlour up front with a fresh pot of tea and some biscuits when you’re finished. Bring that lamp with you and blow out the other one on the table when you’re done in this room.”

With that, the grande dame bustled out of the kitchen, once again seemingly secure in the belief that her orders would be followed to the letter. Ruby wasn’t going to argue. Sapphire might want to, but they trusted that logic and self preservation would keep her mouth shut. Mostly. She seemed to be grumbling under her breath about overbearing old hens. They held back a comment about pullets complaining that hens cluck, but the thought kept them awake and entertained as Sapphire marched over to the table, grabbed a folded quilt from the pile of linens, and made them hold it up as a makeshift screen to change behind.

When it was their turn, Ruby asked Sapphire to return the favor. If she wondered why someone who had never shown concern over undressing in front of her had suddenly had a change of heart, she asked no questions. The cold air hit their bare skin like a slap and Ruby quickly scrubbed their skin dry with a towel. They weren’t surprised that the lady had given them a man’s long nightshirt and that was part of why they wanted privacy. Ruby felt too worn down to start answering awkward questions that night, just in case she decided to peek in and check they weren’t robbing the place. 

Dry and dressed, they took a moment to look at each other in dim glow of lamplight. The night clothes they’d been given hung on their half-starved frames like children wearing their parent’s things. Even if they had been in better health, the original owners had clearly been taller and, in Ruby’s case, far broader in the shoulders. Sapphire caught their eyes and Ruby knew that crooked, self-deprecating little smile on her lips was as close as she’d get to admitting it was all funny in an absurd sort of way. She wouldn’t have appreciated their impulse to hug her close, so they settled for wrapping the quilt around her shoulders. 

Her hand touched theirs as Ruby stepped away, running across their knuckles and leaving behind a warmth that wasn’t entirely the simple heat of her skin. Ignore that. Ruby shook their head and took the second quilt from the kitchen table, turning down the wick of the second lamp before bundling up in warm, dry cotton. Sapphire and the remaining lamp lead the way into the next room. The wooden floor was cold under their bare feet, but Ruby was already feeling warmer in the folds of their quilt and the nightshirt was soft in the way that only old clothing could be. There was no more light inside than they’d had outside, but the shadows felt friendlier as they crowded in on the strangers, whispering reassurances in the creaking of wood and the crackle of the fire in the parlor. 

The lady was sitting in an old wingback chair by the fireplace and Sapphire took a seat on the couch angled across from it. Ruby tried to borrow some of her dignity as they sat down next to her, but the hearth rug was looking more inviting by the second. Sapphire’s attitude, the prideful way she held her head up and her posture, said that she belonged anywhere because she would make a place for herself. Beside her, wrapped in identical quilts and borrowed clothes, they still ended up looking less mature and confident. And they’d never thought about things like that before her.

“You're a regular pair of scarecrows, aren't you?” The lady asked without preamble. She didn’t give them time to answer, not that Ruby could think of anything to say to that, before adding, “I'm going to assume they said there was no room at the inn.” 

If the first remark had been embarrassing, then the second made their cheeks burn. Ruby hunched lower into their patchwork cocoon and glanced at Sapphire. It fit into the story they’d agreed upon, but it was the first time anyone had made a point of it. And maybe the idea of Sapphire as the Blessed Virgin was enough to make a cat laugh. Her Holiness was unamused and their host clearly was. 

“I think I can do better than a stable for you. There's two empty bedrooms upstairs and I've made up the one on the left. Now, we’ve put the cart before the horse long enough. My name is Maggie and I'd appreciate knowing yours.”

“Sarah and Robbie, Ma’am.” Sapphire answered for both of them and it was just as well. Butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. The way things were going, Ruby feared they’d stutter over calling Sapphire their wife. “We were trying to reach family further out west before winter.”

Maggie stood and came close enough to lay a hand on each of their shoulders. It could have been the flickering of the firelight, but her expression seemed to shift between one moment and the next. Whether it was desperation, grief, or anything else, Ruby knew the hand on their shoulder felt kind and the last look was one they knew well from their own pa. They’d seen it often when they’d wanted something very badly and he’d had been forced to tell them no for their own good. “I doubt you’ll make it that far, but we can discuss that tomorrow.”

After that, the subject was dropped. Maggie went to a sideboard and got hot tea and biscuits with jam. Ruby let the ladies talk about nothing in particular and focused on the pleasant feeling of being inside and tucked into a blanket during a rainstorm. The extra heat from the tea made them want to curl up on the hearth rug even more, to better enjoy being warmed inside and out. Raindrops pattering on the roof and low conversation in the background, dim gold-tinged light and soft linen. Ruby’s eyelids drooped and distantly they felt the cup being taken from their hand. Sapphire was pulling at their elbow. They didn’t remember the stairs and their last clear thought was how good a real down mattress felt.


	4. Home to Roost

They woke to the sound of rain, a steady drumbeat that promised there would be no traveling any time soon. Wrapped in soft blankets and with the heavy warmth of Sapphire behind them, Ruby couldn’t have said they minded staying longer. They stretched slowly and turned to face Sapphire who, much to their surprise, was still sleeping. Not to suggest for a second that she was a morning person, because she’d frequently made it clear to them that she’d rather stay up to unholy hours of the night and sleep past noon, but because she slept lightly. The smallest movement usually brought her to full wakefulness and, other than the time she’d spend unconscious, they’d never seen her asleep. 

In those past, nightmarish times, her face had been lined with pain and twisted by misery. Now, they took the rare opportunity to watch a Sapphire who was, at least for a short while, at total peace. She was curled on her side, her cut and dyed hair softly framing her face instead of being plastered to her skin by sweat and grime. The marks of starvation were still stamped on her features, but the gauntness was slowly smoothing out. Vulnerable and soft were not normally words they’d use to describe Sapphire, but they did now. They reached out to touch the sleep-flushed skin of her cheek.

A small fluttering of her eyelashes was all the warning they needed to put their hand down. Even asleep beside them, Sapphire wasn’t theirs to touch. Not without her permission. And that was something they doubted she’d ever give. It didn’t matter that to them it was as natural as breathing, this urge to touch and hold and be near to people they cared for. To Sapphire, it meant only one thing and they couldn’t ruin her trust in them to satisfy their own needs. That was too much like… 

Ruby eased out of bed. There was a porcelain pitcher and basin on washstand by the window, so after splashing some water on their face and toweling off, they took the time to inventory the room they’d spent the night in. Growing up as the child of a general store owner had taught Ruby a great deal about household items and, while they didn’t care much about money and the trappings of it, they knew several things at a glance. The porcelain was almost translucent, suggesting high quality, and the lavender scented soap beside the basin was store bought. Maybe even imported. French lace curtains hung in the windows and, while obviously old, the furniture was nicely painted and accented with small flowers on the headboard. A hand on top of the washstand and a quick shake told Ruby it was sturdy and both it and the floor were levelled. 

Sapphire was still asleep and it seemed kinder to let her rest. A tempting scent was beginning to fill the house and the gurgling of their stomach reminded Ruby that they were very, very hungry. They got as far as the door before remembering they were half dressed, but someone had already taken care of the problem. Folded neatly on a chair beside the door was a set of pants and a shirt. On top was their watch and draped over the back was with a deep rose colored dress for Sapphire. That dress, with its starched white collar and outdated style, made up Ruby’s mind. They would not be there when Sapphire saw what she had to wear. But before they left, Ruby put their pocket watch on the pillow beside her. The last thing they wanted was for her to wake up and think, even for a moment, she’d been left behind.

Ruby was almost drooling by the time they got to the kitchen. These clothes were oversized too and they had to roll up the sleeves and the pant legs, exaggerating how thin and small their frame was. They looked like a famine victim, which wasn't untrue, and Maggie treated them accordingly. She didn't even try to make conversation. The lady pointed to a chair at the table and Ruby sat. Within minutes a bowl of oat porridge was set in front of them, generously sweetened with cinnamon and sugar. Fried eggs and bacon followed close behind and Ruby lost themselves in the simple pleasure of taste. By the time it occurred to them that this was rude behavior, most of the food was gone and no other needs were distracting them from just how embarrassed they were. Ruby stalled until the dishes had been scraped clean. Hesitantly, they looked up at their host. “Ah… good morning, Miss Maggie. Thank you for taking the time to make breakfast. It was delicious.”

“I’m too old to be a miss, dear. Aunt Maggie will do just fine.” She answered, offering them a thin smile that Ruby hoped meant she was more amused than offended. In Sapphire, that’s what it would have meant. She definitely hadn’t been fooled and she was staring at them so critically now that Ruby hunched down in the chair. “Sit up straight. We’re going to have to fatten you up a bit, I‘d say. The pair of you look like seven years of famine.”

“I guess you could say we fell on hard times, Sarah and I. Very hard.” Ruby straightened their spine, but it was difficult to look her in the eyes. Not when they were about to ask her, a perfect stranger, for a favor they had no right to ask. “Mi…Aunt Maggie, I apologize if this is taking advantage of your hospitality, but could we trouble you a few more days? I'm afraid traveling in this weather isn't safe.”

The lady sighed and wiped her hands on a dishrag. She looked briefly out the window at the leaden sky. Waiting for an answer was almost killing them, because even with the heat of the stove nearby they could feel the cold coming up through the floorboards. The somber mood was so thick that Ruby begin to bend beneath it, despite the scolding about their posture, so maybe it wasn’t surprising that they almost fell out of their chair when Maggie burst out laughing.

“Oh, it's safe enough if you want to go home in pine boxes. The problem, I take it, is that the two of you want to get there alive?” Ruby stared up into grey eyes, seeing the twinkle of mischief, but too dumbfounded to answer. Maggie smiled wider and gestured around the kitchen. “As long as you make yourselves useful, you and your wife are welcome to stay as long as you need. And I don't mean jump to your feet! Gracious, have you always been like this or does your wife crack the whip that often?” 

She was still laughing and it wasn’t a cruel sound, but Ruby would have preferred to run out to the barn and hide with the animals. Again with Sapphire being their wife! They knew it was the story, but their cheeks stung like they’d been slapped. A wife who cracked the whip, no less. Would that make Sapphire laugh too or would she be insulted? Maggie pulled and tugged until they were sitting again and she pulled up a chair beside them. They barely paid attention to it, but then she was patting their hand. “I can guess what happened in town and, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. The world is full of people who seem perfectly reasonable as long as they’re surrounded by people exactly like themselves.”

Ruby looked down at the pale fingers, seeing the contrast with their own dark tan, but also seeing the arthritic looking joints and the thin skin that only comes with age. Just as they’d noticed in the bedroom upstairs, Ruby looked around at a kitchen that had been fitted with old, but very high quality items. This wasn’t the excess of someone born to wealth, they were certain. There was nothing ostentatious. It looked to them like the home of a frugal mind who bought things to last a lifetime and so had bought well when they did spend money. What wasn’t there was any sign of other people. 

“Are you here alone, Maggie?”

She let go of their hand and leaned back in her chair. They knew Sapphire too well to not see the challenge in the narrowing of her eyes or hear it in the suddenly curt tone. “I am.”

It would have been a difficult and lonely job to keep up a place like this farm as a young person living alone, but Ruby couldn’t imagine doing it alone at Maggie’s age. She might well be as tough as a briar, but even briars eventually become brittle. But it wasn’t their place to say that or to question anyone’s right to independence. Instead, they asked another question that had been on their mind since the night before. 

“I saw the lamp in your window… I hoped it meant something.”

“It’s an old family tradition. My family kept a lighthouse for generations and, though the stones of the building are gone and the shore it stood on is an ocean away, I like to think it still lives on in me. I always keep a light in the window for the lost, so they know this is a safe harbor.” As she spoke, Maggie had leaned forward. She was reaching out to them and they didn’t doubt her sincerity, but Ruby had the oddest feeling that she was the one feeling lost. Maybe it was the memory of the grief in her face the night before or the wistful look in her eyes now. They thought of a home with no one else in it and took her hands. 

Maggie’s fingers curled around their own tightly. Ruby thought they saw gratitude in her eyes before her entire attitude shifted to one of humor and assurance. She gave their hand one more quick squeeze and stood up. “Now, if you want my opinion, and you have no choice but to listen to it if you want to stay, I think light work, good food, and sleep is what you two need most now. I have that to give.” 

Although she softened the order with laughter and they chose to join her in it, Ruby felt a twinge of unease. The idea of two domineering women living under the same roof reminded them of a bible verse they’d giggled over as a child in Sunday School. It had been in Proverbs and had said living on the roof of a house was better than living inside of a house with a quarrelsome woman, except now it didn’t seem so funny. The floorboards above them creaked and Ruby made a very fast choice. If a pecking order needed to be established, then Ruby would just as soon be outside with a good excuse to stay out. 

“I uh…did you have anything in particular you needed me to do this morning, Maggie?”

The lady of the house nodded and got something from the floor on the far side of the stove. A moment later, two milk pails clanged down on the table, one on either side of their empty plate. Maggie was grinning at them and Ruby knocked their chair over trying to stand up without looking her in the eyes. They stumbled, went down hard on one knee, and set the chair back upright before running out the kitchen door. They tried not to slam it behind them.

As expected, the barn was a haven of peace and Ruby threw themselves into the work with relief. The animals needed fresh water and the stalls needed mucking out, which took a satisfyingly long time. Maggie hadn't told them which pasture she wanted the cows to be grazed in or given permission for Garnet and Sass to be turned out with them, so they brought hay down from the loft. With everyone comfortable, they spent a little more time on introducing themselves to the dairy cows. 

They were small, as cows go, with honey-brown bodies and cream tipped muzzles. Ruby thought they might be jerseys or at least something from jersey stock. It felt good to stroke the delicate little faces and pretend Sapphire wasn’t going to take the whole situation, from her new clothes to the implication of housekeeping, badly. There was a milking stool in the corner and Ruby had just gotten settled on it and was leaning into a warm flank when the barn door was flung open. She was there, the light behind her and shadows falling across her face. A vision in pink striped homespun with a matching bonnet. Ruby swallowed hard. 

“If you laugh at me…” Sapphire’s voice trailed off, not finishing her threat. It wasn’t necessary.

“Nothing could be further from my mind, Sapphire. Honest.” Ruby choked out the words, trying not to do exactly that. It wasn’t funny. It really wasn’t that funny, really, but they were starting to feel more than a little hysterical and laughter that wasn’t entirely laughter was trying to bubble up. But. The bonnet. Dear God, somehow Maggie even got Sapphire into the bonnet. The bonnet, which she pushed off to dangle from her neck by the strings, left her shorn hair sticking up like a furious cat’s. 

“The nerve of that woman! Look at what I’m wearing! Just look! ” Ruby tried to obey, but then they noticed the apron. The cows were stamping and lowing, picking up on the tension, and Ruby had to soothe them before one ended up kicking them in the head. At least it was a plain apron. No frills. Another stamp and Ruby stood up to start petting the cows again. They really didn’t want to lose another tooth. “She gave me a basket and this absurd hat! Then she says I can go gather eggs after breakfast I told her I wasn’t hungry and didn’t eat much for breakfast except toast and tea. She laughed and said I’d be singing a different tune by lunch!”

If Sapphire wasn’t singing a different, far sorrier tune by lunch, Ruby would eat their hat and hers too. That is, if she wasn’t hungry enough to eat them herself. A light breakfast might have suited her past lifestyles, but she was going to be keeping up with farm now. Their esteem of Maggie was rising higher as the day went on and it wasn’t even noon. Like a mother with a willful child who ignored sound advice, Maggie was going to let Sapphire learn the hard way. And, again, like a mother, she’d likely be close by when the lesson had been learned to offer help again. Sapphire was so stubborn that they doubted once would be enough. 

Their own pa had resorted to that a few times. Those had been terrible moments, but it was only years later that Ruby had realized their pa had suffered just as much watching them. And they’d also realized those had been lessons they’d needed to learn. Sapphire was pacing up and down the empty center aisle of the barn, silently fuming, and they were struck by how childish she seemed after the mature and confident face Sapphire had shown the night before. It was probably a long time since she’d known a mother or father in her life. Homesickness, a terrible, overwhelming desperation to be held by their pa and told everything would be well in the end, almost drove them to their knees. Blindly, Ruby stretched their arms out. 

It really was a nice cow. Smaller than Garnet, but still sturdy and warm. It didn’t seem to mind having its neck hugged or the way they were getting its neck damp. They petted it’s soft nose until the other one bumped their shoulder for attention and they switched cows. The quiet was getting a little unsettling. They hadn’t heard Sapphire leave, but it was odd that she wasn’t saying anything. Ruby sniffed and tried to dry their eyes, but they’d left their handkerchief with their wet clothing before.There was a heavy sigh behind them and the cow moved aside for Sapphire, who wiped the corners of their eyes with the hem of her apron. With the other hand she held out the milk pail and asked, “Show me how to milk a cow?”

That strained smile was Sapphire trying, trying to be kind, trying to be someone she didn’t know how to be, and so Ruby smiled back. It was easy enough to show her how to tie the cow and place the stool and pail. At the last moment they remembered the bucket of water they'd left by the loft ladder and asked Sapphire to bring it to them. With the clean rag they'd thrown into the bucket, Ruby washed off the udders and then, putting it aside, began chafing their hands to create warmth.

“...and what is that for?”

Ruby grinned up at Sapphire and wiggled their fingers in the air. “Would you appreciate cold hands touching your breasts? I have the smallest ones in this barn, so maybe I’m ignorant, but I wouldn’t enjoy it. Neither would this cow. ” 

It wasn’t possible to read Sapphire’s expression clearly, but her jaw certainly dropped. She also crossed her arms over her chest, making Ruby wonder if they should have thought twice before telling a joke like that to Sapphire. Then they had to ask themselves if even they thought it was funny now. After what happened. It had been a long time since Ruby had felt this uncomfortable in their own skin, uncertain of what felt right or wrong. They hated it. This was something they’d left behind in childhood, except now they felt like a child all over again! 

“The cows don't mind,” Ruby said, knowing they were being defensive without anyone criticizing them. Like Sapphire. They took a deep breath and blew out the frustration. “Not milking them is bad. Eventually it would start hurting and then they might get an infection. Milk fever is very serious.”

With no contradictions from Sapphire, Ruby bent their head and started milking. Their hands started feeling cramped after a bit, they didn’t see the point in complaining. That’s just what unworked muscles did when you exercised them. They’d almost reached a point of peaceful not-thinking when the straw shifted behind them and a warm body leaned against their back. She didn’t speak, but having Sapphire’s head resting on their shoulder and her physical closeness was a truer kind of peace than distraction. 

When they reached the point where they were done with that cow, Ruby was reluctant to stand up and end the moment. Sere beat them to it, sighing and standing up on her own. She backed towards the barn door and Ruby let themselves imagine it was because she didn’t want to look away or be separated any more than they did. They hadn’t noticed before, but there was a large basket by the barn door that she must have dropped, or more likely thrown aside, on her way in.

“I was going to let the chickens out and gather eggs, so I’d best get to it before it’s time to put them back in the shed for the night.”

She had her chores and they had theirs. It was strange, but somehow that idea felt better than they expected. They had a place and things to do. Ruby went back to milking, feeling happier than they had in days. This was their chance to show Sapphire that a quiet life wasn’t an unhappy or boring thing! They were still daydreaming happily and finishing with the second cow when an unholy screeching broke out in the yard.

They had the presence of mind to put the lids on the pails, though they fumbled it badly. Milk slopped over the edges and puddled around them as Ruby dropped the pails just inside the barn door, hardly looking back to make sure they hadn’t overturned completely before rushing outside to see what new nightmare was unfolding. 

On the other side of the house, in the fenced chicken yard, Ruby found where the battle lines had been drawn. The hens were huddled around the chickenshed and between them and Sapphire was The Rooster. It was a giant leghorn, brilliantly red and iridescent green, and every feather on its body was standing on end. _War_ , The Rooster screamed at the top of its lungs! _War on the Enemy! Vixen! Hawk! Serpent! Despoiler of nests and devourer of children! Attack! Drive it away!_

Sapphire was no less vocal in her hatred, yelling back a bewildering, mangled assortment of profanities in French and English so heavily accented that it was barely recognizable as such. Or at least they thought she was cursing. The Rooster understood even less, but there was no confusing her tone. Sapphire stood holding out the basket like a lion tamer with a chair. When she edged towards the chickens again, The Rooster flew at her in fury and she skipped backwards so fast she almost fell. Her hand came up in a blocking movement and Ruby saw stream of bright red was dripping down it. If there has been any humor in the situation, that ended it for Ruby. A full grown rooster using it’s spurs and beak could do a lot of damage. Even getting smacked by a wing could bruise badly. 

“Sapphire.” They didn’t yell, but Sapphire’s head jerked around. Her eyes narrowed as she realized her humiliation had an audience. She could go right on being embarrassed over taking second place to a chicken too, if that’s what she wanted, but she needed to listen. “Leave the basket and walk very slowly back to the barn. That rooster isn’t going to let you get past unless you kill him. I don’t doubt you could, but he has two daggers and a beak against your one dagger. You’d get hurt doing it and then we’d have to explain to the generous woman who is letting us stay in her home why you killed her rooster. How’s your hand?”

The Rooster had paused when Sapphire quieted down. It spared them one disdainful look before focusing again on the enemy. Dismissed by a chicken. Yes, their confidence was doing very well at this point, but, miraculously, Sapphire was obeying. She eased the basket to the ground and started walking away. The bonnet still swinging from her neck by the strings almost made them laugh, almost, but they valued her good will and their own skin too much. Anyway, the sound might provoke The Rooster. As Sapphire moved out of its territory, The Rooster’s feathers began smoothing down.

“It pecked me, but I think I’ll live,” she answered dryly. “Do you want me to bring the milk inside for you?”

“Yes, thank you. I’ll get the eggs and meet you inside,” Ruby replied. Sapphire was wrapping her bleeding hand in her apron and the morning hadn’t exactly been perfect, but somehow it still felt good to think they were working together. With a final sound like the creaking of a rusted iron gate, The Rooster strutted off victoriously. The gaggle of hens began spreading out and scratching at the dirt for anything interesting now that the show was over. 

Ruby watched Sapphire until she was indoors and then picked up the basket she’d dropped. Heaven knew, but hopefully that spectacle wouldn’t put the hens off laying. They edged closer to the chickenshed, watching The Rooster with more suspicion than they’d ever felt for Sapphire. When they’d been facing Sapphire, they’d been up against a being who at least valued her own life, mostly, but they’d watched a rooster fight a coyote to the death and, with its last screeching breath, peck an eye out of the furry carcass. You didn’t fight with something that insane. They need not have bothered worrying for their safety.

The Rooster fluttered to the top of the chickenshed and looked down it’s beak at them. They felt judged by those beady little eyes and then entirely dismissed as unimportant. It glanced once at the building Sapphire had disappeared into and then turned its attention skyward for hawks. Anything else would have made collecting eggs impossible and they hadn’t really wanted to confront an enraged rooster, but still. They weren’t harmless! It was right back to the early days with Sapphire, when she thought of them as a little better than an overgrown child with more morals than mind. She… she didn’t still think that, right?

Ruby sighed and scrubbed their face. Chickens. Eggs. Finish their chores and go see how Sapphire was doing. There was no way she could come near the chickens again, but the cows had been very docile. Sapphire the milkmaid. Ruby snorted and started laughing, the tense feeling in their gut unwinding. The Rooster clucked disapproval before ignoring them again, which only made it funnier. If they’d expected to show Sapphire a peaceful life, this was nothing like it, but maybe this was better. Real life was messy and strange and full of little moments worth living. They were still sitting with their back to the coop, breathless from laughing, when Maggie came out to make sure they were still alive.


	5. Assume Is Spelled With a U and a ME

Maggie had to help them with collecting eggs in the end, but she seemed to find the entire disaster entertaining. The Rooster fluttered down to the ground when the older woman approached and for a terrible second Ruby thought round two was about to begin. Instead, unbelievably, the feathered menace crooned and plucked at her skirt until Maggie bent down and stroked it’s glossy feathers. It was hardly intimidating looking now, with its eyes half-lidded and almost falling over with bliss as she scratched under its neck feathers. The hens took their direction from The Rooster and demanded attention. Soon enough, Ruby had one chicken in their lap and a second under their left arm. 

“She’s fine, if you were worried. It might leave a small scar on her hand, but it doesn’t look like it will be the first,” Maggie said, once she’d shooed The Rooster back to guard duty. Ruby heard the question under the words and pretended they hadn’t. The story they’d come up with hadn’t covered how Sapphire had come to have deep scratches on the palms of her hands and if Maggie had already asked Sapphire about them, Ruby didn’t want to contradict what she’d said. “I’ve never had that happen before, O’Malley. This bird doesn’t like strangers much, but he’s never attacked a human. That’s the only reason I’m not wringing his neck now, because I will not keep a menace to society alive on this farm. Do you have any idea why this might have happened?”

Ruby shook off their chickens and took the basket into the shed. That wasn’t a question - it was a snare. It told Ruby that Maggie was just as clever as they thought and, like her rooster, she sensed something was off. She might not know what and she wasn’t going to make feathers fly yet, but she was scratching around for information. They suppressed a groan. It wasn’t only that it was immoral to tell lies, it was hard work trying to remember what they could and couldn’t say. Simple, Sapphire had said. The best lies are simple and as close to the truth as possible. 

“I...uh… maybe he smelled a city girl and took offense.” 

There was a dry chuckle from behind them and the light was dimmed as Maggie came up to lean against the doorframe. Ruby didn’t look up from the nest boxes and their hunt for eggs until Maggie’s hand clasped their shoulder. They almost jumped out of their borrowed clothes in alarm, half expecting her to say she wanted them both off her land as quickly as possible. Instead, all Maggie said was, “That will be our answer, then. I find the cows are less prejudiced animals, so you can trade chores with her.” 

Maggie didn’t press the point as they searched the straw, but Ruby still felt miserably tense. Sapphire really wasn’t a menace anymore. Not now. They were only lying a little and their secret wasn’t anything that would bring harm to Maggie. In fact, telling her would put her on the wrong side of the law if she continued sheltering them. They reminded themselves again all the reasons why lying was the right thing to do this time. Their heart shrugged off any and all reassurance, rightfully knowing it was all just excuses, so Ruby told her the only thing they could. The words felt raw in their throat and even Ruby was surprised by the desperation that poured out when they said, “We don’t mean any harm. I swear to you that we don’t want any trouble, Mi...Aunt Maggie. I just want to go home!” 

“Put the basket down, O’Malley.” It was an order and Ruby obeyed it without question, only to find Maggie was pulling them into her arms. She swayed back and forth, gently rocking them and holding tightly until they relaxed into the embrace. The tears that never seemed to be far from falling welled up in their eyes. After they’d had time to calm down, Maggie pushed back far enough to look into their eyes. “I believe you when you say that, so I’ll say this in return. You’re welcome to call this home until spring. I’ve been out to the barn to see your mare and she’s as done in as you and your wife. There’s a time to fight and then there is a time to surrender.” 

Ruby really couldn’t argue, not around the lump in their throat or with the logical argument Maggie made. They didn’t even know why they were struggling with it. Hadn’t they wanted a place to stay for the winter where they could work for their room and board? Hadn’t they been praying for this kind of chance? Sapphire wouldn’t like it, but she wasn’t so irrational that she’d risk their lives on the road this late in the season. Or was she? That question was enough to distract them all the way back to the house.

They found Sapphire sitting at the kitchen table, her hand bandaged and an untouched cup of tea in front of her. The bonnet was hanging off the back of her chair, looking as dejected and rumpled as the woman who had been wearing it. Sapphire didn’t so much as glance in their direction, seemingly giving all her attention to the teacup as though she could divine the mysteries of the universe in the tea leaves. For all Ruby knew, she could. Sapphire was full of odd like hobbies from her previous life in show business and adding “fortune teller” to her list of roles wouldn’t be that strange.

“What is its name?”

Her question seemed nonsensical to Ruby, but Maggie answered her with polite sounding interest. “Whose name, dear? The rooster? On a farm, it's best to not name your dinner. The cows are Honeybee and Sugar, but the chickens aren't named. Did you have a name for him in mind?”

_“Fricot.”_

Ruby understood nothing beyond her tone, sharp as a knife and dripping with resentment. Mortified that she was using some sort of obscene language in front of their elderly host, they quickly turned to Maggie. The apology died on their lips as the lady in question almost doubled over laughing. Their head whipped between the two woman in confusion, frustrated and desperate to figure out the joke. Sapphire was smirking and there was something in the twist of her lips that made their stomach twist too. Maggie was wiping tears of mirth from her eyes, but she was the one who eventually took pity on them and explained.

“I said it’s not a good idea to name dinner, but your wife has a wicked sense of humor. It’s not a name as much as… planning dinner in advance? She’s suggesting we call my rooster a french stew made with meat and dumplings. My dear, you have my permission to call the rooster whatever pleases you.”

Sapphire inclined her head in a mock deference, spreading her hands wide. “Don’t mind if I do.” 

The next few days passed uneventfully and the topic of leaving or staying was carefully avoided. Sapphire didn't turn up her nose at breakfast after the second day. Ruby strongly suspected she regretted her choice after the first, but had held out for one more morning to make a point. The overly bland smile on Maggie’s face when Sapphire silently held her plate out for more ham and biscuits said she knew it too. The bonnet remained. Why it remained was a question Sapphire refused to answer and, to stay in her good graces, Ruby stopped asking. 

To Ruby’s surprise, Sapphire was content to be left alone for long periods of time with the cows and she made of point of taking all the animals out to pasture. Ruby tried not to check up on her too often, wanting to respect her need to have that time to herself, but sometimes they couldn’t resist the need to see her. Once they even found her talking to the cows. She'd been holding Honeybee’s muzzle in both hands and seemed to be imparting some serious piece of information, while the cow had been blinking up at her with mild, dark eyes. The moment was broken by Sass braying for attention too. Sapphire laughed and went to pet the mule next. They left before she could notice and smiled to themselves for hours. Even if it was only towards animals, Ruby believed in the tiny seeds of gentleness they had secretly witnessed. 

Much to their regret, other behaviors put that hope to the test. Sapphire barely spoke more than a handful of words to Maggie, doing only as she was asked and retreating into solitude at the first opportunity. Not that she complained, not in words, but by the fourth day Ruby could almost feel her withdrawing. By the fifth day they were left shivering in the cold that was seeping in to fill the space between them. Only at night could they count on her pulling them close and, in the privacy of their borrowed room, offering a little of the emotional support Ruby hadn’t realize they’d become so dependent on. Maybe it frightened them a bit too, this feeling of needing someone who possessed a razor-edge mind and a glass heart. 

On the sixth day, Sapphire excused herself from the table after lunch and said she needed to lay down. Maggie offered to bring her a cup of tea and was dismissed by a curt shake of her head. They listened to the faint tread of her feet on the stairs and, once they heard the bedroom door slam shut, Maggie fixed them with a look that left Ruby babbling excuses about unfinished chores outside. Three feet from escape, Maggie caught them by the shirt collar and stabbed her finger in the direction of their abandoned chair. 

“There’s nothing that needs doing more than we need to talk. There’s trouble in paradise, O’Malley, and pretending there isn’t is getting you nowhere. Or we could just play Find the Thimble and go on until the proverbial house burns down around your ears. It's your choice.”

Ruby slunk back to their chair. Why, they couldn’t really say. They owed their host courtesy and whatever work they could manage to repay her for keeping them in her home, but not to be ordered around like a naughty child. When the question had been survival and the answer to keep walking forward, Ruby had been certain of themselves. Now they had nothing but time to worry and no goal left to focus on. Maybe why that was why Ruby chose to sit down and look up at someone who was older and hopefully wiser. 

“Good. Now, do you know what's wrong? Have you asked?” Maggie’s eyes narrowed when they shook their head. It seemed like such an obvious thing when she said it. She raised her her arms up in the air, apparently pleading with a higher power for patience. Her prayers must not have been answered, because in the next moment she turned back to them and demanded, “Why in heaven’s name not? Sarah doesn't strike me as a woman who gives away much of anything that wasn't first pried out of her hands one finger at a time. What are you waiting for?”

All the reasons Ruby had thought of before had fled in the face of such bare logic. Lady Masque may have died out on the prairies, but Sapphire still rarely showed her true face without prompting. She was changing, growing, but ...had they somehow expected her to stop being herself? Had they expected her to start wanting and needing the same things they did? They’d dropped her on a farm in the middle of nowhere; a place she didn’t like and a life she didn’t have any idea how to be a part of. Movement caught their eye and Ruby saw Maggie was nodding. The harsh lines around her eyes and mouth softened with approval. They wondered, suddenly, if Sapphire would look like her one day. A stern, opinionated woman rubbed softer by time and… and love. The kind of gentle fondness they saw looking back at them. 

“From what little you’ve told me, the two of you have known each other less than a year and most of that time was spent travelling. You’ve been each other’s only source of help and company for long stretches of time and I’m going to guess you were a burr under her saddle the entire way here. You stuck close to her and pressed until she spoke to you. Now you’re letting her go off in her own directions and you’re not trying to follow her. You’re not asking how she feels or making yourself part of what she’s doing. Maybe you think you’re being kind or maybe you’re frightened of stirring up that fierce temper I saw when Fricot took after her, but I’ll tell you one thing I’ve learned from time and experience. Complacency and not speaking to each other will kill a relationship faster than anything else, O’Malley. The only thing worse is lying.”

Maggie’s chair creaked as she stood up and they almost asked her not to kneel down on the floor next to them. They’d seen her hands, how swollen her joints looked when her skirt swept high enough to show her ankles, and Ruby could only imagine that it hurt. But it was her choice and maybe they needed to stop making choices for other people, even if they only wanted to help. Maggie took their hands and the grip she held them with was very firm. And warm.

“I know you’re young and you’re not sure yet what you’re doing, so listen to Aunt Maggie now. Any relationship you have is going to be a lifelong commitment to working on it. That shouldn't make you feel discouraged or resigned. If you build a house, do you think that when the last bit of furniture is placed you can just sit back say everything is finished forever? No, you'd know you have to sweep the floors and repair the roof when it leaks. You wouldn't think twice about needing to put up shutters in bad weather and airing it out in spring. If a house, which has no heart to be broken, can fall apart from neglect, what kind of care and attention do you think building a relationship calls for?”

“Does that mean she doesn’t need time to herself? Or that I shouldn’t want time for myself, either?” They couldn’t help asking the question. It seemed hard to know when to push and when to step back, so was the answer to just never stop? Maggie’s immediate reaction was to clap a hand over her mouth and stifle her laugh into a snort.

“Dearest heaven, no! You’d fight like nothing you can imagine if you didn’t have a spare corner or thought to call your own. The problem is when you let silence fill up all the time between those moments alone. You’re not even speaking at meals and if you haven’t been telling each other good night or morning, then you’ve been missing some the most lovely, peaceful moments you could have together. I wouldn’t mind hearing a little talk around the house. Yes, and have some of it aimed my way too!”

Maggie was lonely. They’d seen it on the first day and meant to help, but they’d spent so much time fretting over Sapphire that they’d stopped speaking to her too. Ruby wanted to apologize, wanted to run upstairs and shake Sapphire out of bed, wanted to do a lot of things that they could barely think of beyond a need to try and fix what was breaking, but a hammering at the door stopped them cold. Maggie pushed down on their knees, trying to force herself get up, and she staggered to her feet. Shaking them off, she muttered to herself, “What is it now?” 

They hung back in the kitchen while Maggie answered the door. She threw the door open and they heard her demand what the knocker wanted. It had been on the edge of their mind to step outside and give her privacy, but the tone of her voice stopped them. She was very upset and arguing with the man at the door. Eavesdropping wasn’t nice, but Ruby crept into the parlor and stood out of sight beside the china cabinet. 

“I told you, I don’t need to hire help! I may be old, but I can still throw you over my knee and a break a switch over your backside if I have to! I’ve rented out my fields for the last few years and I let the local children pick my pears, but the day I need to hire someone to keep house or manage a few chickens and cows is the day I leave here go to my reward! I won’t have it, Paul, do you hear me? I won’t have it! I know that son of mine thinks I’m being irrational and that you all agree with him, but this is still my home!”

Ruby might have been torn with indecision, but the other person in the house was not. Sapphire swept down the stairs and they were struck, as usual, by the force of her personality. Plain clothes couldn’t disguise her beauty or the determination in her every step. In fact, as she closed in on the fight, Ruby thought of a little book they’d read as a schoolchild. A queen who had constantly made one demand: off with their heads. She went straight to Maggie’s side and tucked her arm through the older woman’s elbow. For someone who despised being touched, it was far more than the simple gesture it looked like. It revealed another thing too. By contrast to Sapphire’s steady strength, Ruby realized the older woman was shaking terribly.

“It’s kind of you to worry about Aunt Maggie like this, but it’s unnecessary. I’m Sarah O’Malley and it’s a pleasure to meet you, I’m sure.” Ruby couldn’t see her expression, but they could feel the ice beneath the surface of her courtesy so sharply that they were all over gooseflesh. “We were strangers in a strange land here but, through her generosity, my husband and I have a place to stay this winter. Any small tasks that Aunt Maggie doesn’t care to do herself will be done by us instead.”

Hearing her so easily use their last name made Ruby’s heart flutter, but what she’d said grounded them again. This was Maggie’s home and she shouldn’t be made to feel she couldn’t live in it on her own terms. Her pride was no less than Sapphire’s and it must have galled her to be harassed over needing people to take care of her. Someone like the two of them must have been what she’d wanted all along - not to need, but to be needed. Needed like the two of them needed each other. All the times they’d felt useless and unwanted boiled over and Ruby marched up behind the two woman. They nodded politely to the man on the porch, but their folded arms declared their stubborn refusal. They were staying the winter. 

The man on the porch seemed to be in his late thirties, if Ruby was a fair judge of age. His straw colored hair stuck out from his head in all directions as he raked his fingers through it. At first glance, he didn't seem to have an unkind face. He look from each person in the doorway to the next, the bridge of his nose and the broad plain of his forehead wrinkled with confusion. Then the ugliness came and Ruby marveled, unhappy and yet morbidly fascinated, to see how a single thought or feeling could transform a face. Suspicion. The man took a step back, even though he stood a head taller than any of them. As if he could be harmed by their existence being too near his own. 

“Are you sure this is what you want, Maggie? These sorts of… people… don’t belong here. You should send them on their way before someone notices who you’ve let in the door.” Ruby doubted Maggie appreciated being patronized. She wasn't a child and neither were her guests. They didn't miss the way he'd stopped looking at them and was speaking only to Maggie. Ruby deliberately shifted their feet to make a sound. The man flinched, but still refused to make eye contact. He was starting to wilt under Maggie’s stare and he added half-heartedly, “It’s not even kind to them - they would be more comfortable among their own people.”

“I’m ashamed to know you in this moment, Paul. I knew your parents; they were good people who knew it wasn’t their place to judge anyone. I want you off my land now - you can come back when you remember the parable of the Good Samaritan and the Teacher of the Law.” 

With that, Maggie closed the door in his face. The tromp of heavy work boots leaving the porch suggested the battle was over, at least for the time being, but Ruby was beginning to feel uneasy. It was one thing to say they weren’t leaving to one man, but if it was going to change the community’s feelings towards Maggie then Ruby wasn’t sure they had the right to do that to her. Even if it was what the stubborn old lady wanted. Their feelings must have shown on their face, because Maggie grabbed them by the ear and gave them a little shake.

“Enough. I’m old and one of the privileges of old age is that people must be respectful of your eccentricities.” She tweaked their ear again and smiled grimly. “Having the last word is another.” 

“As you said, Aunt Maggie. It’s your home and your life. I completely respect that. This one, however, is mine.” Sapphire stepped smoothly between the two of them and freed their ear, much to Ruby’s relief. She turned to them briefly and the tiny smile they saw held all the affection Ruby had been missing. Her fingers brushed the backs of their knuckles and they didn't think twice about taking her hand. It was apparently what she wanted, because Sapphire nodded to herself and faced Maggie again. 

“There’s something I need to tell both of you. I was upstairs trying to decide what I wanted to say when I heard the commotion down here and, to be perfectly honest, it clarified everything for me. I’ve wasted this week feeling that I’ve been pressured into a situation that was beneath me. I wasn’t forced here and I’ve been welcomed beyond what a stranger could expect, so the only thing beneath me has been my own inexcusable behavior.”

There were a lot of thing Maggie could have said, things that would have humiliated Sapphire, things that would have turned her sincere repentance into festering outrage. Instead, the older woman grinned and waved it all away. 

“I forgive you, dear. I doubt Fricot ever will, I’m sorry to say. Now that the dramatics are over, would you like to help me with dinner?”

“I expect to be bad at it and Robbie is witness to the fact that I once almost poisoned myself, but I’m willing to try it if you are.”


	6. What Sins Can I Atone For With A Sacrificial Chicken?

Sapphire tied her bonnet in place and went out to milk the cows before dawn. Letting her guests sleep in had been a courtesy on the first morning, but after that Maggie had made it clear that those who intended to live on a farm needed to keep a farmer’s hours too. To say she'd resented getting up so early was a gross understatement, but Maggie had a steaming pot of coffee ready when she came back inside. It didn't taste right without chicory in it, but Sapphire wasn't going to complain. In fact, she was still feeling a little stunned by how much a few words the night before had changed her morning now.

Maggie had started the conversation while making dinner. Sapphire was perfectly capable of cleaning and chopping vegetables, which she found infinitely better than slaving over a frying pan in any case. She’d told Maggie that more bluntly than was polite, but the older woman had just laughed and told her that’s what a family did: they divided chores up depending first on ability and then, if possible, by preference. It was no different than when they'd decided Sapphire had best leave the chickens alone and milk the cows instead. Sapphire wondered aloud what could be done about things she loathed, like getting up early. Maggie had shrugged and said that part wasn't going to change, but asked if she could do anything to improve Sapphire’s mornings.

So Sapphire poured scalded milk into the coffee she’d told Maggie she needed to wake up and sat down to breakfast. She wasn’t in the mood to talk that early in the day and, somehow, by explaining that the tension of previous mornings had vanished. Maggie and Ruby gossiped companionably around her, making a pleasant background hum. If she chose to add a word or two at times, it was welcomed, but Sapphire found she didn't need to speak to be a part of the contentment.

That is, she was content until she realized Maggie wanted to go to Sunday worship service as soon as breakfast was over and they assumed she wanted to go too. In her life, Sapphire had known poverty in which it would have been pointless to ask for what she wanted and wealth to the extent that everything she might have wanted was laid at her feet. Then she'd lived for long, terrible taking whatever she wanted. Asking had never been part of her life, but it that was to be the new order of her world then she wouldn't be shy about it. Ruby was quick to agree to speak to her upstairs. She wasn't ashamed of what she had to say, but Sapphire dimly recalled that her parents had never argued in public and she chose to follow the only example she knew.

When they'd retreated to their bedroom and shut the door behind them, Sapphire took a moment to study Ruby. The dark circles beneath their eyes and the bruises had almost faded away, but she’d expected that much. Time, sleep, and good food would heal the body. Ruby was bouncing on the edge of the mattress, fidgeting because she wasn’t speaking, but there was no fear shadowing the soft brown of Ruby’s eyes. For that alone, Sapphire would have stayed on the farm for the rest of her life.

They slept so deeply that she didn’t know if they remembered the nightmares, but she was still woken up nightly to their whimpers. She’d smooth the sweaty curls from their cheeks and whisper whatever nonsense came to her lips, anything as long as it was gentle and they heard her voice. Slowly the shivering would still and she would pull the limp warmth of Ruby into her arms. They never seemed to wake all the way, but they would murmur her name, Sapphire, the name she’d allowed them to give her, and curl closer. Long into the night she would lay wrapped in the soft darkness and her Ruby, thinking of the way their voice sounded when they said that single, sleepy word. And how it made her feel.

Ruby cleared their throat loudly and brought her out of her wit wanderings. Now the bouncing was becoming agitated. As much as she had grown to appreciate how infectious Ruby’s moods could be, she could live without sharing that particular feeling. Sapphire glared until they sat still, clasping their hands in their lap and speaking hesitantly. “Sapphire? Sorry, was there something you wanted to tell me? I’m asking because it’s been a long time since I harnessed a horse to pull a wagon and it’s going to take me a little time to get everything ready to leave. I’ll have to adjust the fit of the harness for Garnet too.”

Sapphire took a few deep breaths before answering, taking her time to find the words and the tone that were right for this. Ruby didn’t mean any harm and they had no way of knowing how complicated her feelings on religion were, so she didn’t want to stir up a fight where a simple explanation was needed. They’d lost too much time in the past doing that already. Then it hit her that the real question wasn’t one of religion, not exactly, so she asked, “Was there some reason you didn’t ask before volunteering me to go spend my Sunday in a church?”

“Oh… I... I'm sorry, I guess you're a Catholic, right?” The innocent confusion on their face simultaneously made her want to be reassuring and shake them. Ruby seemed to consider for a moment before asking yet another wrong question. “Are you uncomfortable with a different denomination?”

“No. I mean, yes, I'm Catholic. I was Catholic… no, I was raised Catholic but now I'm … that's not my point!” Sapphire buried her face in her hands and tried to focus on breathing. In, out, deep level breaths. Ruby wisely stayed silent as she struggled internally. She’d rather not dwell on what she did or didn’t believe. That was nothing to her but a tangle of old habits and resentment and a confusing mixture of half-hearted hope and fear. One thing she did know was, from everything she’d learned as a child, an unrepentant murderer did not belong in a church. Sapphire was being too honest with herself to try and say regretting what her actions had done to her life was the same as feeling remorse for killing. But she didn’t want to say any of that and she didn’t want to yell at Ruby, but she couldn’t help the volume or the sharpness of her voice. “You should have asked me if I wanted to go! I don't! I won’t! Why do you want to go?!”

“Why wouldn't I? I miss being able to regularly attend services and the music always leaves me feeling happier.” Ruby had jumped to their feet when she’d begun yelling, both hands held out and patting the air as if they wanted to pacify her and didn’t know how. It just made her temper flare higher. She was not being unreasonable! The glare she leveled at them should have made Ruby keep their distance, but they persisted in coming closer and taking her hand. She withheld judgement, allowing them to squeeze her fingers and take her other hand, until they spoke again. “I have a lot to be grateful for!”

“For what?” A quick twist and Sapphire was able to snatch her hands away. For the first time in weeks, she felt all the old anger and resentment towards Ruby’s seeming nativity. The hateful words burned in her mouth and fell from her lips like venom. “Where was God when I almost died out in the middle of nowhere. You almost died too, in case you’ve forgotten. Have you forgotten the suffering? The bandits that ...that..”

Pain, raw and vulnerable, stared back and her and horror at what she’d begun to say choked off any further words or anger. In her limited assortment of beliefs, Sapphire believed that Ruby was someone worth anything to protect, yet she was the one hurting them. She'd been hurting them since the two had met. Saving them once wasn't enough to outweigh the rest. What was she even doing here, pretending she could live a normal, quiet life and thinking someone like her could be part of the simple happiness she'd found in Ruby? The four walls of the room seemed suddenly much too close, her clothing too tight, trapping her in a place she didn't belong and trying to make her into a person she couldn't be.

Sapphire swayed in place and locked her knees. She wasn't going to fall, not now, not ever, not again. Then Ruby was holding her hands again and the landslide of doubt paused. She wrenched her mind back into focus and looked at the human being anchoring her in place. There was still pain, but there was something else too. Something that made her heart clench in a way that was both painful and precious to her.

“I haven’t forgotten anything that happened, Sapphire, but I guess I see it differently. You were thrown from a galloping horse, stumbled off a cliff, and fell through a floor into a stone cellar... but you’re still alive. You didn’t starve to death or die from exposure to the weather. You single-handedly saved me from three armed bandits and we’re safe now. You met someone that, under any other circumstance, you’d have killed without a second thought and continued on until the life you’d chosen finished rotting you from the inside out. Any one of those things is, to me, nothing short of a miracle. It was terrible and frightening and I pray to never know that kind of suffering again, but I can't regret what came out of that experience.”

Ruby held their arms out to her and slowly, step by step, Sapphire walked into them. She was held carefully around the shoulders, as if she was a woman made of glass instead of steel, and their hands never touched anywhere else on her body. She’d gotten so used to doing this when Ruby was asleep, but somehow this felt different. Sapphire turned her face into Ruby’s neck and made a choice. Ruby froze when her arms came up around their neck, but they had always been a person of action over words. If they had to speak of beliefs, then she believed Ruby understood what she was telling them now.

“Even now, I believe we’re in the right place at the right time. You and I are where we’re supposed to be and we’ll end up where we are meant to be too.” Ruby was whispering in her ear now, sending not-entirely unpleasant shivers down her spine. “I’m not saying that I believe some higher power decided we needed to suffer or that the plans we make now aren’t our own. That’s not it at all. I have faith that everything will be good in the end, even if the road getting there was hard. I’m very sorry I didn’t ask what you wanted or how you felt. Can I ask you now? Do you want to stay here? Will you feel left out if I go with Maggie? If it will, we can drop her off in town and find something else that we can to do together.”

She didn't answer immediately, taking the time to enjoy the weight of Ruby’s arms and warmth between them. It didn't mean she agreed or that she wanted to go with them any more than she had before, but she took their words and stored them away. Just as she did with the sound of them speaking her name in the night, Sapphire would ponder over the wonder and mystery of them in the silence of her own heart.

“I wouldn’t mind having some time to myself.”

Sapphire was the one who sat on the edge of the bed now and Ruby bounced down beside her. They tilted their head and bent forward until they could look up into her face. She smiled in response, but Ruby still asked, “Are you sure?"

Was she? She’d lived her entire life without them, but being apart felt unnatural after everything they’d been through. Still, just yesterday Maggie had cornered her while setting dough to rise and given Sapphire an earful about the difference between avoiding someone and spending a healthy amount of time apart on their own personal activities. If this was important to Ruby, then they needed to go and she could find her own Sunday routine.

“I’m certain. If you want to make it up to me, come home and we’ll find something to do together this evening.”

The relief on Ruby’s face made her doubly glad she chose to let them go. If she hadn't, Ruby would have stayed and Sapphire doubted they would have deliberately made her feel guilty, but they wouldn't have been happy. She would have felt guilty knowing they weren't happy and probably would have resented them for making her feel that way. With the best of intentions and through no fault of either of them, they'd have been miserable. God, she needed a nap. Having people in her life was too complicated.

She was trying to do exactly that when she heard a knock at the door. When she called out that whoever it was should either come in or, preferably, let her sleep, Maggie stepped inside. She stayed near the door and waited politely for Sapphire to sit up, before speaking. “Dear? Robbie said you wouldn’t be coming, so I wanted to let you know there is bread and cold cuts for you to make a sandwich for lunch. There’s also fresh milk, a jar of pear and blackberry preserves, and a slice of chess pie you could finish off if you’re minded to.”

“Thank you, Maggie.” All the tension that had sprung up when Sapphire had seen the older woman standing in the doorway relaxed. She’d been prepared to defend her choices against harsh criticism and, finding nothing but acceptance, Sapphire nearly sagged back down onto the mattress in relief. It made no sense, but she was beginning to accept that a life of nonsense could be a good thing. Still, she felt a need to point out one thing to Maggie. “This home belongs to you - knocking isn’t necessary.”

“Yes, I do need to knock. The house is mine, but I've given you the room for the winter. I would no more walk into your room uninvited than I expect you would barge into mine without permission. Now, listen, you’ve given me a good idea. There's another bedroom and a storage room up here. While we’re gone, you might look through them and see if you find anything that would make your room feel more like home. Think about it.”

After Maggie left, her attempt to go back to sleep failed miserably. Out of pure stubbornness, Sapphire stayed in bed long after she heard the wagon leave. The sun was steaming through the window; warm, cheerful, and entirely too bright through her closed eyelids. The delicate lace curtains were both lovely and next to useless at blocking light, which Sapphire suspected was deliberate. What she knew about farms could fit into a thimble with room to spare, but laying in bed all day was probably not encouraged.

Maggie’s suggestion continued to nag at her and Sapphire rolled over onto her side to better study the room. Pale flowers of pink and blue covered the wallpaper, feminine but not obnoxiously so. She decided she liked it and there was nothing to complain about in the furniture. She’s had fancier, but she’d had far worse and much less too. Her childhood was too long ago and the steamship had given her limited space to call her own. The succession of hotels she’d lived in for the last decade had been nothing but temporary shelters. Home was not a concept she felt familiar enough with to make one for herself.

  
Still, what else was there to do? If she was going to learn, doing it alone would be the least embarrassing option. Her bonnet hung from the bedpost in a way that only Ruby would have thought was tidy and she paused on her way past to look at the distasteful thing. She knew Ruby thought Maggie had talked her into the hat, but it was the reflection in her mirror and her mother's voice reaching out from the past, soft as it had always been and just as relentless, that drove her to it. Sapphire rubbed at the skin on the back of her hand, but it was no more use than a child rubbing at clothes they'd gotten dirty.

She’d hated the young man on the porch. Sapphire’s fingers twisted into the pink material like it was the soft skin of his throat. She hated being stared at like she was something less than human. Less than him. Less than any of them. Three minutes without air and you’d see all of mankind was indeed created equal. She hated him, but she also hated that soft, worried little voice telling her to be a good girl and cover up. Ladies wore hats and stayed out of the sun. Didn’t she feel pretty with her gloves and her little parasol, just like a real lady.

The mirror hung across the room from the bed, but Sapphire could still see her face. Of course, if her mother had known those delicate little hands she’d always kept covered with gloves would one day be stained red, her mother might not have worried as much about other colors. But there had been no intended cruelty in what her mother had done. People judged you on how you looked and there was nothing more to it. Her mother’s children had always been clean and dressed in the very best clothes they could afford on an accountant’s salary. Her mother had mended clothes beautifully, a skill that had earned extra money whenever possible. If you cut down a dress from cast-offs, sewing in panels of other colors and adding lace or ribbons to cover worn places, you ended up with something fashionable and new looking. She’d worked so hard and meant so well. Both her parents had.

It was hard to smooth out the wrinkles she’d made in the pink fabric, but Sapphire still made an effort to fix it. She’d tried to fix a lot of things when she was young, but nothing had ever been the same again. After she’d been hired, her visits home had been few and far between. It hadn’t needed to be that way, but she’d been so busy and going home had quickly become an awkward nightmare of contrasts. Her family had said nothing and neither had she, but her expensive jewelry and store bought gowns were merely the obvious differences. She no longer pronounced English as they did and once, only once, she had lapsed into the Parisian French that her governess was teaching her, instead of the Cajun French of her family. The long silence had been more damning than being thrown out.

In the end, when she realized that the youngest children didn’t know who she was and that her parents could think of nothing beyond their gratitude that she was well, Sapphire stopped going back to the place that would never be home again. The steamboat owner had compensated them for the loss of her hands which, though young and small, had been able to wash clothes and do an assortment of other tasks. In later years, as an accountant herself, she’d seen the records of what had been paid for her. Her life had been given a price and Sapphire knew it down to the penny. It had grown too; she’d had bank accounts and personal spending money that her family wouldn’t have seen in a lifetime of work.

All of that and it came down to this. A little farmhouse in the middle of nowhere, a bit of money in her pocket, and a ignorant bumpkin looking down his nose at her because she’d failed to keep the sun off her skin enough to pass as white. A life of mediocrity. She tossed the hat on the bed and, in turning her face from the mirror, a flash of vivid red caught her eye. Ruby’s handkerchief was on the nightstand. The brightness of it against the modest wallpaper and the sterile white of the bedsheets reminded Sapphire of exactly what she needed.

  
Her search lead first to the second bedroom and, finding nothing useful, Sapphire threw herself into the storage room with a will. A box of colorful silk flowers was her first find. Next, a veritable rainbow of quilts was unearthed and Sapphire gathered together the most colorful in a pile. The smug, knowing smile of a porcelain cat drew her and she added that carefully to her collection. There were even a few paintings, safely wrapped in oilcloth and tucked away between boxes. One depicted a family of robins perching on and around a fencepost. It wasn’t done by the most masterful hand she’d ever seen, but it captured the heart and movement of the lively little creatures in a way that made her smile. It also joined the growing pile.

Lunch came and went; the pie and preserves vanished with the meal and Sapphire went back to decorating in a better mood than she’d known in a long time. She’d found a hammer and nails, so the picture now hung over the bed. The cat mocked anyone who approached the washstand and she’d tucked silk flowers anywhere she could find. It was too hard to choose between the quilts, so she piled them all on the bed and, in that colorful nest, fell deeply asleep.

Ruby was there when her eyes opened again, leaning against the headboard and looking down at her. Sleep still held her in a gentle grip, filling her with a kind of peace she didn’t normally allow herself. In it, she could admire the ruddy glow of the sun caught in their curls and answer the warmth of their smile with her own. If this was mediocrity, it didn’t hurt as much as she thought it would have. Ruby’s hand curled around her own and she closed her eyes, half tempted to let sleep claim her again. Perhaps they’d join her.

  
But they tugged and Sapphire let them lead her downstairs. There was complaining, but she meant it playfully and Ruby met it in the same spirit. The words didn’t matter as much as the amiable push and pull between them, so comfortingly familiar and yet a such a change from the hostility that it had grown from. Maggie was in the kitchen and Ruby lost no time in singing the praises of her redecoration skills. It was excessive and unnecessary, but it brought warmth to her face and Maggie seemed just as pleased to have had her advice taken.

“Oh, Sarah? Dear? I have a favor to ask and I don’t think you’ll find this chore too troublesome. I’m going to make the best fried chicken you’ve ever tasted, but that means I need a chicken. If you could bring me one? Not Fricot, but one of the young roosters. They’re getting too old to keep and he won’t tolerate adult competition for long.”

“Maggie, it would be my pleasure.”


	7. Sometimes Relationships Go Through Difficult Periods

It was, Ruby felt, terribly unfair that someone with no intention of physically having children was forced to go through a monthly cycle for it. They stifled a groan of mingled pain and frustration. They’d been telling their body that since reaching puberty with no real success, unless it was that the bleeding only lasted around three days. Ruby knew it could be longer, but it was hard to feel grateful when the smell of food was unbearably nauseating during those three days. Going down to breakfast and smelling the frying bacon fat had almost left them retching. 

They’d known that morning that it was coming. The tight, sleeveless undershirt that kept their chest bound was normally comfortable, but their breasts had felt swollen and sore even before the material crushed them flat.Their pa would have scolded them for profanity, but Ruby grumbled curses against the world and fate and everything else that had a hand in them being born with body parts that didn’t suit them. After a few minutes, Ruby gave up on massaging them and trying to shift things around. It was pointless and they needed to find some old rags to keep the coming blood flow from staining their pants. 

Of the many things Maggie wanted finished before the snows came, mending the fences for the chickenyard and the kitchen garden had to come first. They couldn’t dig holes for posts in once the ground was frozen, not easily in any case, so pounding them into place now was both necessary and a great excuse to work out their frustration. It would have been more satisfying if their lower back wasn’t aching. Whether it was cramps or the physical labor, Ruby didn’t know or care. It was all unfair. The hammer hit the nail hard enough to dent the wood around it, but Ruby saw no harm in taking their mood out on something with no feelings of its own. One last nail and the board was in place between the posts. The chickens had decided earlier that morning that the noise would bring neither food or foe and had ignored them ever since. 

Animals that lived in groups went into heat together, so it didn’t surprise Ruby that Sapphire had begun menstruating too. She seemed to be having an easier time of it, though when they’d foolishly pointed that out, Sapphire had snapped back that she deserved to have something in her life that was easy. She also told them it would last several days. Ruby decided the wisest thing was to let her drink her coffee in peace and be grateful the timing meant they could slip the bloodstained rags in with hers to wash. Maggie had been kind so far, but they didn’t want to go through the awkwardness of explaining they’d been born with a woman’s body while that body was currently making them so miserable. 

Ruby dropped to the ground and leaned back against the newly finished portion of fence. Pulling their knees up to their chest and rolling their shoulders forward helped. A little. Memories of the dugout rose unasked for and unwanted. There had been a moment when they realized they hadn’t bled in a very long time. They had knelt in that lonely field and dug their fingers into the dirt like there was nothing else left to hold onto. What had seemed like a mercy as they struggled across the prairie was finally seen for what it was - a sign that they stood in the shadow of death. The food and shelter they’d found wasn’t going to be enough.

But then Sapphire had come running home, her face ashen and terror in hers eyes, and Ruby had pushed those thoughts aside. They hadn’t given much credit to her fears of other people lurking nearby, but it had added to the sense that it was time to leave. The next morning they had taken the old trail and followed it as far as it would take them. They were still wondering, in fear and in hope, where the road would lead them next. Having Sapphire walking it with them was the special kind of fear that preachers spoke about. A feeling that was about awe and trembling and reverence and possibilities a little too big and beyond them to fully understand yet. But it was good and that’s what Ruby put their faith in. 

“You did a fine job on the fence. Is it dead yet?”

Speak of the devil. Ruby looked up, already knowing what they’d see: Sapphire crouched down in front of them, a crooked grin on her face and an arched eyebrow that spoke of mockery and a fondness in her eyes that softened it all to something warm and familiar. Maybe it was because their thoughts had been so wrapped up in the process of childbirth and their own feelings on what they wanted from their body, maybe they really were a little too fast to say what they thought before considering how it might sound, but either way they asked, “Sapphire? Have you ever considered having children?” 

Never had a smile so quickly and thoroughly vanished. Sapphire’s expression froze into the stiff, neutral look that Ruby thought of as her mask. She tilted her head to the side as she stared them down and said, “Have you ever considered becoming an ass? You bray like one.”

They flinched and, as if that sign of weakness brought out the predator in her, Sapphire closed in for the kill. She leaned in until her shadow covered them and her body blocked out the fading warmth of the setting sun. Still no trace of human feeling touched her face, but the barely controlled outrage in her voice raised the hair on the back of their neck and arms. “I have never and will never willingly submit myself to the only situation that could lead to pregnancy. Never.”

Sapphire jumped to her feet and Ruby tried to scrambled up after her, only to be shoved back to the ground. Hard. By the time they were able to pull themselves up using the fence post, she’d stormed into the barn and slammed the door violently enough to make it rattle. Ruby threw it open again and looked around frantically. The cows were lowing fretfully and Garnet was pacing the length of her stall, tossing her head up every time a wall barred her path and retracing her steps in the other direction. She whinnied at them and Ruby felt forced to go to the mare and stroke her neck. They crooned softly to her until she steadied and they could look past her to Sass. The mule never glanced in their direction. Instead, she focused all her attention on the ladder leading to the hayloft. A board creaked overhead.

They were climbing the ladder in the next moment, but Ruby found themselves hesitating at the top. Instinct proved right when a thrown bucket narrowly missed their head. Deep shadows filled the area and Sapphire’s voice seemed to come from everywhere as she hissed at them to go away. Fearing a fall from the ladder more than a brawl with the furious woman, Ruby crawled on their stomach until they reached the window on the back wall. Slivers of light showing around the edges guided their hands until they found the latch and pushed open the wooden shutters. 

“That you could even ask me that question is beyond belief.” 

Her voice broke on the last word and Ruby felt as if their heart broke with it. The setting sun did very little to light the interior of the hayloft, but they could see where she sat in a loose pile of hay. Her face was turned away from them and their heart sank even further at the dull gleam of metal in her hands. For the first time since they had left the prairie, Sapphire’s knife was out of its sheath. 

“Sapphire, please listen to me. Please. I swear to God that I didn’t mean it like you think -”

“Enough.” 

Ruby didn’t dare argue with that demand. A flick of her wrist send the knife into the air and she caught it by the blade on the downward arc. Again it was tossed skyward and a shiver of fear ran down their spine. Not for their own safety, but because it felt like this kind of game was Sapphire daring fate to turn against her. One slip, one missed catch, and the blood would begin to flow. Even as they thought it, Sapphire fumbled the catch and Ruby heard her gasp. The knife hit the straw and she was too busy clutching her hand to reach for it. 

“Once, I thought I might have gotten pregnant,” she said quietly. That unnatural calmness was in Sapphire’s voice again. It disturbed Ruby far more than yelling would have, because they could only guess at what was hidden beneath it. In the same casual, even tone, she continued, “I was terrified and went to a local apothecary for anything I could do to make sure that didn’t happen. I didn’t need to say much past the fact that I was unmarried and the bruises on my face said the rest. The look of pity and...and revulsion in that man’s face almost made me wish I’d died. When I took whatever he gave me, I almost did.”

She didn’t react when Ruby took a small step in her direction. Moving slowly, cautiously, as though they were approaching a wild animal, Ruby edged closer until they could kneel beside her. Sapphire spread her hands palms up, never taking her eyes off the dark stain smeared across them. It was probably a small cut, or so Ruby prayed it was, but the blood ran down between her open fingers and fell onto the straw. 

“The blood was everywhere and… I … I could hear it dripping on the floor.” 

This close, they could see the trembling and hear the faint click of her teeth as whatever memory she was seeing rattled Sapphire to her very core. The rise and fall of her chest was too fast, her breathe coming in strained gasps. This was the woman they’d met in a time so distant from what they now lived in that it felt like another lifetime; a blindly thrashing woman that had once laid in the dust beneath them and wailed for the agony and terror to end. Ruby, in all their well meaning foolishness, had thought they’d helped her do that. 

But their own nightmares hadn’t stopped. Their fear of being surrounded by hostile people still choked them into silence. Going to Sunday service had not gone as well as they let Sapphire believe. Not all, but many had made plain their presence was unwanted. Maggie had wrapped an arm around their shoulders, a thin shield against the disapproving looks, and sat beside them in an empty pew. The pastor had been forced to slap the pulpit and call the congregation to pay attention. He’d launched into a fiery sermon on the wickedness of those who had no compassion and Jesus’s admonitions against humans who thought they had a right to judge one another. 

It had probably been meant kindly, as kindly as anything Ruby had ever done by mistake for Sapphire, but grown men and women did not take well to scoldings. Some looked mortified, but Ruby saw one too many stiffen in their seats and their resentment was like the heat of an open furnace. There would have been a time when Ruby rose to the challenge and sought out the faces that were sympathetic and curious, but this new Ruby felt too weak to do much beyond shake the pastor’s hand and nod to the man’s wife. Maggie had taken them by the elbow and had spoken with forced brightness about chicken dinners as they’d driven home. 

The sight of Sapphire’s peaceful, contented face as she lay curled up in a heap of quilts had given them the strength to breathe again. She’d clearly tried her hand at decorating, and that was so unlike the old Sapphire and so much like the woman they were coming to care so deeply for. Sitting beside her until she’d woken up and returning her drowsy smile had been the most natural thing in the world. Ruby had never considered her becoming pregnant. That would have meant she was with someone else. But this was not the moment to say that to her. There might never be a moment to say it to her or when that was something she wanted to hear from them, but now was definitely not it. They could still tell her the truth. Just...not all of it.

“I’ve… often thought one day I might adopt children. Children like myself. That’s all I was asking you… if you might ever… want to have a child in your life.”

Sapphire grew very still and closed her eyes. Her entire body shuddered with the first breath she took, but her posture slowly began to relax. Her hand closed around their still stinging knuckles and the blood was a sickly warmth trickling down their wrist, but they took her hand eagerly in spite of it. Sapphire’s trust was too fragile and her willingness to be vulnerable too rare for Ruby to hesitate. They weren’t sure where they found the nerve to do it, except that they were always doing impulsive things, but Sapphire didn’t stop them from bringing her hand up to their cheek. Her thumb stroked their face gently, surprisingly cold against their skin.

“I see. Ruby, can you imagine someone like me, even if I tried to be something I’m not and wanted to do well by a child, as a good parent? Because I don't. I don't want the responsibility of having to take care of something that is completely dependent on me for everything. I'm not that generous or that patient. Children deserve better than what little I have to offer, and I have no desire to bear any burdens beyond what I already have."

Her hand fell away from their face as she stood up, but Sapphire continued holding it out until Ruby let her help them up. They’d forgotten about the knife laying discarded in the straw, but Sapphire would likely never be unaware of it. Ruby accepted that and urged her to let them carry her on their back down the ladder. Then she wouldn’t have to put the knife down or put it back in the sheath bloody. Sapphire liked the idea of cleaning the sheath less than the embarrassment of needing their help, so Ruby struggled down the ladder and thought about anything but the feeling of her legs around their hips and her arms around their neck. The flat side of the knife in her fist was pressed tightly against their chest, an unintended reminder from Sapphire in case they were tempted to forget her feelings. 

In the growing twilight, they stood together in front of the water pump and helped each other wash the blood away. No moment, either great or terrible, could be held onto forever, and Ruby accepted that too: both the blood and the touch of Sapphire’s hand as she wiped the blood off their cheek. It might have been nice to be one of those deep thinkers who could have put their philosophy into more poetic words, but Ruby would rather lean into Sapphire’s hand and live in the moment. A moment, they noticed, where Sapphire pressed closer instead of pulling away.

Maggie was waiting at the kitchen door by the time they walked arm in arm onto the porch. The cut, which turned out to be small, was immediately fussed over and explained away as an accident with a loose nail. Dinner was already on the table and, with one sniff, Ruby’s stomach heaved. Life went on and so did the regular rhythms of their body. Sadly. Sapphire asked for peppermint tea for a stomach ache she didn’t have and Ruby accepted her wordless apology with the cup. That she took the time to think of their comfort and problems meant more than any single fight or misunderstanding.


	8. Birds of a Feather

Ruby was straining to move the china cabinet when a little grey hen strutted across the living room. Maggie halted in mid-sentence, completely distracted from the difficult choice of three inches to the left or the right. The chicken seemed no less surprised to find itself inside, crouching low to the floor and looking around with quick little darts of its head. There was a flurry of movement and two more brown hens barreled into the first, only to be driven back by a furious outburst of pecking and buffeting wings. Satisfied that its feelings had been expressed and the offenders were cowering at its feet, the grey hen clucked a question at its human audience. 

Before Ruby could tell the hen that its guess was as good as their own, a voice of doom shrieked in broken English from outside. Like any sensible creature, the chickens scattered and ran for cover, leaving feathers and dirty little claw marks behind them. Ruby stayed out of sight on the far side of the cabinet. Maggie, on the other hand, threw out an arm and neatly caught Sapphire around the waist as she charged through the doorway.

“Sarah! You will _not_ track any more dirt into my house!” 

Sapphire glared and Maggie met it with a steady, deeply unimpressed stare. Even without it being directed at them, Ruby slunk further behind the cabinet. The younger woman tugged sideways and Maggie’s other hand came up to grasp Sapphire by the back of her dress. As if sharing the same thought, they both looked down at the floor and the mud on Sapphire’s boots. After a few tense moments, Maggie looked over Sapphire’s shoulder at the line of boot prints trailing from the kitchen door and Sapphire looked away. Still moving together, perfectly silent all the while, Maggie let go and both women straightened up, smoothing down their clothes and hair until no signs of their brief scuffle remained. 

“I won’t tolerate running or yelling in the house. You’re going to break something and nothing in its right mind would let you catch it when you're carrying on like this. Even your husband is hiding.” Maggie spoke calmly and reasonably, completely as if she hadn’t just collared Sapphire like a naughty child. She looked around, beginning to frown again, and spotted them. “And you, Robbie! Come out from behind there. Honestly, is that any way to act? I’d like to have an explanation now. I know I left the kitchen door open to let some air into the house, but would you like to share anything about how the chickens got loose?”

If she’d been younger, Sapphire might have scuffed her feet. As an adult, she still seemed oddly childish when she folded her arms and resisted answering the question. Ruby would have crossed the room to take her arm, but a small movement caught their attention. Out of Sapphire’s line of sight, Maggie was subtly waving them away. 

The more Ruby knew about this strange, contradictory person they’d asked to share the same path as their own, the more the mask of a mature and regal woman fell alway. The daydreams they’d had out on the prairie, visions of a spoiled little girl having tantrums and finally learning the basics of how to play nice, were also part of the complicated truth that was Sapphire. Ruby could never play the role of parent to her, so they nodded to Maggie and held back. 

“I wanted to prove I could get the eggs too and I must have left the gate open.”

They’d have accepted that answer. It made sense and Sapphire hadn’t meant to cause a problem, but Maggie was shaking her head and looking even less pleased than before. Once more Ruby moved to take a place at Sapphire’s side and Maggie motioned them to stop. Instead, she was the one who took Sapphire by the shoulders. Sapphire was not the sort to tolerate anything she didn’t want - neither for love or respect. She didn’t look happy, but the younger woman made no attempt to throw off Maggie’s hands. 

“I wish I could say that was a good motive that lead to a bad outcome, but that’s pure wounded pride talking, Sarah. God knows I understand being frustrated when you can’t do something, but when we try to do it anyway things like this happen ...at best. At the worst, it’s a disaster and I’d rather not see that happen.” 

“In your house.”

The image of a sullen little girl became stronger and Ruby could almost see the shadow of the child Sapphire must have been. It was a silly thought, but they wondered if the children they’d once been would have been friends or if they’d have taken one look at that stubbornly raised little chin and the disagreeable pout and pushed her into a horse trough to teach her a lesson about putting on airs. Maggie did the next best thing by swatting her on the rear. 

Sapphire jerked away and Ruby felt a flash of alarm so intense it almost made them dizzy. Nothing. The younger woman had reflexively reached for her knife, but then changed directions to cover herself against further attack. The only thing she directed at Maggie was a reproachful look, which was ignored. 

“No, dear. _To you_. I don’t want anything unfortunate to happen to _you_. Now, help me clean up this mess while Robbie catches the chickens. But, before you do that, take off those boots and hand them over. I’ll put them on on the porch and deal with them in a bit.”

It was the kindness that stopped her, Ruby realized as Sapphire joined Maggie in a laugh at her own expense. It was hesitant and it didn’t last long, but that rueful little smile on Sapphire’s lips looked sincere. It was like a lit candle in a room that had been in darkness too long. Everything they’d been stumbling over was so clear that they felt foolish to have not seen it before. Sapphire anticipated and knew how she wanted to react to everything except kindness. That simple thing came as such a surprise that Sapphire didn’t know what to do with it or herself. 

Protectiveness, deep and desperate, made Ruby holding out their arms to her and Sapphire, after an uncertain pause, stepped into them. Maggie followed, laying a hand on each of their shoulders. She looked as severe and practical as when they’d first knocked on her door, but Ruby saw the little twitch at the corners of her mouth when she said, “As dear as you two are together, I must insist you help make this house look like you didn’t herd a flock of chickens through it. Because you did.” 

Catching the runaways was easier than they’d feared. While Sapphire was scrubbing the floor under Maggie’s watchful eye, Ruby was able to catch the two brown hens and carry them outside. Fricot greeted them at the gate to his territory. He squawked his disapproval at the everyone in general and the chickens struggled out of Ruby’s arms to rejoin a very chastened looking group of their sisters. A quick headcount and a look around let them know only the small grey adventurer was missing. 

“Did you round up the ones that stayed outside?” Ruby wasn’t sure why they were talking to the rooster perching on the fence post, except that he looked as if he expected it. With great dignity, Fricot allowed them to scratch his neck feathers before returning his attention to the chickenyard. In the end, they wished they’d taken Fricot along, because they searched the house from cellar to attic and the last hen was nowhere to be found. It was frustrating, but watching Sapphire pad around in her stockinged feet somehow made it worth it. 

Maggie caught them looking and they blushed at her knowing little smile. What she thought wasn’t the truth, but that didn’t make the assumption less embarrassing. It only got worse when she leaned closer and whispered in their ear, “She’s your wife. It’s not a crime to look at her feet. They’re small and her stockings are pretty, aren’t they? Thirty was a wonderful age for me too, but you’re younger than her, aren’t you?” 

That was probably true, but Ruby was shocked to realize they’d never thought to ask Sapphire’s age. And if she'd thought to ask theirs, Ruby couldn't have answered. They only knew the year and they'd chosen the day they were adopted as their birthday. Before they could start thinking of all the other details they didn’t know, Maggie whispered, “We can talk about this after supper. Don’t be afraid of what you don’t know, dear. All will be right in the end, except for supper, if we don’t make it soon.”

It was one of their worst faults, Ruby knew, but they often lost track of one thought when another came up to take its place. They could blame Sapphire, because it really was a mess when she added sugar into the stew instead of salt, or Maggie, because that pie was good enough to make them forget their own name, but they had forgotten Maggie’s request to talk by the time dinner ended. Evenings were now devoted to being quietly together. They'd take their places around the fire and settle in, each with a project of their own. Maggie was knitting a scarf in a soft, grey wool. Sapphire had found a small box of novels in the spare room and, although they couldn't read the language of the one she chose and the description sounded boring, she seemed to be, if not enjoying it, at least distracted. 

Much to Sapphire’s surprise, Ruby had chosen quilting. It felt better to sit on the floor and it gave them room to spread all the pieces out. Both woman had stared at the color choices and neither had seemed to believe them when Ruby explained the easiest way to make something match was to add every color possible, but no further comments had been made. Maggie even smiled at them now and then, adding more scraps to the colorful pile they were choosing from. She might have been laughing at them, but it was the nice kind of laughing that meant they'd made her happy somehow. Even Sapphire had unbent her dignity enough to say the quilt’s vivid colors had struck her speechless. That might not have been a compliment, now that they thought about it. 

They were laying out a nice pattern for the next square when Maggie tapped their shoulder with her foot. Having gotten their attention, she said, “Since you came, it’s been clear to me you two have been keeping a secret. I’ve tried not to pry, but I’ve been thinking on it and I believe I’ve figured it out.” 

The crackling of the fire and the sound of their breathing was suddenly too loud. Ruby looked down and away, hiding beneath the curly tangle of hair as much as they could and glanced sideways to where Sapphire sat on the couch. Her expression held all the polite indifference they normally saw when she was bluffing at cards and was about to up the ante. Sapphire had a tell, not that they thought she knew. She always grew still when she was upset and she didn’t so much as blink now.

“Oh? Whatever do you mean?”

Ruby didn’t dare look up, afraid their own face would give too much away. The light had been better beside the worn chair Maggie kept near the fire, but now they had no way to hide. The tension had them holding their breath, but that only seemed to make the pounding of their heart the loudest noise in the room instead. A hand crossed into their field of vision and Maggie pressed a hand up under their chin until they met her eyes.

“You put an advertisement for a wife in the paper, Robbie, and Sarah answered it. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, I’m fully aware that there’s not enough woman out west and there are city women looking for a new life that choose to answer the ads. It’s practical.”

Maggie patted them on the head, an amused and slightly smug smile on her face reminding them so strongly of Sapphire that it only made them feel even more bewildered. Ruby almost fell on their face as they tried to follow such a flight of fancy, but Maggie caught them by the shoulders and half pulled them into her lap. They passively flopped forward and wrapped their arms around her knees. Through a mouthful of gingham and half-finished scarf, they stammered out, “What? Hu-how...?”

“It’s obvious Sarah has no idea how to live a country life and the two of you tiptoe around each other like children who don’t know if they’re going to be best friends or worst enemies. For a married couple, you’re obviously not very familiar. A long-distance arrangement would explain that and why you’re traveling across the country. Does your family know you’re bringing home a wife?”

They shook their head without looking up. She didn’t seem to mind, so Ruby curled closer until they could fold their arms in her lap and rest their head on top. Kneeling like that wasn’t easy, but it felt good to have someone older supporting them - even if she wasn’t exactly right in her guesses and was as bad as Sapphire when it came to being high-handed. Maggie draped an arm across their shoulders and began petting their hair, working her fingers gently through their curls. Her heart was in the right place and Ruby wanted to believe the pair of them were in the right place by being with her. 

“You know the surfaces of each other and you’re starting to learn the depths, but the road to love is a long one. Don’t be afraid of it. Yours may not have begun in the way you wanted or imagined that love begins and you may not be completely in love now, but I believe it will be love if you give it the time.” 

“On that note, why don’t you tell us about your own life? You haven’t mentioned much about your family, Maggie.”

Trust Sapphire to artfully charge the topic without answering the question. Her worst habit was, at long last, useful. Maggie’s hand paused its comforting movements and Ruby winced as she twisted a curl around her finger. The pull stopped immediately and she smoothed her hand over their stinging scalp. 

“My family, with the exception of my son, has gone on to greater things.” Her voice didn’t shake at all, but Ruby could feel that her fingers were trembling. They pressed closer and wrapped their arms around her waist. Maggie hugged them tighter, but it didn't change the stiff, flat tone of voice she was using. “My son would tell you he has too, but in his own way. I’m not sure you’d find the story interesting.”

“On the contrary, I’m very interested. Aren’t you, Robbie? It could be a good example for us.”

It was hard to tell if Sapphire was being sincere, especially when they couldn't see her. It didn't matter either, because anything was better than trying to sort out their tangle of feelings over Sapphire the Mail-Order Bride. Putting an ad in the paper seemed cold and overly practical, but then sending love letters across the country would have been very romantic and exciting. Then again, why were they even thinking about something that wasn't true and, dear God, what they wouldn't give to know what went through Sapphire’s mind when Maggie said that! Ruby was dying of curiosity that they knew Sapphire would never satisfy. They were certain of that, and certainly confused on everything, and maybe a little ashamed because it wasn't nice to enjoy someone else’s embarrassment. It also wasn't nice to ignore Maggie. That was the thought that brought everything back into focus. 

She clung tighter for a few moments when Ruby tried to sit back on their heels. They felt her sigh more than they heard it, the deep rise and fall of her abdomen against their cheek, but then she let go all at once and they were free to look up into the grief-grey eyes. They tried to smile, but the sadness there was too heavy for them to lift. They took her hands between their own and shook them gently. “Tell us about how you fell in love, Aunt Maggie? Please?” 

“Yes… I think I will. My husband came down from Québec to see new places and ended up buying a farm. God alone knows why; I don’t think he did.”

The small, nostalgic smile warmed and lit up Maggie’s features until Ruby felt they could see the little girl in her, just as they had with Sapphire. They felt maybe that vulnerable person inside, made up of feelings and memories, was who people must really be - something that didn’t have a body that aged or changed. They were going to encourage her to say more when the sharp smack of a book being closed made them both jump. 

Ruby jerked around to see Sapphire toss the book on the cushion beside her. They couldn’t imagine what detail had upset her. Maggie had said nothing that stood out to them except that her husband had left home without having a goal in mind. They’d done that and they didn’t think it warranted such a fuss. 

“Québec, did you say?” That sounded too casual. False. Sapphire gave herself away with the hand she lifted to cover her mouth, hiding one half of her expression even as her eyebrows furrowed. “Maggie, do you…?”

“ _Oui, ma coquette, mon mari enseigné moi de parler Français très bien. J'savoir quel que vous en disant à mes poules._ Did you think I owned French novels because they’re decorative?” 

Color bloomed in Sapphire’s cheeks and she looked away. Ruby turned back to Maggie and saw that self-satisfied smile was back. Her first guess had been wrong, not that they were going to tell her that, but she’d clearly won the second round on all points. They shook their head at the antics of these woman they’d come to live with and care for. God spare them such pride and intrigue. Truly. It made their head hurt and they had no idea what just happened beyond Sapphire realizing that she wasn’t the only one in the house who spoke French. Maggie ruffled their hair. 

“I was a teacher back then, and I took long rides when I had the time. I always knew everything I'd see on the road and where I was going, but then one day I saw _him_ sitting among the weeds on the porch of this very house. He was singing, just as happy as could be. The house and barn were falling apart and the fields hadn’t been touched in years. I asked him why he wanted to save something so run-down and he just laughed. He said I had to look at it and see what it could be, not what it was. Louis was always like that, seeing the potential in everything.”

Slowly, not wanting to interrupt what she was saying, Ruby leaned in until they could rest their head in her lap again. Maggie welcomed them back with open arms. Her husband sounded like someone they would have wanted to meet, and they felt a pang of regret that they couldn’t. Except he wasn’t really gone at all. The memory of who Maggie’s husband had been was alive in her, and she was doing her best to introduce them. Ruby smiled with her and let her walk them down the path of memories together. 

“The next time I rode by he had a bouquet of radishes for me. He said it was the first thing his new farm had grown and he wanted me to have it.” The chuckle vibrated deep in her chest and they shared that together as well. If love was a unique bond between two people, then the way they showed each other that love should be unique to them as well. Flowers would have been nice, but forgettable. The radishes were the best of everything he’d had at that moment. Ruby wondered if Sapphire ever noticed they gave her the best of what they had too. 

“He was my lark, _ma alouette_ , forever singing with me in the mornings and building our perfect nest together. It’s been so empty without him these last few years and my chicks are gone.” Maggie’s voice was beginning to shake and Ruby could feel the mood shifting like the air pressure before an oncoming storm. Her grip was starting to hurt, but they could hear she was in pain too. Far more pain than they were. “My daughter and her family were swept away in an outbreak of fever. My son teaches at a college in Boston and is too grand now to be seen on a farm. He thinks I’m a fool for staying, but this is my home! The best years of my life were here: all my memories and everything I have left. I refuse to leave!”

Her anger broke and rained down on them. Ruby held tighter to let her know they were still there. They weren’t leaving or trying to make her leave. They felt the warmth of Sapphire against their back and she reached over them to lay her hand on top of theirs and Maggie’s. The older woman glared, defying Sapphire to be like all the rest and tell her to be calm or some other nonsense. The younger woman met her gaze solemnly and nodded. 

“There’s no reason you should, Maggie. I don’t mean to interrupt, but I feel any further discussion of you leaving your home is absurd. I have a far better idea for our time. You’re a teacher, so perhaps you’d like a student again? I don’t have the patience for teaching, but I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt Robbie to learn a bit of French.”

From sunshine to storms and back again. What had they gotten themselves into with these women? They weren't sure they liked this idea of teaching them another language either, but Maggie looked so pleased that Ruby didn’t have the heart to say no. They’d never been very good in school. Ever. It was too easy to be distracted by something outside the window and the teacher had found their constant questions an annoyance. They’d spent a lot of time standing by the blackboard with the words _“I cannot sit still. I am a fidget.”_ written over their head. They couldn’t bring themselves to tell their Pa of the humiliation. In the end, another child had tattled and Pa had taken them out of school. He’d also seen to it the town got a new teacher the next year, one by one cornering the neighbors in his store and talking them over to his way of thinking. 

The new teacher had been kinder, but Ruby had decided to continue learning their lessons at home. Math had been the worst, but Pa taught them by showing them how math was part of real life. They’d learned to take inventory and mind the register. Books and writing were for the very end of the day, when they had spent the day being active and felt ready to be quiet. Maybe Maggie would teach them in a way they could understand too. If nothing else, they’d know what Sapphire was saying to the chickens and Maggie was swinging their hands back and forth in her excitement. 

“What a wonderful idea! We sit together in the evenings, but we’ve all been retreating to our own corners to work. I can teach Robbie one small lesson at a time and then perhaps you’d like to read to us? Not _Au Bonheur des Dames_. I don’t think your current book would strike Robbie’s fancy, but there are other books in that box. Run along and find one that’s more exciting?”

Oddly enough, Sapphire didn’t protest being ordered around. Maggie’s enthusiasm seemed to have infected her, because the younger woman picked up the kerosene lamp from the small table by the window and took the stairs two at a time in her haste. Maybe she just wanted to be certain Maggie didn’t have time to ask any more awkward questions, but Ruby wanted to believe it was real interest. Reading had never been their favorite pastime, but they loved listening to a good story. More than anything, they hoped Sapphire would be the one to learn something important: this was what family felt like. 

She must have had something in mind already, because Sapphire was back downstairs not long after Ruby had finished collecting the scattered pieces of their quilt and putting them away in the basket with Maggie’s yarn. She had two books in her hands and she wordlessly held them out to the older woman for approval. Maggie studied the title of each and flipped through the pages.

“Yes, I believe these are both good choices.” Maggie pressed the books back into Sapphire’s hands. She hesitated and then added, “I can’t read anymore, not in this light. I accept that because I must, but I’d be pleased if you would read to me.” 

“ _D’accord_.” 

Ruby didn’t quite understand why this was so important or exciting for them. They'd never known any other language except English, but maybe for Sapphire, who grew up speaking something else, and Maggie, who had learned it as part of loving someone else, it was a piece of who they were - a piece they hadn't been able to share with other people in a long time. Ruby was very familiar with that feeling. They also understood the concession Maggie had made for Sapphire. To show her that it wasn't the end of the world to not be able to do everything yourself, the proud older woman had admitted she couldn't do everything either.

All were in agreement that they’d had enough for one evening. Sapphire held their hand as they walked upstairs together. Ruby, who had never been unaware of how imperfect they were, felt perfectly happy. Tomorrow and its troubles would have to wait their turn, because Sapphire was a steady warmth beside them and would be for the rest of the night. They leaned into her side, just for the pleasure of seeing that she wouldn’t push them away. 

Sapphire laughed and leaned back, complaining that she couldn’t open the door when she was the one holding the lamp and they were trapping her free hand. They refused to let her go and compromised by taking the lamp. She tugged at their curls in mock rebuke, pushed open the door, and stopped dead in her tracks. Before they knew what was happening, Sapphire had snatched back both her hand and the lamp. Stepping further into the room, she held up the lamp and pointed at the bed. Ruby, peering around her shoulder, finally saw what the problem was.

Nestled in the center of their bed was the lost hen. It gave a drowsy cluck and hid from the light, puffing up its feathers and putting its head beneath its wing. Her overly-dramatic expression of affront when she looked back at them was too much. Ruby’s knees hit the floor as they doubled over laughing. Sapphire was nearly squawking in outrage and the hen was scolding right her back. They thought she demanded to know what was so funny, but they couldn’t find the breath to explain. If they had, she probably wouldn’t have understood. Life. The answer was life and all its unexpected surprises.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been referenced before, but just to be clear: Sapphire was born in New Orleans, LA and was raised bilingual. She can speak English, Cajun French, and Parisian French. The words are not translated because this is from Ruby's POV and they have no clue what is being said.


	9. Alone With You

The day had begun so well. Ruby sighed and laid a hand on Sapphire’s shoulder. She shrugged it off and scooted to the end of the wagon seat. The return trip from town, rattling along the deserted country road, was a far cry from the trip there. They’d laughed and talked without a care in the pale light of early morning, breath misting in the chilly air. The feeling of her warmth as they’d sat side by side, huddled close with their arms around each other, had been so very good. The bright blue of her eyes had matched the cloudless winter sky above and they had ached to tell Sapphire how beautiful she was when she smiled just for them. 

Now they sat in dead silence. The wheels hit a deep rut in the road and, willynilly, Sapphire was thrown against their side. Next thing they knew, her elbow was digging into their ribs and she’d nearly pushed them off the wagon. Ruby lurched sideways, grabbed hold of the edge of the seat, and flung out their other arm. _That was enough of that._ They caught Sapphire across the chest on the back-swing and tumbled her over the back of the seat and into the wagon bed. The heavy sound of her body hitting the boards would have weighed on their heart more strongly if it hadn’t nearly been beating out of their chest in fear. They’d knocked the breath out of her for a few blessed minutes, but then she was up on her feet and screaming.

“How dare you!”

Ruby didn’t need to pull back on the reins. Garnet had heard the fighting and she dug in all four hooves so resolutely that they knew a even whip wouldn’t move her now. They’d spent the day trying to be tolerant towards the whole damn town and Sapphire too, the cantankerous little backstabber, but look where all their patience and good intentions were getting them! When Sapphire grabbed them by the jacket collar and twisted them around to face her, they put their nose to hers and roared back.

“I haven’t done anything to you! I had to live through the same day! I’m being jostled as badly as you are and you damn near killed me just now! Do you think I could survive being thrown beneath Garnet’s hooves? What do you want?! Do you want to walk back home?!”

Sapphire let go of them and stepped back until she was out of arm’s reach. Normally, the sight of her pinched and miserable expression would have moved them to pity, but now her selfishness only goaded them deeper into rage. If they’d softened then, it might have turned out differently. Maybe. Ruby would never know. It was always, always, an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth with her - whose eye and whose tooth, she didn't even care as long as she satisfied her spite! 

Her lips curled back to bare her clenched teeth. “That is not my home.”

Of all the ungrateful things Sapphire could have said, that one was the worst for them. After all the effort they and Maggie had put in to make her feel welcomed and part of a family, she would throw it all away when the road got rough. Ruby slapped their hand down on the seat, ignoring the way Garnet squealed at the loud crack. Sapphire jumped too and they snarled back with more passion than that cold little heart of hers had probably ever known. “Really? Then where is your home? Where else do you want to be, because it’s clearly not with me!”

“ _I don’t have one! I don’t belong anywhere!_ ” 

Sapphire didn’t cry, but there was a sob in her voice that provoked them. If she had shed even one tear, Ruby would have climbed down beside her and held her. That wasn’t Sapphire’s way. By choosing her own way, they felt she forced their choices too. How they resented her for not just thinking only of herself, but refusing to share of herself too. She wouldn’t give them her tears, but she’d give them the sharp edge of her tongue just fine. 

“I don’t fit in either, but you don’t see me taking it out on you!” Ruby wasn’t too proud to cry in front of her. They sniffed and dug their handkerchief out of their pocket, because Maggie would no doubt get onto them about wiping their eyes with their sleeve. Sapphire wouldn’t. She would be disgusted and silent - like she was right now. “If you want to sulk and pretend you were the only person who was hurt today, then you can sit back there until we get back to Maggie’s house! I don’t care!” 

Except that they did care. She didn’t even realize that what she chose to do, someone they’d grown to trust and depend on, hurt far worse than what strangers did. Yet she valued the feelings of those same strangers over their feelings and their opinion of her. She just turned her back on them and sat down in the furthest corner of the wagon bed. Ruby turned away too. 

Garnet didn't move when they called to her and shook the reins over her back. Nothing they said, no soft coaxing words or sharp command had any effect other than to make her stomp a hoof. Her ears were laid back flat against her skull and she tossed her head when they climbed down to lead her instead. They took Garnet by the bit, but her mouth was like iron against their pull. With all their weight behind it, they couldn't force her to walk forward with them. Like Sapphire.

“I'm sorry, girl. It's been a bad day and I lost my temper.” They were speaking to Garnet, but they couldn't help but look past her to Sapphire. The woman pulled her bonnet down firmly, but didn't relent. Garnet, on the other hand, bowed her head under she could bump her nose against their chest. That was all it took for them to wrap both arms around the mare’s neck and lean into her. She let them hug and pet her, mumbling all the unhappy little thoughts and apologies that someone else wasn’t interested in hearing.

It would have been faster to get back in the wagon and they were tired, but it was comforting to lead Garnet. At least their old friend was still beside them. Murder had been committed that day and they needed time to grieve over it. Not everyone understood that expectations and hopes could be killed, but you never forgot the pain of it once they died and the world never quite looked the same afterwards. Unless you were Ruby, who felt like a fool. They always hoped, always tried, and always seemed to forget how much it could hurt in the end. 

Maggie had been telling them earlier in the week that she often sold extra eggs, cream, and butter in town. She hadn’t been able to go alone in months and she’d grown tired of asking favors from her neighbors, but neither had she been happy with the waste of food and the loss of that extra income. She’d already had Sapphire helping her skim milk and the younger woman had kept them up at night with complains that she now knew more about the art of cheese and butter making than she’d ever cared to know. When Ruby had asked how much she’d wanted to know, Sapphire had replied only enough to identify it as she swallowed. They’d laughed together then and Ruby had felt her complaints were only to cover her dignity. 

The idea of going to town together, the suggestion they could get out of the house and spend some time alone, had seemed ideal. It wouldn’t be hard to visit two places and then head back. Maggie had given them a short list of items she needed and she’d encouraged them to get anything they might want. Ruby’s thoughts had been focused on a bag of cinnamon drops and Sapphire had still been teasing them over that when they’d walked into the general store. From that moment on, not a single thing had gone well. 

All conversation ended when they crossed the threshold. The bell over the door rang unnaturally loud in the silence. They barely saw him move, but somehow the proprietor was suddenly much too close and Ruby almost fell backwards out the door. They would have, except that Sapphire grabbed them by the elbow and steadied them. All humor left her face so completely that they could hardly believe it had been there to begin with. She faced the proprietor with cold courtesy and did not, even once, look away from the hostile man in front of her. 

When the man reached for Ruby’s shoulder, Sapphire’s eyes narrowed. She said nothing, but there was something in that steely glare that made the man take a step back and gesture for them to follow him outside. They handed over the list and were told in no uncertain terms to wait by the wagon. If Ruby had expected that to be easier, they were proven wrong by how many people were staring and how many were pretending they weren’t. Some people even changed directions and walked back the way they’d come. The worst, for them, was when a mother shooed her children behind her skirts and hurried past as if they were somehow dangerous.

By the time the proprietor came back with the items on the list, Ruby felt lower than the mud beneath the wagon wheels. Sapphire sat at rigid attention on the seat and exchanged a few words with him while another man unloaded the eggs, butter, and cheese. They were told Maggie’s balance of credit with the store and it was strongly suggested to them that they drive the wagon around back next time and knock. The money and the stock was appreciated, but not their presence. 

There was also a cafe Maggie had asked them to visit and Ruby would have gone around back if not for Sapphire, who would not demean herself, even for their peace of mind. The aproned and flour-smudged matron who owned it cast them a pitying look before exchanging a few coins with Sapphire. If possible, that hurt even more and they couldn’t help but notice how quickly she ushered them in with the cream and butter. Ruby dropped one of the lovely little pastel eggs Maggie’s hens laid and the woman said she’d clean it up. She wished them a good day. 

They passed the minister on the way out of town and Ruby was able to add one final humiliation to their list. They had no doubt he meant well, but to have to stop and shake hands while they could feel the disdain and suspicion all around them was like being trapped. He urged them to visit for tea with Maggie sometime. Ruby couldn’t remember what they had said, but it was polite and it made the minister go his own way. They didn’t want kindness motivated by pity or a need to set an example for others to follow. It hurt for so many reasons, not the least of which was that the old Ruby would have happily agreed to the visit. They’d have wanted to set an example too. That they didn’t now made Ruby feel like a coward. 

When Ruby’s feet started to hurt, they patted Garnet’s neck and climbed back into the wagon. A quick glance at Sapphire showed she hadn’t had a change of attitude, so they tried to give her the distance she seemed to want. Ruby didn’t bother asking for her help in backing the wagon into the barn when they got home or for unharnessing Garnet. The work was their way of taking their mind off their troubles. It was late afternoon, so Ruby turned the mare loose with Sass and the cows after brushing her down. They thought they saw a blond man watching from the neighboring fields, but he hurried out of sight. 

There was nothing left to do and no reasons they could find to delay the confrontation. They thought about it long and hard, just to be certain they couldn’t find something, but in the end Ruby rapped their knuckles against the side of the wagon. Nothing happened to first time, so they tried again. Harder. Sapphire’s head appeared and she peered down her nose at them like she thought they were dirt too. They swallowed down all the petty, accusing things that would only have hurt them both and said, “I understand how hard that was, Sapphire, but…”

“No! This time, you’re the one that doesn't understand. They look at me and see a native. Please understand when I say I respect the people that lived here before colonists arrived, but I can't claim them as my own people. I wasn't raised in their traditions. I don't know what it feels like to be forced to live on reservations and have my culture taken from me. I don't know their history any more or less than you do! My parents didn't talk about it, not even to say what tribal nations I'm the ignorant descendant of. All I have is this God-damn darker skin and the prejudice of people who think they know what I am! How am I supposed to feel?!”

Ruby ran a hand over their forearm, across skin even darker than Sapphire’s. They could have said many things. They could have told her about a childhood where no one had wanted them - the ugly, dark-skinned little orphan that couldn’t do anything right in the eyes of the nuns that always made certain they understood their life existed solely on the charity and forbearance of others. They could have talked about the immigrant boy they’d known for a few short months, the first time in their life they’d ever felt cared for or understood, and how he’d been constantly mocked for speaking his birth language and told to go home - as if America wasn’t his home. They could have pointed out that they would never know exactly who or what their birth parents had been and how they had been raised by a man who strangers would never recognize as their real father because of the different color of their skin. 

They’d worked very hard to be accepted, needing to be twice as helpful, polite, and kind to be seen as average. Not only had they been judged for the color of their skin, but for their unseemly habit of dressing in clothes not suited to their sex. If not beloved by all, they’d at least found tolerance before and that was all they’d wanted: the freedom to be who they wanted to be. Every new place they came to, they were forced to start over again. They’d accepted the challenge because they had no choice and because they believed they could leave behind them a better, less judgemental place for the people who would come after them. 

Now the world just seemed too big and their strength too small. Lady Masque had broken them down, step by step, until they felt like all their hopes and ideals were childish. The bandits had physically stripping them of their choices and reducing them to a nothing more than a body. The town had been a crushing reminder that they would always be judged by what people saw on the surface. Now there was Sapphire, who they foolishly believed they could help and who didn’t want them.

Instead of pouring out their breaking heart, Ruby quietly asked, “Then who are you? Are you what other people think you are? Are you who your parents raised you to be? Are you your past? A singer or a murderer or maybe… maybe you’re just my friend, who is hurting and feeling a little lost right now.”

They didn't know what they'd expected – Ruby knew better than to hope she'd reach out to them as they would have reached for her – but the continued silence was not it. Sapphire withdrew from sight into the wagon and left them alone. They swallowed hard. If that was what she wanted, then they couldn't force her or anyone else to change. They knew that now. Blinking away the tears that threatened to fall, they walked over to a corner of the barn where a trunk of old quilted blankets were kept for the animals. Ruby reached in with without bothering to look and tossed the first blanket they touched over their shoulder. 

“What are you doing?”

Now she wanted to talk, did she? Ruby didn't feel like they had anything left to say, but they paused at the base of the ladder leading to the hayloft long enough to snap, “What do you care?”

Between the weight and the bulk, it was far harder to wrestle the blanket up the ladder than they expected. Ruby missed their grip on the last rung and clipped their chin on the boards. They hung on with one hand and used the other to throw the blanket onto the loft floor, dragging themselves up after it. It took a few moments for the stars to clear from their vision and for their eyes to adjust to the dim light, but they finally realized they’d grabbed three horse blankets instead of one. Fine. Good. Great. 

One went towards covering a heap of loose straw and another was more than enough to bundle up in. For a while, they were almost at peace. They lay in the soft shadows, breathing in the homey scents of cotton, clean animal, and hay. They could have been a child again, taking a nap in a neighbor’s barn. The world outside their cocoon could have been perfect. Except they knew better and there was a new sound from below. It was a creaking sort of sound that slowly came to a halt about where the ladder was. 

Ruby pressed their face deeper into the frayed seams and patched cloth. The rustling made its way up the ladder and the muffled crunch of boots on straw trailed to a stop somewhere to their left. It would have been nice to say they felt better knowing Sapphire had chosen to follow them, but that would have been a lie. The blanket was pulled down just far enough for them to ask, in a tone even Ruby had to admit was unfriendly, “What do you want?” 

This time the silence dragged on so long that Ruby wondered if they'd fallen asleep and dreamed that Sapphire cared enough to come after them. Only instinct, the nerve-prickling sensation of being the focus of another’s attention, told them they were not alone in the loft. There was the slow scrape of shuffling step in their direction. Hesitation. Sapphire normally took measured, deliberate steps when she walked and put her feet down firmly. Did she know anything like that about them? 

“There are days when you make me want to give up.” Invisible but as heavy and stifling as the blankets around them, the words made Ruby sick just saying them. It felt like weakness and they already felt too close to breaking. “You aren't the only one in this world to be judged unfairly or treated badly, but you sure act like it.”

A sharp breath. Ruby didn’t know if that was a sign of surprise or frustration and they weren’t sure they cared. More shuffling as Sapphire edged closer. Her boot nudged their heel through the blankets. Ruby kicked back and knocked the boot away. She sighed, but didn’t have the decency to take a hint. They felt her sit down and lean against their back, adding to the unpleasant feeling of being smothered. 

“I'm not trying to make excuses, Ruby, but this is all new to me. I've never had to worry about anyone but myself.”

She was making a fair point, but it was a fine time for her to sound desperate and maybe even a little scared. Even better if it had been hours ago, before everything fell apart. The fear was probably their imagination, always wanting to cast her in a better light. She was plucking at the edge of the blanket, trying to pull it away from their face. Ruby tucked their chin to their chest and rolled over onto their stomach. They could sulk just as well as she could, thanks very much. Maybe she’d see how it felt to be them. 

“Are you listening to me, Ruby? Stop ignoring me!” 

They heard her growl in frustration and, somehow, her small hand worked its way in under the blanket. It smoothed over the back of their neck.They tensed, waiting to see what she would do. When nothing happened beyond the pleasantly cool touch of her fingers on their overly hot skin, Ruby relaxed. Mistake. Spending their childhood in an orphanage had taught them more than they wanted to know about bullies, but they’d still dropped their guard and fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the book. 

The pinch came without warning and, just as they had when those long ago bullies tormented them, Ruby reacted without a second thought. Even as they shrieked in pain, Ruby got their elbows and knees beneath them and bucked Sapphire off. Their heard a grunt from Sapphire when she hit the floor and turned blindly in the direction of the sound, just in time for her to roll to her knees and tackle them around the waist. Like furious children, they rolled around in the straw, kicking up chaff and yelling insults so garbled that neither understood what the other said. But, oh, they damn well knew what the other meant. 

Her elbow hit them in the chest and they pulled her hair. Tears and dust smeared across Ruby’s cheeks, but for once they were determined to give back as bad as they got. The brawl went on until they were gasping for breath and bruising beneath their clothes. Sapphire had grabbed them by the shirt, their collar gaping open from a lost button, and pushed away. That was her mistake. Ruby was by far the stronger of the two and giving them enough room to get a solid grip on her was the end. They caught hold of her wrists and twisted until they heard a faint gasp of pain.

They both let go at almost the same time. Sapphire crawled back with her arms wrapped protectively around herself. Ruby looking down at their hands like they belonged to someone else and began to wail. Of all the things Sapphire had ever done to them, pushing them to a place where they'd lashed out at her was the worst. And much as they might like to, they couldn’t lay all the blame on her either. They'd wanted to hurt her as much as she hurt them. Ruby buried their face in their hands and curled in on themselves, wishing they could just disappear. 

Except someone wasn't going to let them. The moment they felt Sapphire’s hands on them, Ruby tried to squirm away. It was a half-hearted effort at best and she gathered them into her lap, tucking them firmly under her chin. Their breathing hitched and faltered, but fighting someone who was hugging them and petting their hair gently seemed even more foolish than what they'd already been doing. 

The world really must have gone mad, if they were the one fighting and Sapphire was the one trying to be comforting, but Ruby gave into it. They cried like they hadn’t since the night they realized they were going to die out in the prairies unless Sapphire let them leave. Some tears could bring relief, but the wild sobbing that shook their body wasn’t that merciful. Ruby wept until their eyes and throat felt raw, until all the strength left in their body seemed to have been washed away in the flood of grief and frustration. 

When they quieted, Sapphire shifted their limp body into a more comfortable position and buried her face in their hair. They felt her swallow hard and try to say something, but the words seemed to choke her. Exhaustion weighed them down and that, more than patience, had them waiting as she struggled to say what she needed to. 

“Don’t you ever ignore me again. Don’t you _ever_ do that to me.” 

The words were harsh and demanding, but she clutched them closer with a kind of desperation that Ruby felt even through the numbness in their heart. Instinctively, they turned further into the warmth of her body and pressed their face into her neck. She would never ask them to not abandon her, but they heard her just the same. Her hand had settled on their shoulder and they covered her trembling fingers with their own.

“ _You_ ignore _me_ ,” they whispered. They winced at how raw and raspy it, but they had gone too far not to finish what they’d started. “Whenever you get hurt… or angry... you ignore me and how I feel.” 

Sapphire sighed deeply, but didn’t deny the truth. They really didn’t know if they’d wanted her to or not, but maybe no answer would have soothed the ache they felt. Ruby thought that would be the end of conversation and tried to push away, but Sapphire held tight. They couldn’t see her face, but there was an uncharacteristic hesitation in her voice when she finally spoke. 

“Thinking about other people seems to come naturally to you.” She paused and Ruby felt her turn her head way, looking towards the tiny rays of light that forced their way through the edges of the shutters and created a touch of brightness in the shadowy loft. “You're a kinder, more decent human being than me, but it was wrong of me to think that meant it was easy or that you didn’t have the right to lose your temper eventually.”

Her grip loosened as she spoke and Sapphire didn't resist when Ruby guided them both down to lay in the straw. One of the blankets was still within reach and Ruby covered them up. Never to be outdone, Sapphire pulled their back against her chest, spooning around them and taking a dominant position. As usual. And they didn't mind, because leaning into her strength felt better than fighting against it. 

“Sapphire, when we first started out and agreed to go back to where I grew up, you said that you had found a new reason to live. You wouldn’t tell me what it was then, but now… do you still…”

“When you ask who I am, I don't know what to say,” Sapphire said, interrupting them just a little too quickly for them to not be suspicious. Still, they tired and at least she was answering a question, even if it was a different one. They felt her hand move down their forearm and opened their hand for her to hold. “I don’t know who I am anymore. My past hasn’t gone away. It will always be part of me. Another part of me is your friend, yes, and all of me is very lost. Living here feels like going home to you, but nothing about this is like any life I’ve known. I don’t know how to give you what you want or need. But I want to. For now, can you accept that?”

Ruby closed their eyes and gave her answer the consideration they both deserved. The slowing beat of her heart and the steadiness of her breathing seemed to be pulling their world back into balance. If she had promised to change immediately, they couldn’t have trusted those words, but the very fact that they could peacefully hold each other and work their way through their problems was the proof they needed. The Sapphire who could be frightened they would leave her was a very different person than the Sapphire of months ago. Whatever her reasons for change were, Ruby chose trust. 

“Yes.”

They hadn’t even realized how tense she was until Sapphire sagged against them, closing any of the gaps that had been left between them. Maggie would not be expecting them home for another hour or two and it had been a long day, so a nap was starting to look like a very good idea. They were settling into sleep, secure in the slowly deepening bond that they’d hoped for more than they cared to admit, when Sapphire cleared her throat. 

“Can we not tell Maggie about this? I’m not exactly proud of… what just happened.”

“...God, no.”


	10. Lâcher Prise

Snow had fallen during the night, soft and silent as a dream, and Ruby had run outside to watch dawn break across a crystal and glass world. Later in the day, it would all be melted to mud, but for this moment all the imperfections of the world had been covered by a delicate layer of pristine white. A layer, they might add, that crunched wonderfully beneath their boots and left a trail of footprints behind them. 

As a child, Ruby had spent many mornings just like this one pretending they were the first living human being at the dawn of time itself. They’d wrap their arms around themselves to hold in the excitement and take in the profound stillness of the world. Every perfectly formed footprint in the snow would be like the first step to ever be taken there and they would make the newborn world a place without the sadness and struggles of the old. In the end, when that thought became as cold and lonely as the child who thought it, they would race back inside and throw themselves into Pa’s arms. Better a flawed world with the people they loved than a perfect one without them. 

Ruby had honestly meant to behave when they woke up that morning. Honestly. They took a shovel and cleared an area of the chickenyard, but the chickens would not come out. Fricot stuck his head out briefly and regarded both snow and human with obvious scorn. He clucked once, expressing both obscenity and sarcasm in a single sound, and pulled his head back inside. In case anyone changed their minds, Ruby left fresh water and food in pans that they pushed invitingly close to the chicken house. 

The cows were pleased to see them and Sass was demaining her morning grain in a voice only slightly less ear-splitting than dragging fingernails across a writing slate, but it was Garnet, their dear, normally rock-solid Garnet, who tempted them into mischief. Her dark eyes were bright with life and she started dancing in place when she caught sight of them. Only one thing interested her on a morning like this and it wasn’t food. She wouldn’t have settled anyway; Ruby reassured themselves with that excuse and didn’t waste another second before grabbing a rope and looping it around her neck. 

Once she’d been set free in the pasture, Garnet took off like a shot. She ran the length of the fence and turned around to charge back in her owner’s direction. Halfway there, she changed her mind and threw herself to the ground, rolling gleefully in the snow and kicking her legs in the air. The mare frisked and played in the snow like a foal with less than a quarter of her bulk and age. Irresistible love and matching enthusiasm had Ruby calling her name. Garnet came eagerly, snow crusted on her winter-wooly coat and snorting clouds of steam into the chilly air. She turned sideways to the fence and Ruby scrambled up onto her back, looping the rope around her neck and urging her forward with their heels when they were ready. Garnet didn't need to be told twice. 

The pair were still whooping and laughing in their own language when Sapphire came out to get them. She had a heavy woolen shawl draped over her head and shoulders, pulled tight under her chin. Even from a distance Ruby thought she looked just about as happy with the weather as the chickens did. They caught movement in the corner of their eye and, as they had on other days, Ruby thought they saw someone watching from the distant fields. They shrugged it off, because ignoring Sapphire was never a good idea and they had a promise to keep about that.

Garnet ran for the young woman at the gate when Ruby turned her head around. The mare snuffled into the folds of Sapphire’s shawl as she fussed over them both and tossed a second shawl over Ruby. They were struggling to find their way out of it when she smacked them across the back of the head and proceeded to arrange it for them. Through the muffling of the wool wrapping, Ruby heard her grumble, “Am I to understand you were in such a hurry to freeze that you ran outside without a coat?” 

Ruby peeked out from under the shawl and looked into blue eyes that didn't reflect half the irritation Sapphire was pretending to feel. They grinned and answered, “Yes!”

The cloth was promptly pulled over their face again. Sapphire snorted and giggled as they pulled her into their arms, wrestling gently with the wooly wrappings bunched up around them. They managed to nose their way to her face and, by complete accident, their lips brushed her cheek. Sapphire seemed not to notice, but Ruby stumbled back in surprise and landed on their rear in the snow. 

The seat of their pants was getting soggy and cold, but it couldn't compare to the heat pooling in their chest and rising in their cheeks. Her happy, careless laughter and the pounding of their heart were the only sounds in a world with only them in it. Their old daydream come true, but better now because they were sharing that new world with someone else. She leaned down to help them up and Ruby swore their heart stopped then and there, because she was smiling at them and there was nothing more beautiful than Sapphire when she smiled. That smile said that they had her full attention and she was happy for them to have it. That she was happy they were there. With her. Her with her rosy cheeks and the sun shining on her hair and a fondness in her eyes that made them hope things they probably shouldn't. They didn't care. Mornings like this existed for hope. 

They walked Garnet back to the barn, giving her time to cool down before leaving her in the stable with Sass. Ruby offered to help carry the milk pails and they made it back inside without any further trouble. They thought Maggie might have been watching out the window, judging by her grin, but she said nothing of their antics beyond a pointed glance at their joined hands. Over breakfast they discussed the change in the weather, Sapphire still huddled in her shawl making a silent but unmistakable statement of opinion, and Maggie asked them to bring down the heavy winter clothes from storage. 

Which was how they ended up in the attic. They’d taken a lamp with them and it hadn’t been difficult to find the two large cedar chests of linens and clothing. Ruby had expected the musty smell of stored cloth when they opened the lid on one, but the attic was suddenly filled with the scent of fragrant wood and dried lavender. They heard Sapphire sigh behind them and let her nudge them aside so she could rest her cheek on the top quilt. 

Slowly, carefully, they reached out and ran their fingers through her hair. The roots were beginning to show her natural blonde and the lamplight sparked warm highlights in the golden strands where the walnut dye was fading. She was going to need to redye it soon or make their excuses to Maggie on why it had been dyed in the first place, but that was her choice and a worry for another time. Ruby simply enjoyed the moment. 

Sapphire was peaceful beneath their hand, her eyes closed as though she had fallen asleep. From her hair, they changed direction to run the tips of their fingers along the high ridge of her cheekbone and down to the corner of her lips. She was watching them now, from under her eyelashes, but she made no move to stop them. When they flattened their palm against her cheek, she laid her hand over theirs and pressed it in place. 

“What are you thinking, Ruby?

There was no hostility in the question. The gentle curiosity and her willingness to allow them to touch her warmed their heart as much as if she had returned the caress. They thought that about the softness of her skin and the fluttering shadows cast by her eyelashes. They thought about how they hoped to tuck the memory of days like this away someplace inside where it would be safe until they needed it, just as the winter clothes had been stored away against cold times. In the end, what they said was more simple.

“I was thinking there is nowhere I’d rather be more and no one I’d rather be here with.”

Her eyes were open now and she was watching them with that cautious look that they never quite knew what to make of. It was like what they said baffled her, but then it always became a hesitant little smile that said she was happy even if she didn’t understand. And maybe - just maybe - they thought about kissing her to see if they could taste the sweetness of that feeling. But it was only a thought. Ruby wouldn’t touch something as fragile as Sapphire’s trust. Someone as clumsy as them might break it. 

When Sapphire sat up, Ruby shook out the quilt and wrapped it around her shoulders. She burrowed into the worn fabric and they were amused to see Sapphire rub her face against it. While they unpacked the chest, they listened to the soft sound of her breathing beside them. A rabbit fur cap and muff were tucked in beside a heavy coat. These they added to the pile that Sapphire had become, pressing the muff into her hands and perching the cap on her head. Her raised eyebrow said everything. The way she dropped the hat on their own head and pushed it down past their eyes said anything her eyebrows might have left out. 

“It’s one of my favorite scents.” Ruby peeked out from under the fur and saw Sapphire was holding a little cloth packet embroidered with purple flowers. She handed it to them and they were surrounded by the fragrance of the flowers. She smiled wistfully and Ruby wondered what memories were held in the shadowed blue of her eyes. Noticing their interest, Sapphire chose to continue her story. “My mother put lavender sachets in with clothing or linens to keep the moths away and she used lavender-scented soap. After I left home, I suppose I just carried on the habit while I was working on the steamboat. I haven’t thought of it in years because… well, it’s been years. I had almost forgotten.” 

She blinked and the daydream was broken. Ruby reached for her hands, but she tucked them away into the fur. It was disappointing, but they held out hope for one thing. A few days ago she had been adamant that nothing here felt like home, yet they had found pieces of home tucked away in the attic. Given time and the chance, they could find more of what was forgotten but still inside of her. 

“Isn’t there a children’s song about that?” They asked, trying to lighten the mood again. The lyrics were escaping them, though. “Uh… Lavender green and… lavender blue…”

“If you love me, dilly dilly, I will love you. Let the birds sing, dilly dilly, let the lambs play. We will be safe, dilly dilly, out of harm’s way.” 

She wasn’t exactly singing, but Sapphire had a clear, lyrical way of reciting that was the next closest thing. They tried to focus on that, rather than the thrill of excitement that had set their heart racing. It wasn’t like she was saying those things to them personally. She was repeating the words to a song that had nothing to do with the two of them. Their heart didn’t care about logic. Sapphire was speaking again and they didn’t want to miss anything that she wanted to share with them. 

“The man I worked for - that was his wife’s favorite tune. After she died, he kept her wedding ring in a little music box in his office. I wondered, back then, what it must have been like to be loved that much. It seems sad to me now, but at the time I loved sneaking in and winding the little gold key. I’d sing along with it until someone came to find me.” 

It was risky to interrupt her, she might close down at any moment, but a mood of sentimentality seemed to have gripped her and Ruby had a question they’d held onto for weeks. Their gut said this was the right time. “Why don’t you sing, Sapphire? I asked once before but...”

“But I wasn’t interested in telling you.” She tactfully finished their sentence, avoiding either of them having to bring up the way she’d verbally bitten them the last time they’d asked her that. “There’s many reasons I could give you, but they all come down to two things that you already know about me: I don’t want to give away pieces of myself to anyone else. I barely have enough left for me and I don’t like humanity enough to be generous. I’m also prideful to a fault and my voice is disgracefully out of practice.”

“If you practiced, you could get everything back, right? You wouldn’t have to do it where anyone could hear you!” Ruby’s excitement flared up and died down in an instant when she frowned. Of course. They’d jumped on the problem that could be fixed and ignored the one that could not. Ashamed, they looked away and mumbled, “Oh, but you don’t want to sing at all so… I'm sorry.”

Without warning, the quilt was wrapped around them and the weight of Sapphire’s body settled against their back. They bowed with it, allowing her to rest against them and wind her arms around their neck. Beyond all expectations, she chuckled under her breath and it tickled their ear. “Oh, don’t start making assumptions or giving up so easily. Not now. I will never consent to sing professionally again - that part of my life is over - but I may chose to do it as something private and personal. Who knows? Far more unlikely things have happened with you around.”

Just as abruptly as she’d taken them into her arms, Sapphire let go and stood up. Her hand rested on their head, lingering fondly and carding her fingers through their curls, until she moved on to start picking up the piles of clothing they’d been unpacking. She threw them a crooked smile over her shoulder and sauntered off back downstairs. 

The morning passed quickly as they hauled armfuls of winter clothing and blankets. If someone had lit a stick of dynamite in a tailor shop and the contents had rained down in Maggie’s parlor, the effect would have been similar. From that chaos, the older woman had pulled out heavy winter coats for all of them and had wrapped the scarf she'd been knitting around their neck. Pants, woolen stockings, fur lined boots, dresses - the bits and pieces of a family that was no longer there to wear them. Ruby thought Maggie would have been unhappy to see her past laid out in that way, but she seemed to come alive as she held things up to them and discovered what could be made useful again.

A pale blue coat trimmed in white fur was offered to Sapphire and the older woman’s eyes looked suspiciously glossy when she put it on. When Maggie twirled a finger, Sapphire obligingly turned in place so they could admire her. The red in her cheeks might have been embarrassment at the silliness, but Sapphire looked pleased all the same. 

“My Louis was a trapper before he came down to Kansas and he brought a load of furs from the northern provinces for trade. He had this coat made for me with a matching fur muff. It was one of his first gifts to me as his wife and I couldn’t have been more vain about it than if it had been sable instead of snowshoe hare. The coat looks beautiful on you, my dear. My daughter isn’t here to have it, but would you like to wear it?” 

As she spoke, Maggie had moved forward until she could reach for Sapphire. Arthritic but no less strong or steady, her hands clasped Sapphire’s and raised them to her chest. A woman reached across the gap of years to someone could be like herself. The confused but pleased look was back in Sapphire’s eyes. She swallowed and nodded, dropping her gaze to her feet like she didn’t know what else to do. The older woman patted her cheek before reaching for Sapphire’s hair and brushing it back.

“I have a blue ribbon for your hair. That pink dress was my daughter’s, but I think blue suits you better. That was always my best color too. There’s a navy dress in here that’s simple, but it will keep you warm and we can put a brooch on it.” Maggie paused and held a handful of Sapphire’s hair up to the sunlight, turning it to examine the color. “D-dear… have you been lightening your hair? I know you had a difficult time last week, but you don’t need to change for anyone.”

Sapphire jerked away and put a hand to her hair. They read panic in the stiffness of her expression and the older woman looked so devastated at the idea that Ruby knew they needed to say something. They were still struggling to think of a reasonable excuse when they noticed Sapphire’s shoulders slump. With a meekness they’d never seen before, she took the truth in both hands and twisted it to suit her needs. 

“I… I’m sorry, Maggie. I would rather not talk about it right now, but Robbie helped me escape a very difficult life and I didn’t want to be recognized. I darkened it with dye.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie, but the details she’d left out gave the impression that they had probably helped her leave an abusive domestic situation. Ruby assumed that was what Sapphire wanted Maggie to think and to all appearances it worked. Maybe. They had a gut feeling that her sometimes outlandish guesses were more than they seemed. She was a clever woman and Ruby knew there were many ways to hunt. If you were to fire a shot close to where you believe a few wild birds were hiding, you might just startle them out into the open. 

“I see.” That was all Maggie said about their story. The creases at the corners of her mouth deepened, but her voice remained gentle and she stretched out her hand again. “Well, if you want to dye it again I’ll help. Or you can let it fade out and we’ll keep your hair covered with a hat. By spring, you’ll look like yourself and no one will be able to say they saw your hair as any other color. It’s your choice.”

“I’d rather look like myself again.”

Sapphire took her hand and was folded into the older woman’s embrace. She made a choked noise in the back of her throat that Maggie might have mistaken for a sob, but Ruby suspected was a strangled curse. They expected Sapphire to struggle free and her posture was tensed to do exactly that, but against all odds she held her ground. When Maggie guided the younger woman’s head down onto her shoulder, Sapphire bent beneath the pressure and, as if that small weight was the last straw, she crumbled. 

“Good girl. You’re safe now, so don’t you worry about pretending to be someone you aren’t.” Maggie leaned her cheek against the top of Sapphire’s head and crooned to her, rocking her and patting her back like a fretful child. “Perhaps you’ll chose to tell me what you ran from someday, but that’s your choice too.”

When Sapphire’s tolerance for being touched ran out, she was still considerate, taking Maggie by the upper arms and pushing away gently. Sapphire’s mask was gone and in its place Ruby could see someone painfully tired and adrift. She took a seat on the couch, pushing aside a quilt and a small heap of woolen undergarments. “May I ask you a question, Maggie? How can you give this away? Any of this? We’re strangers and these things belonged to people you love. Doesn’t it grieve you to go through these memories?”

“No, dear. To begin with, I’m going to ignore the nonsense about the two of you being strangers. Sarah, life will always go on. It should. It must. I’m here, surrounded by the memories of my life and using them to create new memories that will live on after me. The things of this world will always pass away in time, but the love lives on.”

“I knew a man who lost his wife,” Sapphire said. She was looking past both of them now, at something far more distant than the world outside of the window. They waited patiently as she thought, understanding that it took time to dig up memories that had been buried so deeply. Maggie must have understood too, because she remained quietly intent on the younger woman. “I never met her, but he spoke as if she was always just around the corner in another room or away on holiday.”

“I have no doubt that his wife lived on in his heart until the day they were reunited.The love that Louis and I shared is still very much with me. My daughter is here too. My son chooses not to be here, but that doesn't change my love for him either. You don't lose love by giving it away and, sometimes, you gain something that you can keep forever in return. I'm giving you what I have because I want you to keep it, because it brings me happiness to pass it on, and because I hope one day you will understand the happiness of passing on something of yourself. That will be, again, entirely your choice.”

Ruby sat at Sapphire’s feet, leaning against her legs. Her hand crept around the back of their head and they buried their face in her skirts. It hit them that they did not know what a marriage looked like up close. They’d lost their parents too young and Pa had never been married. They thought of loving someone so much that you could spend the rest of your life with them or the rest of your life missing them. Exciting and frightening, all at once, to imagine a feeling that strong. A shiver ran down their back as Sapphire began petting their hair. 

“That man didn't pass on anything.”

“Didn't he? Are you certain of that? Then I'm sorry to hear his sorrow blinded him to the happiness he could have had. Let that lesson at least be something he passed on.”

Ruby knew what it felt like to be left behind, but who and what would they leave behind one day? They pressed closer to the warmth of Sapphire’s body, but the chill was seeping in through the floorboards and the cracks in their confidence. Ruby wondered if they could be worth that kind of love or if they could do something with their life worth remembering. They knew what Maggie meant, even if Sapphire didn’t. When their life came to an end, would they be able to say their love had made a difference too? Ruby looked up and saw Sapphire was smiling at them. It was a lopsided smile and not very big, but it was there all the same. 

A thump from behind them turned out to be Maggie dropping into her own chair, her eyes closed and head tipped back against an antimacassar she’d probably made herself. As full of life and vigor as she had seemed minutes before, they were now reminded that Maggie carried the weight of many more years than they did and the winter wasn’t kind to those whose bones ached. They wouldn’t say that, though. Sapphire understood it as pride and she wasn’t wrong, but to Ruby it was the need to live and be present in every moment life had to offer. They all had only one life and a wasted moment couldn’t be regained, so it was not their place to stop her. 

They could, however, help. In a bit. They were tired too and it would be a shame to move away from Sapphire while she still was letting them lean into her. But Sapphire was restless and the hand holding them close fell away as she glanced around the room. She hummed thoughtfully as she studied the wreck they’d made of the parlor and the sound ended in a soft huffing laugh that they felt more than heard. She gestured around at the disaster area.

“A fine _fais dodo, mais non?_ ”

“ _S’cuse moi?_ ” Slowly Maggie sat up straight in her chair and stared at Sapphire. After learning that Maggie spoke French as well, Ruby had assumed she at least would understand Sapphire’s periodic lapses into her native language, but the older woman looked confounded. She blinked and, instead of addressing Sapphire, she looked down at them. “Robbie, I regret that I’m the one who has to tell you this, but your wife speaks appalling French. It's the Acadian in her.”

“This from the woman speaking _Quebecois_.” Sapphire arched an eyebrow and tapped her index finger against her chin in mock contemplation. “ _Je suis désolé, Tante. Je me demande… avez-vous besoin un p’tite dodo?_ I know what I mean when I speak, but do you?”

“ _Vous parlez absurdités et manquez de respect à votre aînés, ca c'est quoi vouz etes fait._ ” Maggie folded her arms and turned a formidable frown in Sapphire’s direction. “You’re not so old that I couldn’t take a switch to your backside, girl. What do you think of that?”

“ _Tres bien! Laissez les bon temp rouler!_ ” 

The younger woman was posing now, every line in her body a provocation as she crossed her knees and bounced one stockinged foot jaunity. Sapphire threw one arm over the back of the couch and raised the other high in pantomime of a toast. Ruby looked back and forth between the two woman, utterly lost as to what was going on. They might as well have been clucking like chickens, for all Ruby could understand. 

Finally, Ruby shrugged and began quietly picking things up, but kept the other two always in the corner of their eye. Ruby knew there was no relation between the women, no more than between themselves and their own pa, but something beneath the skin was so very much the same. It shown through in the challenging grins and the keen light in their eyes, stamping their features with a resemblance that shared blood couldn’t have matched. 

The women continued their argument, but Ruby felt that what they were saying had little to do with the languages they spoke or the words they chose. Again, there was something that existed beneath all of the things that didn’t really matter – an affection that was being passed on in through shared experience and mingled laughter. Ruby felt a bit left out, honestly, but still happy for them… until Sapphire looped an arm around their neck and dragged them into the happy chaos. 

Maggie had somehow laid hold of a broom and she declared her intent to beat the devil out of Sapphire. The unrepentant sinner was cackling and hiding behind them, firmly making sure any attempts to swat her would fall on their innocent head. Their own protests were as loud and fervent as any prayer, but with Sapphire shrieking happy nonsense in their ear as Maggie chased them into the kitchen for lunch, Ruby felt like there was really nothing more they could ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As authentic as it is to allow the reader to experience this from Ruby’s pov (that is, to be as lost and confused as they are), I thought it was only fair to explain the joke this time. While Sapphire and Maggie are both francophones, they speak different dialects. There are variations in both pronunciation and in regional sayings. Sapphire looks at the mess and jokingly uses a phrase that (to her) implies they had a big party. To Maggie, who only understands the literal meaning, Sapphire is speaking in babytalk about naps! Sapphire quickly realizes she's been misinterpreted but, instead of explaining, she chooses to tease Maggie and press the literal meaning by suggesting Maggie needs a nap … in the most disrespectful way possible. She'll eventually explain to Maggie. Probably.


	11. Did It Hurt When You Fell?

Ruby woke up tucked into their own bed; an unremarkable sort of thing under most circumstances, except that it didn't seem to be morning and they weren't really sure how they’d come to be there. The curtains were drawn and the only light came from a lamp whose wick was trimmed so low that Ruby thought it might gutter out at any second. They had a splitting headache and the room swam before their eyes, but they knew they would never have drunk themselves to unconsciousness. They’d only been that stupid once, when they’d been a child and found a bottle of plum brandy. Actually, everything was hurting and waking up was seeming like less of a good idea with every passing second. Better by far to sink back into the painless darkness of sleep and deal with the world later. 

But when their eyelids drooped down again, the memory of a sound came into focus in place of their sight. Someone had been screaming before. Ruby was sure of it. The sound had cut through their head, through the confusion, with the ruthless efficacy of a knife. They’d tried to answer, but the pain had begun ripping through the thin cocoon of shocked numbness. They'd clenched their eyelids shut and tried to block everything out, much like they were doing right now. 

Except details were leaking in through the cracks in the pain. Sapphire had been crying and yelling. That, just by itself, had been terrifying, because if Sapphire was acting that hysterical… Sapphire was never hysterical. They'd tried to force themselves to sit up at some point, but their body had felt too heavy to move. Trying to lift their hand and breathe at the same time had been too much effort and the movement had set off a wave of pain that had raced up their arm and hit the base of their skull like an explosion.

More voices had joined Sapphire's, too loud and only adding to the chaos. Ruby's mind had grasped for understanding, for something solid to hold on to, but it couldn't catch hold of a thought any more than their hands had been able to catch the edge of the roof. The barn roof? Yes, it had lost a few shingles in a storm and they'd spent the morning repairing it. Memory threw them shards of images: a brief glimpse of clear, blue sky and the deceptively beautiful glitter of ice. 

The last pieces of memory settled into place reluctantly, as if they didn't want to be part of them. They had been crying, gasping for air and almost suffocating on the agony instead. Arms that had been much too big and muscular to be either Maggie or Sapphire had wrapped around them, forcing them to sit up and pulling at them. They realized, dimly, that they must have been thrashing and was being restrained. Then someone had taken their shoulder and there had been pain so excruciating that they'd bitten their tongue and started screaming again. The taste of blood and their own tears had been thick in their mouth, in their throat, and...

Ruby decided they really didn't want to keep thinking. And their body decided it really didn't want to keep sleeping. While they were trying to find a compromise, Ruby felt the mattress shift and realized they weren't alone. Sapphire had been laying beside them and, now that she noticed they were awake, she was sitting up and bending over them. Her body blocked what little light the lamp could offer, making her expression a puzzle they couldn't solve, but the hand that clumsily caressed their cheek was shaking. It lingered just long enough for Ruby to feel the warmth of her skin and then she was gone. 

Light flared, not objectively bright but still painful. Ruby tried to cover their face. Mistake. Mistake! Pain spiked through their left arm and they gasped, only to find their ribs screamed so violently in protest that their own cry was strangled into a pathetic little wheeze. Suddenly Sapphire was over them again, pinning them down by the neck with an iron grip. Panic dug it’s fingers into their throat between the gaps in Sapphire’s.

“Be still!” 

She hissed the words from between clenched teeth, leaning so close that they could feel the heat of her breath on their cheeks. And because they trusted her, because this was the person who had survived hell beside them, who had saved their life at the risk of her own, and who had chosen to trust them when she didn’t believe in anyone or anything, Ruby listened to her. They also knew, though their didn’t dwell on it often, that Sapphire hid her fear behind the fury of a demon.

That didn’t mean the look in her eyes wasn’t truly intimidating at the moment. Her lips pursed and she tilted her head to the side in a purely predatorial movement as she studied them. She sniffed, as if concluding that what she saw was beneath contempt, and sat back on the bed. In the dim lighting, even through the pain, Ruby could see there were dark bags under Sapphire’s eyes and her normally immaculate hair hadn’t been combed. 

“I hope you had fun. Do you think you’re a real bird?”

There wasn’t much to say to that. Fortunately, Sapphire had no interest in listening and ever so kindly spared them from having to answer her. 

“You may be curious what you managed to do to yourself? As part of your failed attempt to fly, you pulled your shoulder out of joint. Your ribs are badly bruised and possibly fractured, but I didn’t feel anything that was outright broken. Am I leaving anything out? A concussion, maybe?” Sapphire had begun counting off their offenses on her fingers, the volume of her voice crescendoing and making their headache worse, until she was back to leaning in nose to nose. That close, they could hear the ragged panting that had been beneath the yelling and the hitch of breath within the snarl when she whispered, “I don't know. As both of us are well aware, I'm better at killing people than taking care of them!”

“I'm sorry for scaring you, Sapphire.” 

“I was not scared,” she snapped. Sapphire jerked away and folded her arms, but she wasn’t looking them in the eyes anymore. “You’ve been unconscious for two days! You can thank God for your life if you must, but it was landing in the snow that spared you and kept the swelling down. You can also thank that wretched neighbor of ours for getting your shoulder back into joint and for carrying you inside. Don’t think for a second that I’m not irritated with you for making me beholden to that ass. How he showed up like that is beyond me as well.”

Ruby didn’t feel it was a good time to point out that they often thought they'd seen the man watching from a distance. It was difficult to take in what she was saying, so they focused on the only thing that they did know. Slowly, stretching out the arm they hadn’t injured, they plucked at her elbow until Sapphire took their hand. Her skin felt icy cold and sweaty, but Ruby twined their fingers together and held tightly.

“I’m sorry, Sapphire. I didn’t mean to scare you.” 

They watched her throat work. No sound fell from her lips to break the silence and Sapphire still refused to look at them. Inch by inch, Ruby tugged her down beside them, not by strength, which they had none to speak of anymore, but because they refused to allow the distance to remain between them. Her head came to rest against the shoulder that didn’t feel like a railway spike had been driven through it. The weight still hurt, but they couldn’t care about that. They needed her to be there. Sapphire was too stubborn to admit she needed it too. Her hand fisted in their shirt, right above the beating of their heart, and stayed there. 

Or maybe that’s just what they wanted to believe.That Sapphire wanted their attention had been made painfully clear the moment she’d felt ignored, but that wasn’t the same thing as what they felt. Now that Ruby wasn't fit to run from it, doubt was catching up with them. Not doubt in the bond of trust between them or in the choice they’d made to help Sapphire start a new life, those beliefs had gradually taken root in the core of who they were, formed before they had ever started to think a lifetime spent with Sapphire was what they wanted. Maybe that’s why they remained silent, in the end. A lifetime as her friend would be better than the few seconds of relief that honesty would offer… and the very real risk of pushing her away frightened them too much. 

Another memory crept in behind their closed eyelids, faded by time instead of fractured by pain. Instead of the floral wallpaper and elaborate decor, Ruby saw the whitewashed walls of their old bedroom and the quilts they’d hung up to add color. They could almost smell the peppermint drops that Pa had always seemed to have in his pocket. They’d been crying, because the other children had dared them to try riding a half-wild mustang. They’d gotten further than any of the rest, whispering softly to the shivering animal and stroking its neck until they thought everything was worked out. Pride went before the fall. The broken leg had hurt, but it didn’t haunt them like the guilt had. They’d gotten a wild thing to trust them and then broken that trust by asking for too much. Pa had sighed and kissed their forehead, saying he had nothing to scold them for that they didn’t already understand. His little tumbleweed really couldn’t do a thing the easy way if there was a hard way to be found.

Ruby cautiously laid their hand on top of Sapphire’s and silently agreed with their Pa. They really couldn’t seem to chose the simple paths in life, but then those roads never lead where they wanted to go. A laugh tickled their chest and became a hacking cough, jarring everything that had finally settled into an endurable ache. Still, they couldn’t help but continue to chuckle between gasps for air, not at all helped by Sapphire’s mutterings. They were mostly in French, but she was considerate enough to tell them in English that she was convinced hitting their head had addled what few wits they’d had to begin with. 

After getting them some desperately needed water from the pitcher on the washstand, grumbling even louder and using what they assumed was even more creative language, Sapphire asked them to explain what was so humorous. She held her patience admirably while they drank the whole glass, accepting that their throat was just about as barren and dry as the place they first met, but the way she set the glass down hard enough the rattle the table suggested she wasn’t going to be distracted by asking for more water. 

“Falling hurts,” they said softly, not meeting her eyes. The explanation was simple and honest. Falling, in all its forms, was a genuinely painful thing. Ruby tried to force a lighthearted grin, but it wobbled and fell away. Sapphire said nothing for such a prolonged time that they felt forced to look up and see what she was doing. The young woman was sitting perfectly motionless, posing almost, with her hands folded in her lap and head tilted slightly to the side. For a heartbeat, they saw a trace of suspicion in the narrowing of her eyes. It passed like a dark cloud through the blue of her eyes, but the storm never came. Instead, her posture relaxed and there was a faint sniff of well-bred contempt and amusement. 

“What a revelation. It took falling off a roof to teach you that?” 

Their eyes had adjusted to the faint lamplight enough to see the thin, lopsided smile that touched her lips; a familiar expression that Ruby wanted to believe was Sapphire feeling affection for them in spite of herself. When she stood and the mattress shifted, it felt more like the world had tilted off level instead of the truth – that the weight of her beside them influenced how everything felt. No one, other than their adoptive father, had changed their world so much as Sapphire.

“If you have nothing more sensible to say than that, then I must be the practical one. Not that I feel that’s much different than any other day.” 

Sharp words, but they’d learned to read beneath and between what Sapphire said and did. She was protecting herself, constantly and fiercely, but she’d let them change her world too. That had to mean something. Further dwelling was interrupted by Sapphire’s hand being thrust in front of their face. She snapped her fingers several times – a star who’d left the stage but still expected the spotlight. 

“Do you think you’re well enough to bathe? Your fragrance leaves something to be desired.” 

Charming as always. Ruby burst into strained laughter, tears coming to their eyes as mirth and agony collided. Each stuttering breath rattled through their body until it felt like a railway spike fit to match the one in their shoulder was being hammered into place in their skull too. They heard Sapphire’s exasperated sigh clearly, but they couldn’t help it. Sapphire had sweet-talked many a man with insincere intent, but she couldn’t be bothered to turn her charms on them. And that was good, because they loved the real woman beneath the mask - prickles and all. It was frightening, to realize they were so strongly attached to another person and to this one in particular. Those who had fallen for Sapphire before them had fallen hard… right into their own graves. It was difficult to reconcile that knowledge, but if Sapphire was going to leave her past behind then Ruby would have to let her do it as well or there would be no point in their journey. 

Ruby plucked at the front of their shirt, fully intending to unbutton it and stop trying the patience of someone who had very little of that virtue at the best of times, but two things quickly became obvious. The first was that their shoulder wouldn’t bend enough to undress and wash, even if they could sit up without fainting, which they doubted based on how the world lurched sickeningly just from sitting up a few inches. The second was that the shirt they were wearing wasn’t the same one they’d fallen off the roof in. 

Dread flooded their mouth and Ruby almost gagged on the bitter aftertaste of the question they needed to ask. Somehow, they had grown used to concealing their sex and passing as male without even realizing that they were hiding. It had been comfortable - easy even. They could relax knowing that no one would be forcing them into a situation where they had to defend their life and choices. They looked pleadingly up at the woman whose face had once again settled into an impassive mask.

“Sapphire, who… what I mean is...did anyone…”

“Don’t worry, darling. I told Maggie that if anyone was going to undress my husband and play nursemaid, it was me.” There was a sarcastic edge to the words and an almost mocking smile on her lips, but Ruby believed they saw kindness in the cool blue of her eyes. She sauntered back to the bed and sat down beside them, her weight once again tilting their world in her direction. “I hope you’re grateful. Baggy clothes and a tight undershirt have worked up until now, but if she saw you stark naked then I thought she would ask questions that you might not be ready to answer. That's not my story to tell.”

The smirk was gone now. Sapphire, of anyone they’d met, understood what it felt like to have secrets that she didn’t want discovered against her will. And maybe that shared understanding was yet another reason why they trusted her above most other people, when logic might suggest they trust her the least. There was something grave in her expression now and again they were struck by the depth of exhaustion they could see etched into the sharp lines of her face.

“It was just me. I told that fool of a neighbor that we didn’t need or want a doctor, but he went to town to fetch one anyway. The doctor wouldn’t come. He had a very respectable excuse. I didn’t believe it then. I don’t believe it now.”

To the point and factual because anything else would be confessing that she’d been wounded by the refusal of a doctor she hadn’t even wanted. Ruby closed their eyes, feeling the deeper, older ache of always being unwanted for one reason or another. Only one person had ever accepted all of who they were without reservations and Ruby stretched out their hand to who they hoped was the second. Sapphire’s fingers, still cold and newly calloused from farm work, closed firmly around theirs. 

When Ruby grinned this time, it felt right. It belonged there and they belonged here. Together. They lay back against the pillows, making a show of getting comfortable even though every unnecessary movement hurt. They ignored the impatient tapping of her boot until they judged, by the quickening tempo of the beats, that her temper was beginning to fray. Putting on an innocent expression, they looked up into her eyes.

“Sapphire, as a nurse, you're perfect. I need you to know that.”

She blinked. The inner workings of her mind, as precise and intricate as the mechanism that made their pocket watch run, seemed to demand physical stillness to work, but they could imagine the gears turning between the smooth facade of her expression. 

“Am I?”

“Yes. I'd do anything to heal, get out of bed, and escape being your captive audience.”

Sapphire snatched her hand away. The storm clouds were gathering again, but they could live with that. Being together with Sapphire had been an unending series of storms, but over time those storms had becomes small and infrequent. As they had believed and had seen on the prairie, the sun was never more beautiful than when the clouds parted and the blue, blue sky was above them. Even if they only saw a glimpse of it as they fell. 

“See that you do!” Sapphire snapped, glaring down at them.

They grinned, closing their eyes and sighing as they relaxed against the pillows. It felt oddly safe here, bundled in soft quilts and watched over by Sapphire. Exhaustion was wrapping around them now too, dulling the edge of the pain and weighing them down into sleep. Drowsy and feeling like it was too much effort to raise their heavy eyelids, Ruby murmured, “Try not to kill me before can I recover.”

“I'll make an effort.”

“To kill me? Or to not kill me?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” she replied. Sapphire’s voice sounded very close. “But your willingness to clean up may tip the scales in favor of you dying at a ripe old age.” 

Beneath the surface of what others could see were the truths they both knew: Truths about a woman who was more than a murderer and a person who was more than the body they’d been born in. Truths about relationships that maybe didn’t need to be defined at the moment beyond the slowly growing bond of trust and affection. Truths about falling and getting back up again. 

“If you help me, Sapphire, then I can do it.”

“Of course.”


	12. Those Important Little Words

When Maggie first asked Ruby if they had experience in a language other than English, they hesitated. People often looked at the color of their skin and assumed they must speak this or that language. It had been a point of discomfort for them for a long time, a confusing mixture of resentment at the presumption of strangers and a vague guilt that maybe they should have felt more of a desire to connect with their ancestry. Sometimes it felt as if everyone had an opinion of who and what they ought to be. Or what they should not be. 

There were other memories too. Ones Ruby never talked about because it wasn’t their story to share, even though the pain they felt was their own. They would never forget their first friend, the one who hadn’t cared they were different from the other children and had stolen “boy” clothes for them. Words had flowed from his lips like a fountain, not always in English but always full of the life. Words that made the Mother Superior turn almost purple with outrage. It was for his own good to never speak another language, they said. Fitting in was important. Being respectful and respectable was important.

Their friend had looked so brave when they cracked the ruler across his knuckles. At the evening meal, he was forced to stand in front of the room with a bar of soap in his mouth while the rest ate. When the Sister’s back was turned, he even wiggled his eyebrows at them like it was all a funny game. By the time the meal was over, his color was more green than the healthy olive tones of before. 

They’d hidden together in the laundry and Ruby wished all they remembered was the brave and funny boy they’d loved, but they couldn’t forget the truth. The retching and gagging as foam and vomit bubbled up where the words had once been. Nothing had been funny anymore. It wasn’t the first time. It wasn’t the last. They’d cried too, asking why he wouldn’t stop speaking in Italian when he could easily speak English. Tears and sweat and snot had made a mess of everything that wasn’t already smeared in soap suds, but their friend’s face had been serious when he’d told them it was a part of him. They must never, never let anyone take away who they were.

That was too much to explain to Maggie, but it was why they had agreed to learn French. As disinterested as Ruby was in learning about their roots, which had been cut at their birth and seemed to exist only for others to make judgements about who they must be, it seemed that Sapphire felt connected to that language when she felt connected to very little else. If it was part of her, important to her in some way, then Ruby wanted to understand and help her reclaim it. After the lessons began, Ruby realized it was an important part of Maggie too.

“ _Alouette, gentille alouette. Alouette je te plumerai._ ” 

Ruby sang back the refrain, trying to match Maggie’s pronunciation and ignoring Sapphire’s comments about appalling accents. She refused to sing along, Ruby had caught her humming softly under her breath and that alone made it worth it. Sapphire had made her rejection of music clear, but it was a part of her past too. Ruby had never seen themselves as overly ambitious in the past, but that had changed. They wanted to help Sapphire fit together the pieces of who she was and they wanted to give Maggie back the part of the life she’d lost to time. 

“ _Je te plumerai le bec! Et la tête!_ ” 

Maggie’s fingers tweaked the end of their nose and ruffled through their curls. It was a child’s song, but Ruby knew you had to start at the beginning to learn new things. Even if that wasn’t the truth, Ruby would have done it anyway just to see the way the older woman’s face lit up as she sang the songs she’d shared with her husband and raised her children to know. Her “alouette” and her “petits poussins.” Ruby wondered if the gentle look in her eyes was meant for them or for the memories that they had breathed new life into. In the end, they concluded it didn't matter. The happiness was real. 

“ _Et les ailes!_ ”

Her hand smoothed gently down the arm that she’d used cotton bandages to make a sling for. For the first few days after their failed “flight” from the barn roof, Ruby had been confined to bed. The pain in their head and shoulder had encouraged them to try and sleep through the worst of it, but boredom had eventually overcome the pain. Unsteady on their feet and unable to raise their arm without risking further injury, the chores they could do were limited almost entirely to sitting around. They’d caught Sapphire in a stare down with Fricot, conversationally discussing her intention of wringing his neck one day and serving him with dumplings. Fricot, feathers puffed out and spurs flaunted, screeched back doom and destruction upon The Enemy. Ruby had decided it was better for all involved of they continued to take care of the chickens. 

Yet despite how long it took to gather eggs by putting the basket on the ground and only using one hand, it still left them with too many empty hours. Ruby was not well suited to idleness, so when Maggie brought up their past discussions about learning French, they were desperate enough to agree without hesitation. Dismay caught up around five minutes into lesson numéro un when she pulled out an old primer and a writing slate. Classrooms had never been a place where they felt comfortable and they’d sometimes felt ashamed that their Pa had decided to teach them at home, despite the relief it had been.

“ _Et les yeux!_ ” 

Waving away Maggie’s hand, they tapped the corner of their eye and smiled up at her. If people were born for a purpose, and Ruby believed they were, then Maggie was meant to be a teacher. She’d seen the fear and closed the book, kneeling down in front of them to take their hands and ask what was wrong. After explaining, fearing all the while that a school teacher would take poorly to the idea that a classroom and books might not be the only way, Maggie had just nodded like what they said made perfect sense. People didn’t always learn things the same way, she’d explained. Instead of books, they learned songs and rhymes. They went around the house, picking up common objects and discussing them in simple sentences; real things that they could touch and see and make use of. Maggie called it “practical application.”

The most effective lesson had been only giving them the food they could recall the words for. They’d eaten a lot of soup before figuring out how to place an order at La Maison de Maggie. Sapphire had laughed until she cried at their joking protests and increasingly absurd tries at finding the right words, pressing her face into her napkin and smothering the sound into a snorting giggle. She never ate anything they didn’t get the chance to have. With a quiet shake of her head, Sapphire even turned down peach preserves when Maggie offered it and Ruby knew that was her favorite. When the lamp had been blown out for the night and Sapphire lay beside them in the warm darkness, wrapped in quilts smelling of lavender soap and cedarwood, she whispered the words they needed to know for breakfast. They asked her what the word for peach was and felt the curve of her smile against their shoulder.

“ _Et la queue!_ ” 

Feeling a need to remind Sapphire to smile again, Ruby reached for the back of her dress as she walked past the kitchen table. Their hand was swatted away and Sapphire turned up her nose, announcing that she was already late to milk the cows and she wanted to be done before Maggie finished making breakfast. At the door she turned just enough to give them a narrow glare. Fisting one hand on top of the other, she mimicked twisting something between them. The raised eyebrow was a challenge and her tone was threatening, but Ruby saw the teasing hidden in the upturned corner of her lips when she said, “ _Je te plumerai le cou._ ”

As it turned out, Sapphire wasn’t back inside before the cooking was finished. The scent of frying ham and eggs was enough to make them faint with delight, but Maggie’s face was ashen when she brought them a plate. The tin clattered as she dropped it and Ruby was on their feet before they thought through how to catch someone with one arm. Maggie’s weight fell against them heavily and they braced themselves against it, but the older woman was standing again in the next moment. She stroked their cheek and whispered something so faint they could barely hear it, but Maggie would only smile and shake her head when they asked her what it was.

No less stubborn or prideful than Sapphire, Maggie insisted that she was only going to lay down a few minutes. She didn’t want help getting to her room and made it clear she’d be insulted if they let their breakfast get cold. Ruby’s appetite had abandoned them the moment they saw the grey tinge to her lips. After she left the room, they picked at the food they’d earned and finally pushed it aside. In the absence of singing and laughter, the silence was too loud. 

Growing desperate for company and wondering what was taking Sapphire so long, Ruby went to the window to look for her. They were confused to see that four strange boys were clustered around the partially open barn door. Maggie hadn’t mentioned company was coming and they hadn’t heard anyone knock at the door, but Ruby watched them curiously for a few moments. Until one reached down and palmed a rock. Their stomach heaved so sharply that they bent almost in half, grateful now that they’d eaten nothing. Clutching the window frame with their good hand for stability, they forced themselves to take deep, even breaths until they were standing upright again. 

Sweat made the their shirt stick uncomfortably and it hurt to roll their shoulders to loosen the binding cotton fabric. It hurt even more when they took off the sling and wiped their palms against their pants. There was an object over the kitchen door that they’d ignored since the day they’d arrived, believing that this was a safe and peaceful place. Fool. Ruby didn’t like the feel of a cold metal barrel in their hands, they never had, but that didn’t stop them from lifting the shotgun down from it’s pegs. Just for a moment, they closed their eyes against the pain stabbing pain of raising their arms over their head, but their attention shifted. The place where they’d lost a molar was still tender sometimes and Ruby found themselves exploring the gap between the teeth with their tongue. 

Carefully, methodically, they checked the mechanism and the chambers, before walking outside. Ruby could be far more quiet than others assumed. It always felt unnatural to mind their steps and limit their movements, but the safety of being unnoticed had once been their daily goal. If no one saw you, they couldn't criticize or punish you for not being what they wanted you to be. A skill, especially one taught by fear, is never forgotten. The boys were entirely distracted by their game, but the breeze carried whispered bits of their conversation downwind. 

“She isn’t naked. You said Savages didn’t wear clothes! My mother dresses … want to go home. Let’s go, we’re going to get … shut up, we aren’t going anywhere until we see something good and … you can dress up an animal, but that doesn’t mean it’s a person… don’t have souls like real people … wait... heard they bark like dogs… rock will make her yelp, I bet… Don’t! She might get mad and skin us! Or eat us! Did you hear about how they catch …”

Ruby tuned it out, sickened and heartbroken and so full of fear they could have cried. Fear of such blind, twisted beliefs and fear that Sapphire could hear them. Hear them and hurt more than she already did and then hurt them, because she wasn’t an animal. She was human, filled with raw feelings that words could injure, and a human could only endure so much before they broke. In Sapphire’s case, that had the potential to be very dangerous. 

There was nothing fair about it, but Ruby knew that violent retaliation by Sapphire would not be seen as one woman defending herself against a gang of boys determined to torment her until she became the cornered animal they called her. It would be a bunch of innocent children against a “savage.” If she harmed or killed one, nothing Ruby could do would keep her neck out of a noose this time. And when the townspeople were done, they would nod to themselves and say they had known all along that it was a mistake to allow Maggie to take in dangerous strays. 

They loosened a white-knuckled grip on the shotgun, flexing the feeling back into their fingers. Holding the stock low against their hip and pointing the barrel towards the sky, Ruby took a warning stance. It looked intimidating, but in truth the position spared them from trying to lift their aching arm any higher. All they had wanted was to be left in peace, but that was apparently too much to ask of this town and these boys. The hand holding the stock was beginning to feel numb, but they gritted their teeth and growled, “The show is over! Go home, all of you! Now!” 

Four heads whipped around so fast that they were surprised there wasn’t a loud crack. Like frightened rabbits, they froze in place… and then ran for cover in the next heartbeat. Or most of them did. The youngest, a scrawny thing made of bird bones, sat in the mud and gaped up at them. The child’s upturned face, framed by a tumble of dark hair, seemed to be all wide brown eyes and skin so pale with terror that his freckles stood out like gunpowder in snow. 

Ruby faltered, almost dropping the shotgun as they reached out with their good hand. The child flinched back; sharp gasping breaths making his teeth rattle together. They watched the trembling lower lip and tried not to cry too. A child was convinced that they, Ruby, was about to kill him. Sometimes it felt like there was nothing right in the world and never would be. The weight of that pressed down on their shoulders and for a heartbeat they thought longingly of how much easier it would be to give up hope. 

They could see Sapphire through the open door. She wasn’t facing them, but her posture was rigid as she stood between Garnet and Sass. Garnet turned her head briefly in their direction, but only stomped a forehoof before going back to nuzzling at Sapphire’s shoulder. The mare’s snorting breaths were the only sound, because Sass was being unusually silent. She never looked away from the door and the equally quiet woman was petting her neck as she had once upon a time patted the fabric above her hidden knife. Sapphire had tried giving up, abandoning all hopes and beliefs, but it hadn’t brought her peace of mind in the end. 

Taking a deep breath, Ruby stood up straighter and looked in the direction the other boys had run in. A trail of muddy boot prints in what had once been a thin veneer of clean snow were all that was left behind. That and the child cowering at their feet. 

“It looks like your friends ran off without you,” they said, keeping their tone mild. Ruby carefully stepped around the small boy and propped the shotgun against the barn wall. Folding their arms looked stern, but the stabbing pain in their shoulder was steadily growing and holding their elbow was taking some of the strain off. Without hearing the child’s voice, they couldn’t be certain, but they’d come too far by following their intuition to start doubting it now. “That wasn’t very nice of them.”

“They’re not my friends!”

Ruby’s eyebrows rose at the force of the exclamation. Here was the timid voice they’d heard among the uglier whispers, through the speaker didn’t look so shy anymore. Furious splotches of red brought color back to the boy’s cheeks, but the outburst seemed to startle him back into silence. It was a start, though, and Ruby didn’t intend to let the conversation end there. The best lessons begin with the right questions being asked. 

“Really? Why were you with them if you’re not friends?”

There was no answer to that, but Ruby hadn’t expected one. Hoping that Maggie would understand that they’d ruined their pants for a good cause, they kneeled down in the mud until they were at the boy’s eye level. So many memories of people looming over them filled Ruby’s childhood, figures with infinite power over their small world and no mercy or understanding in their hearts. They would not be the same. 

“I used to be a deputy sheriff.” They smiled at the way the boy perked up in curiosity and nodded to the unspoken question. It was the truth; they’d once been a deputy to a corrupt sheriff. Now that they had his interest as well as his attention, Ruby tried to add a more complicated concept. “Did you know that being found in the company of criminals can sometimes means the law judges you to be as guilty as they are? It’s called guilt by association. If you actually helped them, even in a small way, it’s aiding and abetting. I bet you’ve gotten in trouble, just because people saw you with them. It didn’t feel fair did it?”

“Yes! Yes, all the time! ” The boy’s hands slapped down on the dirt between them and he lurched forward towards them. Eager desperation filled the child’s eyes and the Ruby stifled the urge to run their hand through his hair. They knew very well how it felt to find someone who understands what you’ve been trying to say for too long. “I never even do anything wrong, but I get punished for everything they do! It’s not fair at all!”

Slowly, Ruby stretched out their hand again and picked up what had fallen next to the boy’s scuffed boot. The rock was very heavy in their palm and, when they held it up, the weight seemed to settle on the boy’s narrow shoulders until he slumped beneath the burden. They gave him a few seconds to think about what he’d been part of, before quietly asking a new set of questions. 

“Maybe knowing someone is doing something wrong and doing nothing about it is a bad thing too? You didn’t look like you were having fun and you say they aren’t your friends, so why were you with them?”

There was no resistance when Ruby took the boy’s hand and wrapped his fingers around the rock instead. The child stared at it in mute horror, holding it away from his body as if they’d handed him a dead thing. If it had been thrown with strength and accuracy, it could very well have become death in someone’s hands. 

“Maybe they said they’d call you a coward or maybe you’re afraid of being left out and alone. It would be frightening to stand up to so many other people, especially ones who are bigger and stronger than you are. If you didn’t go along, maybe they’d even hurt you first and then do what they wanted anyway. You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to; I know what it’s like to be bullied.” 

He was looking up again. Tears were dripping down the freckled cheeks, but the boy was nodding frantically. It wasn’t always possible to find the words you needed, but there could be comfort in hearing them spoken by someone else. There could be relief in being able to cry. But there was only so much that tears or remorse or empathy could do. Once you found the right words then you had to put them together in a way that meant something and that lead to the next logical point of understanding. 

“If you could chose, who would you spend time with?”

“Hope and Grace, ” he mumbled back. The red was back in the boy’s cheeks and it spread until it reached the tips of his ears. Shifting positions jarred their shoulder again, but Ruby breathed through the dizzying rush of freezing heat. It hit them like a bucket of water and dripped down their skin until every part of them shivered with it. Still, they smiled encouragement. Bracing their elbow on one knee, Ruby was able to rest their chin on their hand. The boy was leaning towards them, a smile hesitantly spreading across his face. 

“They’re twins. They’re… nice. Really nice! They make up all these pretend games and they have a shelf full of story books about far away places and all kinds adventures! I guess we’ll probably never see places like that or have any big adventures, but isn’t it fun to think about things like that; think about being anyone or anything you want to be? They even made me a doll with overalls and freckles just like mine!”

Words poured out of the boy like a great dam had broken open and Ruby let the innocent enthusiasm wash over them. The longer the child spoke, the more a healthy blush replaced the terrified pallor. Stiff jerks of his head and hands became grandiose sweeps of his arms until his entire body was put to use in pantomiming their grand adventures. He told of making circus tents in the attic and playing castaway sailors by the mill pond. There were playhouses made from the scraps behind the woodshed and fallow fields that became trackless wildernesses. By the time he got to the day they dressed up the family dog as a tiger, the boy was reaching for their hand and rising up on his knees.

The rock fell out of the boy’s lap and landed with a dull thud between them. 

“I… I liked playing with them.” The words stuttered to a halt and silence crept in to fill the up the cracks of their broken happiness. The boy picked up the rock again, holding it it both hands and hiding it against his chest. Slowly, he began speaking again, but his head hung low over the damning evidence of what he’d done and who he’d been with. “The other boys said only dumb girls like dolls and baby games like pretend. And… and I joined in because I didn’t want them to laugh at me too. The girls probably don’t want to play with me ever again and … and anyway if I did then…”

“Then they might call you names too,” Ruby said, gently finishing the statement. They’d never had the luxury of being able to hide in the crowd as a child, but what if they had? Ruby watched the boy turning the stone over in his fingers, feeling the rough edges and squeezing it until the skin over his knuckles was tight and pale. “I wonder… is that really worse than spending all your time with people who make you unhappy and who will get you in trouble? People who want to hurt you will always find an excuse, no matter what you do, so changing to please them is never going to work.”

The barn door swung open, both of them jumping at a screeching of hinges loud enough to be a gunshot. Ruby pressed their hand over their racing heart, promising themselves to oil it before the sun set, and looked up into ice blue eyes. The mask was back in place on Sapphire’s face, disdain etched deeply into the razor edges of her features as she stared down her nose at them. Without saying a word, her critical gaze lingered on the sweat collecting above their upper lip and the lines of pain around their mouth. It flicked downward to take in how they cradled their bad arm, fist curled beneath their chin in a way that looked casual to less sharp eyes. 

“M-Miss? I’m awful s-sorry we bothered you like this and we… I… I just… I’m sorry and it was wrong to… to…”

Sapphire didn’t even turn her head. Nothing disturbed the perfect stillness of the woman except for the smallest movement of her eyes. Her gaze rested on the child for only for a second - a greater being to whom an insect had dared address itself to. When her parents had chosen to name her Sapphire, Ruby wondered what sort of angel they had dreamed she would one day become. They somehow doubted it was the sort mortals threw themselves face down before in terror and whose first words always had to be “Fear not!”

And, for Sapphire, those words would have been a lie. The child recoiled from her; the same instinct that warned helpless animals to make themselves small and unnoticeable in the presence of danger lived at the core of young, human things. Adults were the ones that talked themselves out of natural fears and into baseless suspicions and hatred. Sapphire was dangerous, but it had nothing to do with her heritage. Ruby didn’t think the boy even drew another breath until she looked away and, without granting either of them further time or attention, walked away. Ruby knew they hadn’t breathed.

The kitchen door slamming jolted them back into movement and they turned together to look at the house. Ruby hoped Sapphire would look for Maggie when the motherly woman wasn’t there to greet her. There were too many people who needed help that were pulling them in too many different directions and twisting around like that sent a fresh wave of pain crashing over them. Ruby gritted their teeth again the hurt and the overwhelming sense that nothing they could do would ever be enough, closing their eyes tightly and trying to block it all out enough to think. 

A small hand touched their elbow. Slowly, Ruby unbent their stiff body and looked back at the child. He’d moved very close now, not flinching from touching them or coming within reach. It was possible that Sapphire had frightened him so much that Ruby had become the lesser of two evils, but they hoped it was for a different reason. They hoped because a different boy had once told them to never let anyone take away part of who they were and holding onto hope was the central piece of them.

“She’s very angry, isn’t she?” He asked it quietly but very clearly. “I guess it was a fool thing to do, apologizing like that. She probably didn’t want to hear another word, one way or another.”

“An apology is a good place to start and it wasn’t wrong to try,” they answered, trying not to wince at the next tug on their arm. One at a time. Sapphire would speak only when she was ready and Maggie wasn’t alone now if she did need help, so finishing the lesson they began came first. Ruby gently untangled the boy’s fingers and held them instead. “Sapphire is angry and she has every right to feel that way. I heard some terrible things being said out here. I’m not exactly feeling happy myself, to be perfectly honest. Just because you’re sorry doesn’t always mean the other person will accept it. They don’t have to and that’s their choice.”

“But isn’t the point of apologizing to fix things? You say that you’re sorry and it makes things better?”

“If you look at it like that, then an apology is something you’re doing for yourself instead of the person you hurt.” Ruby shook their head, mentally searching for the words that held the right meaning. “That’s...selfish. An apology is acknowledging that you did something wrong, that you regret it, and that you’re going work on changing how you behave. If you’re not doing it for the other person, it’s selfish.”

The boy looked just about like Ruby had felt when Maggie had held up the primer, apprehension and confusion written on the lines of his frown and the downward curve of knitted eyebrows. They stumbled to their feet, pulling the child up with them before digging through their vest pockets. Maggie had been teaching them to count with pennies, something real that they could hold and understand the use of. Ruby fished out two of the copper coins and held them out. 

“Maybe...maybe a different explanation? I’ll never know what you chose to do, but you will. Take this and go get candy for those two girls whose feelings you hurt. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say anything mean, because you still stood there watching and did nothing to help them. When you give them the candy and apologize, they may or may not share it with you. They may or may not agree to play with you again. If you’re doing it because you regret what you did and want to do something nice for them, then it doesn’t matter if you get anything back in return. If you’re doing it for yourself, because you want to be given something for your apology, then you might as well keep the pennies for yourself and let that be your gain.”

Ruby pressed the money into the child’s free hand and covered the thin fingers with their own broader palms. The boy was biting on his lower lip. Memories of their Pa remarking that food for thought always required some chewing brought a smile to their face as they waited to see what the result of their lesson would be. 

“Do you think they’ll forgive me?”

The soft, hopeful words turned their smile into a broad grin. Ruby let go and gave the boy’s shoulder a playful push. Retaliation was immediate and they took the slap to their elbow with a flinch that their laughed completely covered. 

“There’s only one way to find out!”

Bony little arms wrapped tightly around their ribs and Ruby was stroking a head of untidy brown hair before they even realized they were being hugged. Cupping a hand around the back of the boy’s head, they tried to settle him more firmly against their body, but they paused at the sound of his muffled voice. They both took a step backward. The boy was looking at his hands; in one was the pennies they’d given him, but the other was clenched around the rock. 

“The other boys… they’re going to be back.”

“I know,” they answered. As much as Ruby wanted to believe they’d scared off the trouble makers, they knew it wouldn’t be that easy. “That doesn’t interest me right now. What I want to know is if you will be with them when they do.”

“No.”

The pennies disappeared into the boy’s pocket and he pitched the rock right over the pasture fence. It was ridiculous, but Ruby couldn’t help but admire the arc of the throw. It might be fun one day to play baseball with him, if they could find someone willing to lend them a bat and a ball. They sobered when they remembered it might be hard to find enough children willing to play with them. 

“I’m need to apologize to you too.” The cringing child they’d first met was standing taller now, with his chin up and his shoulders squared. A small frown tugged the corners of his lips into a more solemn expression. “It’s not just your wife they’re talking bad about. Some people are saying you’re one of those cattlemen from across the border and that makes you not much different than a bandit. They say people like that steal anything that isn’t nailed down and that they carry off women and children. They said it and I didn’t know any better, but I still thought it.”

“Is that still what you think of me?”

“I think that people talk too much when they know nothing at all! I think you’re one of the nicest people I ever met and I want to come back to visit you again, if I can have your permission. If they forgive me, I’ll bring the girls too! I know they’ll like you!”

They appreciated the stomp of the boy’s boot and the stubborn tilt of his chin as he crossed his arms more than they could ever say. It had been too long since there’d been any children in their life and Ruby was already planning out what they could make with Maggie to surprise the boy and his friends. Maybe even ice cream? Did Sapphire like ice cream? A cough interrupted their internal debate over what kind of pie or cake would go best with a special dessert. 

“That is… if you don’t think your wife will be upset to see me again. Seems to me she’s been upset enough already and I don’t want to make it worse.” 

“I’ll work it out with her, but thank you for thinking about how she might feel. The lady’s name is Sarah and I’m Robbie. I’d be more than happy to see you come back as a guest next time!”

“Charlie Tate!” He grabbed their hand and shook it with enthusiasm that was both heartwarming and blindingly painful under the circumstances. “Thank you for talking to me and saying I can visit again, Robbie!”

Ruby walked as far as the front yard with Charlie, but the rush of energy that had driven them beyond their limits had run out. They sat down heavily on the porch steps and sagged against the rail. Their hand was already in the air to wave goodbye when the boy paused and turned back. 

“Jessie… it was his idea to come today. His dad is the one who does most of talking in town. I don’t think any of them other folks would even be thinking about you if he didn’t keep reminding them. No one really listens to him most days, because they know he drinks too much and … and Jessie says he falls down sometimes, but I say the ground must have a really mean right hook if that’s true. When he says ugly things about you and Miss Sarah, people tell him to move on and stop disturbing the peace. I don’t understand it, but after he’s gone away they get a look on their face like they’re thinking about things that make them scared or angry.”

They closed their eyes, but it couldn’t shut out the pain in their heart or their body. It shouldn't surprise them. It didn’t really. Even if the mouth they came from belonged to the most disreputable sort of human being, words sank in and took root. Words could convince a child they were worthless because of their lack of family and wicked for wanting to dress or act in a way that hurt no one but didn’t meet their idea of normal. Words could label a student who tried as hard as they could into a failure when all they needed was someone to help them. Words could degrade a human being to something less than an animal. And words of fear and distrust could spread like a plague until everyone in a town might catch it.

That the son of the man spreading the sickness was the one most infected didn’t surprise them either. He probably believed the words or, even if he didn’t, a child who had been brutally raised might hope to win approval by being equally brutal to those his parent was targeting. Family bonding defined in the most corrupt terms. Ruby could still hear Charlie shuffling from one foot to the other, so they made an effort to smile and thank him for the information. 

After that, they had nothing left to give, even to themselves. It was cold outside, but the chill was almost a relief as it settled into their sweat soaked clothes. It soothed the burning ache in their muscles… right up to the point when they started to get stiff instead. Hugging their injured arm close, Ruby weighed the odds of getting back inside to warm up against the chances of falling on their face the moment they tried to stand up. 

The back door slammed and Ruby knew, without opening their eyes, that a storm was coming their way. They could hear the thunder. The furious pounding of what could only be Sapphire’s boots stopped just short of where they sat. There was a metallic click that echoed loudly in the sudden silence.

“It’s unloaded.”

That was a statement, not a question, so Ruby didn’t answer it. It was never a good idea to pick up a loaded gun unless you meant to kill with it, so they’d made certain they weren’t holding one before going outside to confront the boys. Sapphire most likely wouldn’t understand that logic, but they had hoped she might understand that they were only trying to help. 

“People aren’t born prejudiced or hateful, Sapphire. They’re taught. I saw an opportunity to teach something better and I took it.”

The hiss of breath between clenched teeth was a warning they didn’t ignore. Ruby lifted their head from their knees and forced themselves to their feet. The mask had been discarded and Sapphire faced them with anger vibrating in every tensed line of her body. Her mouth twisted down and she spat out the words as though even the taste of them offended her. 

“What of it? Even if you changed how one child thinks, there’s a hundred more who you will never reach or and who you couldn’t convince no matter how hard you tried!”

“At least I reached one,” they snapped back. Ruby could only imagine how deeply the cruel words must have cut her, but they were starting to feel unjustly persecuted by Sapphire. They’d done nothing wrong, unless wanting to help people had become a crime. In fact, helping her had been a crime and that hadn’t stopped them from doing what they knew was right. “That wasn’t a mean spirited child I was speaking with, Sapphire, just one who got lost and needed a nudge to get back on track!”

“And the others?”

“I’m not a fool, Sapphire. I can’t save the world, but I can try to save whatever is right in front of my face!” They were trying to sound calm and reasonable, but the pitch of their voice was breaking and all their frustration was bleeding through the cracks. Ruby started to throw their arms wide, imploring and unable to contain themselves, but stopped with a gasp as the pain flared worse than before. Instead, they wrapped their arms around themselves and asked, “Should I spend my life grieving or feeling angry about what I can’t do or might it be better to find peace in doing what I can? Do you need the entire world to change for you to be happy or could it be enough for you to have just a few good people in it?”

Ruby backed up until their heels were pressing against the lowest porch step. Disdain and even cold calculation were expressions Sapphire had made them familiar with, but her livid face exposed a rare but passionate fury that was fascinated them as much as it frightened them. 

“What will it take to make you value–?!”

The yelling cut off abruptly. Ruby had almost fallen backwards onto the stairs in shock, unused to hearing her voice reach that kind of volume. For a moment they could only stare at one another. Sapphire’s chest rose and fell in ragged gasps, fists clenched at her sides. She took a final, shuddering breath and, just as quickly as her feelings had broken free of her control, her normal reserve fell back into place. Sapphire’s posture straightened and her chin came up, even as the rest of her body fell lax. Her face smoothed itself out until the only emotion visible was a certain tiredness; a sort of resignation that made them feel guilty even though they didn’t know what they might have done wrong. Quietly now, she said, “Common sense. What will it take to make you value common sense.” 

It was an impossible question, considering Ruby felt they had been exercising common sense all along. Instead, they asked a question that had been nagging at the back of their mind since they’d first seen the boys from the window. 

“I was surprised you didn’t say or do anything about them yourself. I know you could probably have frightened them out of their wits. You’re still wearing your knife.”

A different emotion was in Sapphire’s eyes now. They wanted to see the vulnerability beneath the protective mask so desperately that Ruby sometimes doubted if they saw anything but what they wanted to see in her. 

“ _Vous êtes ma raison d’être, mais je ne pas encore vous comprede peu importe je essaye. Vous donne a moi votre confiance et vous encore ne comprende quelle difficil c'été pour moi de honour cette confiance. C'est la vie._ "

Sapphire punctuated her statement with a dismissive wave of her fingers and a small laugh that had little to do with humor. Ruby understood her tone well enough, the notes of sincerity and a desperation no less than their own ringing out clearly, but their French lessons with Maggie had given them an exaggerated idea of their progress. Compared to the slow, drawn out words of a teacher, the fluid speech of a native speaker blurred the words together into something utterly incomprehensible. They thought she’d used the word for “difficult” and had maybe referred to a group of people, but they could only stammer out a confused, “I… what?”

The grim line of Sapphire’s mouth softened into what could optimistically be called a smile. She laid the empty shotgun against the porch railing and gently took their elbow. Ruby let her guide them up the stairs, still bewildered but willing to lean against her for support. Having her face so close to their own was the only reason they caught the sly, sideways glance she threw their way. 

“If you have to ask me questions like those, then I’m not the only one standing here who has things left to learn.”


End file.
